Wow...

I'm alot like you. My husband & I fell in love because we could talk so easy to each other. Now 25 yrs later, we barely talk. I think this is or can be common in a long marriage, but Im the same way with most everyone. I wonder why too. I know I've been abused emotionally and have always had a bad self esteem, but I learned how to fake it and how to small talk. Sometimes I try to figure out why I am this way because it seems like something is wrong w/ me. A normal person talks. I wonder if it's because I don't really care about anything or anyone any more. I've had alot of depression over the years. And yes, I do have alot of memory problems. I feel so dumb when everyone at work is talking & my mind is just a blank. My family says I am not dumb, but why don't I have anything to say? I know I should just accept it and believe like you said, that the world needs quiet people also. And I guess God knew it would take all kinds of people in this world, but I hate not having anything to say...I feel really simple & dumb.

( I was trying to keep this somewhat ordered but it's inevitable so eventually I gave up and just started putting text down and it might not even relate and the original post is old, but oh well.) In college I had to write a paper on things in my life that impacted the way I spoke and handled social situations which I've thought about my entire life, since I suckass at it and have been trying to improve. One of the biggest issues is avoidance. For me, when i was little I would hide behind my parents for dear life and unfortunately I was so persistent they would give in and speak for me. In our household the TV was more important than communication. Too much talking generally leads to the TV volume being cranked . Then as I got older all the friends I met were other shy people. When the entire class interacts but you and one other person you play a waiting game where eventually one of you finally feels comfortable to communicate. Anyway the problem with this is that you don't gather a big social group and this can leave group communication lacking. Then continuing on in life I became really closer to my older brother and some of his friends, but he was always in charge and did the talking. Still like that today, he is very protective of little brother even though I can't beat him at arm wrestling. I don't think the internet helps much, I got lost in WoW for a bit to avoid all of life and not just socializing. An important detail to note in my life is that I was always the smallest guy.. no.. person in school. I entered High School at 4ft 9 80 lbs and this was after a significant growth spurt just as an idea. And long story short you get picked on a lot which hurts and doesn't do wonders for confidence, but even worse people don't treat you like your age. At 16 people thought I was 12, which is great for getting in cheaper at events, but not so much for socializing. Whats odd is, I participated or showed up for a lot of social stuff. I played countless hours of baseball, and was good enough for all-county my senior year. However, I didn't get along with the other kids at all and was just there cause I liked playing. Found I really don't fit in with other athletic guys cause they are usually quite dumb and like **** and fart jokes. I don't find it amusing to have my shoes peed on from under the stalls or my space farted in or talking bad about women. To add to the weirdness, I was also, all-county band all 4 years of high school. Full of social idiots and people no one else likes the band should be a good home. I found this not to be the case. Bandies weren't chill enough and I generally didn't have a clue of what they were talking about, and wtf they don't know the rules of any sport? Basically my group experiences just further taught me how to hang out while not talking to anyone. Recently I was at a bull roast where as I was leaving I got the usual comment about how I didn't say a word to anyway.. and yet I wasn't as bad as I used to be, but i feel hung up on personal thoughts about how I wish i could get up and dance like normal people. I don't know why but girls ******* love dancing and being single I'm like damn look at the opportunity.. but what you going to do.

Talkative people are usually ********(not intentionally but they don't share, like how a ps3 streams from a computer but the computer can't stream from the ps3). They just let their thoughts flow out their mouth which in the end gives them the advantage of leading the conversation. In return a shy person will do what you said which is just listen, nod, or w/e (which i find makes things worse cause sometimes i'm like damn i Don't want to end up like this person where the listener just wants me to stfu). This is where of course it would be nice to have **** to say and it feels like your memory gave you the finger and wondered off. For me I over think or don't relate and so Its not that my memory is bad. If you were in the talkative persons shoes running your mouth free from the thoughts of how you are sitting there like the most boring person ever, you end up hitting certain points that spark memories.

Personal information is great for conversation. Sometimes for ideas and things to make sense you have to understand the person a little. Also, it makes things hell of a lot more interesting and real. Of course I generally don't go off like i did at the start of this comment because thats over kill and people think you are nuts. This goes hand in hand with long stories... When you get telling a story you have to get all the details out whether its personal or not. As you get more and more nervous its easy to leave out everything that makes the story. If you had already opened up you would probably feel less nervous and the details would be there so you don't get side tracked. To better explain my point there its almost like how when you have a best friend with an inside joke and all you need to say is one word and the rest of the joke/story is already in their head.

Someone mentioned depression and I noticed while researching social anxiety medication that the first treatment is usually an anti-depressant. This i find curious because I find I'm a lot more successful in thinking when I'm happy in life. Its like each state has a different memory bank. This one time i was talking to a friend on the internet who i knew and yet i didn't know who he was to the point he thought he had mistaken me for someone else.. Then i ran into the same friend a month later and I remember everything, like where he lived his real name, his other internet names the works.

I can't conquer talking to women(honostly/as myself) or groups of people and unlike most people drinking doesn't help. Makes things worse cause then my mind is insanely clogged with thoughts, some of which make less sense.