But Seriously

Where does one find friends? How does one nurture friendship?

My "friends," typically, are those that I work with wherever I'm currently working. Right now that means I have four friends. We laugh, joke, talk, and argue when we're working together, but, for the most part, our friendships don't extend beyond work.

Outside of work I tried going out to the bars with one of them, but had trouble keeping up with him. He'd randomly leave me behind at a bar, and then at some point during the night randomly stop answering my txts and calls asking where he'd run off to. I think it's common courtesy to try and stick together as friends if you're out drinking together. Maybe I'm old fashioned.

Another one of them is a smart, down-to-earth kind of guy who shares my interest in film and filmmaking. I like him but have a difficult time talking to him. Why is that? I wish I knew. He strikes me as potentially being a loyal, life-long friend if I could just figure out how to talk to him. Is it my wall that I need to hop over and be more open with him, or is it his wall that makes him hard to connect with?

Another of the guys is probably my favorite "friend" out there. He's much younger than I am (they all are), and his interests are radically different from mine in many ways, but he was the first one of all the guys to accept me. He works hard to ask questions that I'll enjoy answering, and there've been many a night when we ended up staying hours after our shift was over just talking about whatever crossed our minds. But because our interests aren't very similar, we don't spend much time together as friends outside of work. He's a big sports and outdoors kind of person. I'm a big indoors type of person. I enjoy reading/writing, he enjoys teleskiing--even in the summer (no patch of snow too small).

All my other friends from high school and college have moved on. Most live in entirely different states now.

Is this situation typical for others in their late 20's, early 30's, or 40's--assuming that they're single? I would guess that it's not atypical. As we age our childhood friends move away and get married and have careers and it's harder and harder (if not impossible) to stay in touch with them. Then, our lives become focused around our careers so our friends, by necessity, are those that we've met in the course of that career.

Is that what others have found to be the case after college? The person who has LOTS of friends between 27-45 is pretty rare, aren't they? Or is it me who's odd?

Still, if I could have even just a couple VERY tight/close friends who were as independent as I am that'd be the optimal situation. Still, where would I meet such people?
liferiot liferiot
26-30, M
8 Responses Jul 6, 2007

Again I read another entry of yours and actually feel compelled to respond. First of all... I guess I might be old fashioned too, but when you go out with a friend you leave with that friend. Friendship is also just as much of a romance as any other relationship. If I go out with a friend (male or female) I am there with that person, and I leave with that person. There is no such thing as "ditching" them. But generations are different even though there is only a half-decade difference. Time is moving faster every day. As far as the people you think you should be friends with but can not connect.... well may be you read him wrong, or he felt the same way. Miscommunication happens. Friends are harder to keep than to find as you get older. I will say that. You grow apart and take differnt paths. True friends though will still care what happens to you between their kids and their own lives. Just because friends do not talk every day does not mean they do not care. Most of them care more than your new friends. I only had a handful of friends growing up. They still live in the small town we grew up in, and have kids. I moved on and have no kids. My life is sooo different. But when I go back to see them we put aside our differences, or embrase them. We are friends and will always love each other. I guess it was our differences, and us being out-casts that brought us together to begin with.

I have a same situation. Sometimes I wanna be more funny and more attractrive like my friend so she have many of friend who can be always beside her in every situation. But I can't, its hard, really! I dont talk too much, because I affraid nobody listening

Remember quality over quantity. I have been blessed to have many "friends" in my life. I don't use that label lightly. These are people that have been with me through ups and downs and visa versa. Friendship is a two-way street. Give and take. Just because I meet someone and talk to them doesn't mean they are a friend. I have to really get to know someone. I have to have something in common with that person. I have met friends at work, through other friends, by participating in fundraising events, groups that have similar interests to mine, parents of my sons' friends...Something I always tell my students when they say "no one wants to be my friend"...to have a friend, you need to be a friend. Sometimes you need to make the first step. Put on a smile and mingle! : )

I'm only 23 and I'm in much the same situation. I'm not even sure I connect with the people at work that well. I don't like to talk about the stuff I do on my own, which is everything, so what's left for them to relate to? It seems like you have to have friends to make friends, so anything that leaves you alone for an extended period, like moving, or depression or whatever, threatens to leave you alone forever.

Anybody out there remember the serioes on T.V. titled "Friends"<br />
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What a great set of writers and actors that was!!!<br />
<br />
R

:) well I'm glad that's improving. People who use you to attract girls are not people you can call your friends. If you do keep moving, that is a little tough on friendships but you can always keep in contact through the phone or email...even though it may not be as good as seeing them face-to-face, its the next best thing if you are close to a friend and dont want geographical distance to turn into distance in your friendship.

Another thing I thought of the other day is how I'm starting to make more real friends--after being back in Bozeman for two and a half years. Maybe that's why so many people have so few good/real friends: we don't stay put long enough to develop and nurture those friendships. I know I've had the tendency lately (in the last decade or so) to move every couple of years; I change jobs, change addresses, and it's hard for any roots to take hold when the soil they need keeps moving. I don't think I'm exceptional in this regard. I think our society is highly nomadic, therefore, lonely. Maybe eventually we'll learn to either do with less friendship and social ties or make them much more rapidly. <br />
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RE: violation, I basically fired a group of my "friends" about six months ago because I felt like they were--on the whole--negative, and kind of a manipulative group. The dynamics were just very complicated. One friend would hear something about me from another person and then would hold it against me and/or pass it around to the rest of them, and I was never certain who was telling me the real story...and I rarely felt like I got a fair shake from them. It seemed like they kept me around because I'm a sympathetic soul, plus I think they thought I was good looking and so they wanted me around to ***** to, and possibly hook up with should the need ever arise for them. Not healthy for mr. me, though. So I just stopped calling and didn't take them up on any invitations. I'm not rude to them or anything, I just don't think they're good for me. <br />
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That said, I'm focusing on developing healthy, worthwhile friendships with a couple buddies from work. Like you say, the possibility of great friendships (even if they take a lot of work) is worth its weight in gold. Wish me luck!

ugh, I know your difficulties.<br />
I had one good friend two years ago but she changed and after the way things worked out after that, I changed to. I find it so difficult nowadays to open up to someone without scaring them away with my feelings or thoughts. From the way you describe your favorite friend, I think he's the one that you could really get close to. If your interests differ, perhaps you could try doing some of the things he likes and you could have him do stuff you like to do. Compromise may be out of your comfort zone but friendship is worth it.