Relationships I Really Don't Get It...

so relationships I really don't get. this is ironic as i am fairly good at figuring people out and getting into their head but when it comes to me and a relationship my brain turns off.

well as a teenager i barely got into any and the longest i ever had was when i was 18 and it was over the internet for 8 months. and that was 10 years ago. now partly due to choice and partly due to religious reasons i wanted to save myself for marriage. well as one can begin to imagine being 28 and relationship clueless and the most sex appearance i have is with google and sex and you know where that is going i can safely say i am clueless. but wtf admits that to anyone?

well anyway my religious preference is mormon i mention this as i am not from utah but just moved here for a school a few years ago....and what little i did know about dating got crushed in a state where people can get engaged in a week or a month. i really don't get that. ideally here marrying someone of the same religion is the preference. although a date or two of whoever wouldn't bother me.

i am capable of finding dates my problem is my brain apparently shuts off if i think oh i am attracted to you. science apparently agrees the male brain does do this. so i rarely actually go on dates though ive been on a few in the past few years which more than ive done in forever.

my problem is i don't understand romance. wtf is romance. i also don't understand the drama and BS that accompanies dating. seems like almost everyone i see that gets thrown into a relationship has needless drama and BS....oh you forgot to call me, who were you with last night, you forgot valentines day *drops nuke on your house*. seriously. endless BS that I have no patience for.

then supposing i get my way through first base....dear God wtf is sex. internet **** completely kills any realistic expectation of sex. media distorts it. sex is very very very taboo in this religion(more on that later) and is an in general taboo subject.

in my parents home and our religion sex is some bizarre evil thing. yet if you are married it is GREAT. the problem is i am 28 and am just now trying to detach feelings of guilt and shame for actually liking the opposite sex. i know that sounds crazy but thats what i grew up with. i understand internet **** is damaging there is sound logic there. but even so much as looking at a girl wrong is cause for alarm apparently. it really has ruined my sexual mental state.

the problem is i want a marriage. i want kids. but i feel like i missed the boat on sexual development. i have no clue what romance is. no clue what sex is well i know what sex is but i mean actual intimate sex with a partner. feelings of pointless guilt and shame got wrapped into my head thanks to my upbringing. and quite frankly i already have a low social drive and sex drive although thanks to this sexual repression my sex drive is ever increasing. which has lead to internet **** relapsing after i did so well to kick the habit(well that and the stress of college and utah). and i dont want a relationship with that addiction cause that isn't right but at the same time i have no clue what healthy male sexuality is. i feel like i skipped this phase of human development somewhere. yet i am 28 and pressure is on gotta get married and have kids right??? is what we do by this point.

i feel so lost. i don't understand any of it. and the people i could talk to that would help are either as lost as i am or would get me some beer and give me a one night stand somewhere which is not quite what i want....

from what i can tell dating at first is a bunch of tense false first impressions nonsense....i'd much rather have fun discussing some crazy conspiracy theory or politics to me that is fun was your day or what music do you like kind of pretense crap or in utah my ever favorite what is your favorite disney movie *facepalm* but again i confess i do not know what romance is.

i'd just love a girl where the first date could break that stupid first date script. or was into something other than music, english, or a business major. i meet guys who are into every topic under the women and its gossip, music, english majors, business majors or some kind of teacher or sociology psychology major. heck some english majors are taking college classes solely so they pass time as they wait to get married and pop out kids. like really? is that your sole purpose in life?

i suppose i want the impossible an intelligent girl? a girl that won't kill me nonsense and BS drama? so far i've yet to run into that. call me nuts. but i do confess not knowing what romance is will eventually be a problem either way i cut it.


kayne2000 kayne2000
Nov 30, 2012