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This Is Why I..."have to go and make things so Complicated..."

I don't ask for help really. I try everything else first, I think it through over and over, analyze, try to fix it myself, only when I'm positive I can't go on without it do I ask. Why? Hmm. This confuses me a bit too. I don't want to burden others with my problems? I don't believe they can help? I don't want them to worry? They won't understand? It will make them think less of me? I don't think it's worthy of concern? I don't know how to ask? I want to look strong so others will think they can depend on me? It makes me feel weak for not being able to solve it independently? I don't know. Maybe it's all of them. I just hate it though. I want to take on other people's problems, I want them to trust me, because with all the power I have, I would never willingly let anyone down. So, I want everyone else's problems, but they can't have mine? I would never would seek a councelor(sp?) but I want to councel? I am a strange case indeed. Hmm.

Once, as in one time, I wanted help from the school councelor. I tried to see her, what, 4 times? There was always someone in there, she was gone, I gave up. I thank God now that I didn't visit her. I was concerned about feeling sad so much. But I NEED to have it. I have real reasons for all of my feelings and I can name them. The pain cleanses me. It hurts when it's there, but the discomfort with how things are makes me want to make things better. It makes me seek God. It humbles me and takes the fog from my eyes. It renews my sight, I doubt things I have done and do new things. Arrogance begets ignorance, and so I have humbleness, not a large ego. Without that pain I have had, would I have the wisdom I have learned from those experiences, would I have as much faith in God now, would I be slightly like the person I am now? I don't think I would be. I am thankful for the trials and the nessecary discomfort. If things are wrong, I feel discomfort! If I notice the fakeness of the world and blindness of people, aren't I supposed to be moved by that? I simply observe more things than most people I think. A lot of it isn't good. So there. And I would never trade the pain for what I learned, I never would trade my sight for blind happiness, trade my mind for ignorance. Some of you won't understand, but it makes perfect sense to me, it is what I stand by.

So, in conclusion, I do need help sometimes. Help, productive help. I don't want to just "feel better," it has to be fixed. I have to learn to solve it, heal it. No pills. No feel good sayings, empty words. If I find a problem, I can't ignore it. I fix it, or I need help fixing it. I can't ignore my emotions, I can hide them from people who see me pretty well, but I feel them and don't try to push them away. I ask for help when I know I need it, the discontent becomes too much, and I know I can't make it alone. I might need a little help on a couple of things, for reasons I said before. If I do ask though, I really need it, because I only do it when I have to. If I need help, I know. I know I can't do everything alone. I can't lie to you, if you ask I'll have to be honest. :) So, this was my super long story that went off topic. Hope you liked it! I'm thankful for things. I'm also so grateful there are people out there who will provide sound help like that. :)  
Angelwings7 Angelwings7 13-15, F Jan 12, 2012

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