Once Upon A Time...

There are times in my past that I had close friends. Friends that knew how I breathe, we were so close. I saw these people on a daily basis. We were in eachother's back pockets at times. There were even times I didn't know how I would live without them.
Here's the thing, Most of the time we spent was at the exclusion of others. And that's the way it worked. One on one. A third would cause me to become quiet, an observer. I moved away for college, and I tried to stay in touch, but I dislike phones and they would dislike emails or letters. And we'd drift. And suddenly they were strangers and I had nothing to say. I would get new close friends in college, then I moved after graduation, and we drifted. I haven't had another close friend since. I have a highschool friend that I see every few years, and one college friend that we exchange pleasantries, and event invites. I think about calling them, just to talk, but I never do. I don't have that much to say. None of which is important, just the inane chatter that makes daily life.
It's not that I don't like to talk. I do. One on one, it can sometimes be hard to get me to stop. I can even overshare if I'm feeling comfortable with the person and they seem genuinely interested. But throw in a third party (or a fourth, fifth, sixth), and I clam up. I listen intently to the conversation around me, and seemingly no one notices that I have left the conversation. Bantering in groups is not going to happen. I think that if they just stopped, turned and said, "what do you think", then I would have something to say. But I don't talk for no reason. I don't interupt other's thoughts. And I'd rather not try to say something than take the risk of being interupted or ignored.
I've been labled rude, standoffish, snobby, and stuck-up because of my seeming indifference. After being left out of the conversation for a few minutes or more, sometimes I just wonder off to other things, without a by-your-leave. To excuse myself would be to interrupt, so I just leave. I assume they won't miss me anyway. I only do this when the talk is meaningless - accounts of the playoffs, general gossip, stories I've heard before. Those that knew me, those close friends I used to have, they never thought that of me. They used the word shy. I'll use the word introvert.
Being introverted in an extroverted world can be painful. It's hard to keep friends. It's hard to make them. And it's hard for them to understand. My husband, when we first met, didn't believe that I was introverted. With him, and only him, I was bubbly, verbose, even goofy and loud. Then we went to a party, and I stuck by his side and said very little. I laughed with the conversations around me, but I didn't crack my own jokes except in his ear. And I wanted to leave early. I was tired, spent, overwhelmed by the crowd. he is so extroverted, energized by the crowd, he lookes forward to parties for days. But he gets it. That's why I married him.
cassia40 cassia40
31-35, F
May 7, 2012