I Just Don't Know How To Fix It

Hey,

I'm in a relationship with this guy who loves me and I live him back, but I can't give him or anyone in my life my complete love because it's guarded by a wall. This wall is so strong, it sometimes feels like it's phycically there.

History: 

I haven't always been this way, although for as long as I can remember I've been a guarded person. Always following the rules and living life under a rock of protection.  I broke away from that when I began dating a guy (Guy A) who made me feel safe and secure and he ended up hurting me so I broke it off.

Once I healed from that I began seeing a guy (Guy B)who was adventurious and lit up my world. Everytime we were together, I felt excited for what he would think of to do next.  After a while he began making excuses for why he couldn't make it to a date and would only talk to me on weekeds. In all my relationships I refused to be that nagging girlfriend, so I  in the end I got doormatted.  He used me  for over 2 months, because I refused to believe what was going on.  Even when we had sex, there was zero connection on his side, so I learned to shut off my connection during the act. Then I stoped seeing him, which broke my heart...what made it worse that was that he lied about doing drugs and seeing other girls/guys when we were "together."  I was pretty broken after that and used drink and sex as a release, which always hurt the next day because you knew they wouldn't call back but you still hoped they would.

Then I met a sweet young guy (Guy C) who really liked me (total virgin, who was saving it, which I was happy for), we never really had a connection but he was fun to be with.  Then one night I made a move he was uncomfortable with, and he backed off but I shut down entirely (realizing I had become the monster Guy B was and I didn't want to do anything like that to hurt Guy C) so I ended it, which hurt him anyways.  After that night it was like waking up after sleep walking. I felt bad about everything I'd done in the past year (this all happened within a year) and wanted to get myself figured out and back on the road of real life.  For 3.5 months, I healed and regained alot of my lost confidence back, there were still the occasional ask outs where they didn't show up, but I wasn't really looking to date yet anyway.

Then I got a call froma friend of mine who wanted to set me up on this blind date, and she was not taking no for an answer, so I reluctantly agreed.  He asked me out a few hours later and was the first guy to show up, on time, and to my door step in over a year (I actually closed the door in his face because

I was so suprised).   The date was amazing I felt liberated, but was getting more of a friend feel and anything else, but all in all it was great.  He called me back the next day! We went out again and the chemistry set in and we've been together for almost a year now.  We've had our ups and downs, mostly because of out past bad relationships, but we've worked through that. Except for some reason, I'm still holding myself behind my walls.

I know he feels them there, and it frustrates him that they are still there.  He does what he can to support me and has given me all the time I need to figure out how to break down my walls, but for the life of me I have no idea how to bring them down.  I start making progress, but then something happens that reminds me of the past and I throw the wall back up, as high as ever.  I need to know how to bring down my wall for good. Help!

 

Lyssmix Lyssmix
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 27, 2010

well, you have to talk to people more :) and try being honest with them in a good way and observe their respond.., i think :)

hi there,<br />
<br />
you are not alone. i have surrounded myself with the 'walls' all my life due to life experience & stories frm people around me. but i once had tried to break the walls down and tried. it felt amazing and somehow it fulfills me.although the relationship doesn't working and i end up hating him during the healing process, but i never regret what i did. in fact, i begin to understand people better and understand what i need in my next relationship.<br />
<br />
good luck to u!i hope thing will turns up well once you let your guard down and be real.there is a possibility you might find the 'one' and be happy. to love and being in love is the best feelings in the world. just stay positive and be happy always :-)

Hello, <br />
Im the person on the other shoe and i can tell you its not a good feeling doing everything you can to break down them wall time after time. Be very careful as you may loss this great guy if you dont figure this out soon. My advice learn for every relationship you have had, work out why they didnt work, find a way to let this go, as this is the passed.... and there will be no future if you keep pushing people away. That your time but remember you cant expect someone to wait around forever.