Life Goes On. . .

History keeps being made, day in and day out, and life continues to go on (at least for now). I'm only twenty-one years old, I'm still writing my life story, my life experiences, living out my goals, and playing my life's part.  

I don't know if I'll have someone to carry on my legacy, to write how my story ends, or to fill in the blanks that leave you guessing. My life is a mystery, no one knows why I do what I do or if they can even explain why I feel the need to keep doing it.

I've always been misunderstood even by the people who have or was supposed to know me best. It's hard to explain the last sentence but it's true. My mother and I have never been close because she could never get inside my brain (although she has tried), my husband wants me to confide my deepest thoughts and why I fail to see him as my counselour (but even he feels a disconnect), and the list just goes on. My mother and I have always had a mental disconnect and have always had the most difficult relationship because of her lack of interest. My husband and I are great together, we agree on a lot of topics, we have fun together, but when I say or do something that I feel, he finds a way to put ash on my fire or criticize it to make me feel wrong about myself.

I don't want to be a mystery, but I am. The only place that I can truly be myself is here because there are so many other people that fit into my world or my way of thinking. There just doesn't seem enough time in the world to explain who I am and why I am what I am or why I feel the way I do. Even here, I find that I am saving the best stories for last, and that they'll never be told or completed.  

I feel that my stories won't be told or completed is because no one knows me, what I want, what I love, what I hate, why I love it or them, why I hate it, what I need, why I need it, etc. I just want to write my whole story, pour out my soul, have someone feel my emotions, have someone feel my soul, have someone overstand my being, and not be judged or questioned.

Dimples87 Dimples87
26-30, F
7 Responses Jun 16, 2008

Just be what you are and things will take shape automatically like magic. It will take time for others and there might be a time when you mother would be close to you as well. It happened with me. I have the same story as yours. Now I am my mother's only closest person and support. Dont bother what your husband says or thinks if it hurts you. Just be thick skinned with it and see through that he is immature. It happened with my husband too. Only more because for others we were a gorgeous couple but for ourselves we were a bore because he kept so much to himself and was a workaholic. He is still now but life has changed a lot. Just let your life flow and you flow with it. Your state is the same with many dear. So dont worry. Take care. Bye

Tammy, I totally agree but the people around me wants me to come out of my shell and I'm having a bit of trouble with it. I've been hurt too much in the past to come out and be thrown back in the same rucus again and again.

Personally I think if you don't have some sort of mystery, you're boring. Mystery makes life more interesting.

Thanks, Mahler, your words just gave me the courage to stand up and do what I need to do now. I guess, it's time that I put on my mental boxing gloves and fight (even though I have) but it's just time that I start winning.

Knowing yourself is important Dimples, but forgiving yourself is also important. I have made many mistakes in my life, and if I did not learn a lesson from one of them, then the same thing would come up in a different guise and bite me on the backside again until I learned!<br />
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There have been times in my life when I thought things would never get better, I was at the bottom, in the depths of despair, but then the only way to go was up. OK, it was a struggle but I knew that my life was in my hands only, there was no one to tell me things would be alright, so I had to put on my mental boxing gloves and fight.<br />
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I guess even at my age, I am still learning, and still learning about myself, I get problems but have to deal with them the best way that I can. I feel you are a strong person but one who has had a lot of knocks in life, but I am sure you will reach calmer waters, do't give up the fight, there is happiness for you to come. xx

You know what, Mahler, I love your outlook. I think I have made enough mistakes in this lifetime and enough for the next life I may live, I've learned enough lessons in this twenty one year lifespan to last me seventy more years, I feel like I'm tired of my ups and downs & living through this struggle. Your outlook has given me another window that I haven't yet looked out of. I think I do understand myself and always have. Seems like I've waited all my life for someone to find me and to just tell me that it is okay, I understand you, and I always will . . . but no one ever has.

None of us know how our stories will end. But you have such a long way to go, lots of mistakes to make, lots of lessons to be learned, life is a roller coaster, all we can do is our best, to try and reach the goals we have set for ourselves, caring for others, taking one day at a time and living it to the full, for who knows what tomorrow may bring.<br />
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We are all unique and no one will ever fuly understand us, indeed we do not fully understand ourselves sometimes. Your path is set out before you, have courage and walk along it with confidence,.