But when you know the book, and never seen it's cover... It's an odd thing.

Update: My friend that wants to marry me settled down. He understands now that he could not just drop that on me. And on Easter, he helped my daughter's friend's family. What can I say? He knows my soft spots. So, he wanted me to attend this event with him. I agreed. I am here at the hotel (Separate rooms, I win! ;) We just got done having lunch with some of his colleagues. I have never met them before. It was interesting to see this professional side of him. His "cover" of you will. He was still himself, just.... professional.
I gotta admit, I liked it.
Usually he & I can range from being perversely blunt & brash to the most sophisticated of cats, but we never witnessed out professional paths.
I came up to my room to start getting ready for this evening, so, I'm here typing this. lol...
I guess I'm just a bit freaked out. Not really knowing what to expect, not knowing anyone but him. Usually, we are around mutual friends. Oh! Realization!!! Man, he played this well, didn't he!!?
I guess when you think about it, this is how it's supposed to be. It's kinda cute he wants to look good in front of me. I could tell his colleagues like & respected his opinions about things. And the were very nice & funny. I liked how articulate he was about their profession, but realized when he was so insistent about getting married; it resembled how he spoke about their business contracts. Hey, I can't blame him. It's what he knows and it has worked well for him, but not for me. lol..
I was kind of dreading this whole thing, but after lunch, it's a bit more exciting. Perhaps I do need to take the time to see him in a different light. At least there is inteligent, witty, humor & conversation.
Well, wish me luck for tonight!
Stickwithmebaby Stickwithmebaby
41-45, F
3 Responses Apr 11, 2015

I will respond to you tomorrow, my friends.
Just wanted you to know it was a lovely & interesting night. Thanks for all your words!

It sounds like you have him in a particular box, maybe it is time to let him out of the box and see who he really is, it feels to me that you are afraid that you can not handle him if you see him clearly, that maybe you really do want more than from him than you are allowing yourself to feel, try to get rid of the box and see him as a man who loves you, and is not trying to force anything on you, except loving you, why are you so intent in being in control of this situation , what would happen if you let your real feelings out?

You are correct on many things ,Rose. I do have a fear of commitment. And yes, I am very afraid of losing control. The last guy I saw, I let him closer to me than I had let anyone in a long, long time. And I still didn't give him all of me, but still got hurt. We both fell completely in love with each other & to be honest, my heart is still with him. I am trying to find away to let go. I don't think it is possible. I love him on a whole other level. I want nothing, but happiness for him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. How can I give myself & heart to someone else? I don't know how. Maybe, I'm still not ready, but to be honest; I am Content with knowing the last man who physically touched me, I loved deeply. I guess I just feel I am his, only his. No one else has the right to kiss or touch me.
With this guy, he is a wonderful man, but even when he tried to lead me by the small of my back, I crawled beneath my skin. When he came close to me while talking with people and rested his hand on my hip, I caught myself taking a step away, I had to sshift to my other hip and lean towards him to make up for it & not embarrass him. These things were natural with the one I love, with him, it feels unnatural to me. Am I making sense? He is a really good, sweet man. So perhaps I am not ready or it just isn't meant to be. He deserves someone who is completely into him & naturally leans into him, not pulls away. Right?
I tried explaining this to him. He says he'll give me all the time I need.

Yes, I think your body is definitely giving you some strong messages about this man as perfect as he seems to be, I always follow my intuition and my body because your brain/ego can and will tell you lies to get what it wants, I never trust my ego, and it has learned to let go if some of its need to be right, but it is a battle, I would think that if he were right for you, your body would not be so unwilling to be touched or your heart either by him, so go with that and see where it leads you, when you are ready and have made your peace with the loss of the one you loved, you may then be ready for a commitment or at least a relationship, I think you are very wise to understand what your soul is telling you.
I don't think time will make you feel any differently about this man, you are getting the signals loud and clear,

Wishing you the Best of Luck on your Discoveries