Unhealthy

Today is the day I have been fearing. It came too fast. This is a hard day. I do not even know why I had to wake up today. I planned on sleeping through this day. I could not do that though. I have to face reality. I'm going to the grave in a few hours. It will be the first time I've gone since the day he was burried there. "Maybe I'll finally have closure,even just a tiny bit of closure,"I thought as I decided to type this.
This day last year I went to sleep at about two a.m. I had been in a very mad mood. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess because things hadn't gone as planned that night. I wanted to get out of my bad mood,and I just wanted to talk to someone. "what are you doing?"I texted my older sister. "what's wrong?"she asked. "nothing. I'm just bored. why do you ask that?"I was confused. "you never text me,"she answered. Our conversation was over a few minutes later. I was still upset for whatever reason. Before I finally fell asleep I said,"God,I hate you!" I don't know why I was angry with God. I guess I just needed someone to blame for my madness. At eight a.m. I awoke to an officer banging on my bedroom window. At first I thought it was because I was in trouble. Then a thought popped in my head,"someone's dead." I concluded that my grandmother may have passed away or something had happened to her and that was why the cop was there. I decided I was too tired to get up,so I went back to sleep as the officer drove away(I found out a few days later he was looking for somebody that didn't live at my home). I woke up a few hours later to my mother screaming through my locked bedroom door,"Bianca,get up!!!!" She sounded crazy. I didn't know what had happened. I came out of my bedroom in confusion. "Bentley's dead!"she cried. I was so confused and shocked. I don't think I had any emotions. I was numb. It was real though. I went with my oldest sister and mother to the house he died at. We spent what felt like a lifetime at that house sitting outside as the cops questioned my sister and her ex boyfriend as to what happened and how their son passed away. The cops investigated the house. His body was already gone by then. For some reason to me it still wasn't real. I had this screen saver set as my gallery. The pictures would change every minute. It kept changing to pictures of Bentley,which brought my tears. I tried to be strong and hide my tears. I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet crying. I said,"God,I really hate you now!" I watched a video I had recorded of Bentley only a few weeks before. The tears just flowed down my face. That day just drug on. I had to go to a wedding later that day. I just wanted to feel like everything was ok. I saw my older sister that day later. I didn't know what to say to her. She was still in shock also. She had just lost her baby. I hugged her,and she left. Her other son got taken away that day because he was there when it happened. It happened while the father had them. I guess he had drank that night. My sister was not there when it happened. They blamed the father for the death because he had drank. He was crying all day long,blaming himself. That night I went to my sister's house to see how she was. I sat in the living room and saw "Bentley"written all over things. When my sister thinks she doodles. She seemed ok,although I know she wasn't. For some stupid reason I went with my friend to a guy's house. I just wanted to feel normal,I guess. I just wanted to ignore what had happened. I felt like I was living in a dream. I ended up hooking up with a guy that night. I don't know why. I think I just wanted comfort. I wanted to feel like my life wasn't falling apart. I didn't tell him about the death. I acted like everything was fine,including me. Nothing was fine though. I was lying to myself. At five the next morning I sat in Mcdonalds with my friend as we ate breakfast. The news was talking about September 11th. I realized that it was real. The day before was real. I finally went to sleep a few hours later. That night I saw the video that was to be played at his funeral. It broke my heart. I spent that night and the next night with my sister. She needed comfort. The funeral came around. Everybody that attended that funeral was either drunk or hi or anything they turned to during that heartache. I was drinking. We all cried. There was hundreds of people in that little church. I looked around and everyone was crying their eyes out. All you could hear was loud cries. The preacher started off with a prayer for forgiveness. He mentioned to let go of the guilt of not being there for Bentley all the time or not holding him one last time,just everything to let go of. He had everybody repeat it with him. We did,but it didn't seem to help. I still have guilt for it to this day,a year later. I saw his body. He looked like he was sleeping. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him one last time. During all this I turned to beer and food and my new boyfriend. He still had no clue I was falling apart. I didn't care. I had to feel a bit normal even during all that. I didn't cry too much. I wouldn't let myself. The morning after the funeral was the burial. It was a very windy morning. Everone was gathered around the place he would be put. I wish I wouldn't have stayed to see them lower the casket,but I did. The father jumped in the hole where the casket was. It broke my heart. That image still finds its way into my memory and brings me to tears. September was hard to get through. I don't know how my family or I made it. A few months later I wrote a note to Bentley. I read it almost every night for a month. I just wanted to face reality. I wanted to forgive myself.
It read:Dear Bentley Aydin Ray Zimmerman,
I remember the day I noticed you were inside your mother. I was very suprised I was the first to notice. I remember the day you were born. I held you in the hospital. I was never one to hold babies because I was scared to. On Christmas I remember holding you with your bottle. You were the first baby I was not scared to hold. I remember after school one day rocking you in you carseat until you calmed down. And I remember your swing that you loved so much. I loved that you had a tent of red in your hair and dimples. You looked like me when I was a baby and I thought that was sweet. I remember the first night I kept you at my house. We watched t.v. You laid on the floor on my white and black zebra blanket. I was crying beause I was sad. You began to cry too. I lyed next to you on the blanket and we calmed each other down. It was weird to me that you could sense the sadness I tried so hard to hide. You became my absolute favorite person that night. I realized you did not care that I was an emotional wreck and that I most likely looked crazy. I remember you cried the next day because you didn't want to leave me. That made me feel kinda good. At that moment your mother was going through some problems,so I felt like I could sorta fill in for her until things got settled. I remember trying to teach you how to crawl. We spent hours on that livingroom floor. I remember you used to pinch my legs to get my attention. You stood holding onto me while I wrote. You slobbered all over me,and i really didn't mind. I remember feeding you. I fed you a tiny bite of my pep stick,my favorite food. I remember you always trying to pull down my bedside table. You never managed to do it,but if you would've I couldn't be mad because you were too cute. You were cranky one night so I sat next to you and sang. You looked up at me quietly. I never knew if you liked my singing or you were wondering what in the world I was doing. I loved when you woke up right when I did in the mornings you were with me. I loved how you'd crawl to me and bug me thinking I was asleep. You loved my pink and black blanket. I always think of you when I see it. I loved you and still do. I'm sorry I didn't keep you as much as I could've. I'm sorry I didn't just take you while your mom and dad figured out their situation. I could've,but I was too selfish. I didn't wanna take care of a baby because I wanted to live my teenage life. That was very mean of me and I would give anything to go back and just keep you because you really weren't any problem at all. I'm sorry I didn't pay much attention to you. I was caught up in a lot of things. And no,that's no excuse. I know that now. But I was being selfish. Please forgive me. I wish you were still here. I wish you could've been with us to turn one year old yesterday. I wish you were here to spend christmas with me in a few days. But I'm thsnkful you never sinned. You never got put down for anything. You never got bullied or teased. You were never emotionally hurt. All you did was put a smile on everyone who saw you's face. You touched many people in a very good way. You were the best baby ever to me. I am glad you're in heaven where you'll always be safe. I love you Bent-Bent and I will never forget you. Love aunt Bianca
I am still not over it and I still haven't forgiven myself. I grieved in an unhealthy way;trying to deny. It's real. He's really gone. It's really been a year today. Maybe I can start trying to heal. Only time will tell.
deleted deleted
26-30
Sep 10, 2012