Deja Vu!

Sorry Eminem, excellent song by the way!! Yeah my life is like Deja Vu! Every morning up early, straight to chemist at 9am! Pick up Methadone, and have to drink it on premisses, as me and addict partner got in a share/borrow situation! Well at least we now have our own scripts!! Valium every Friday! Olanzapine every Saturday! And Nitrazepam as often as we can get them!!! But my biggest problem was injecting, I just couldn't stop it1 Even when my 18yr old daughter found me covered in blood! See I love drugs! I'm obsessed about them! When I hear of a new one, like Oxycontin I NEED to try it! Even though its not over here yet!!!
Realised life had to change or I would be doing this till I died!! Decided to go to Rehab! Big step for me, as I was always an Amy Winehouse " Rehab", They tried to make me go to Rehab ,but I said No, no, no!!! But this time Yes! Been to see it last Tues! It is a beautiful massive old house, pheasants walking around, as you please! Had grueling interview, not just about drugs!!! Childhood, domestic Violence ,the lot!!!Was positive though! Met people, everyone was friendly! But the strictness of the rules scared me!! No INTERNET WTF!!! No contact with any drink/druggers which rules out ALL of MY mates. Not even husband!!!! But I thought we'd be able to write!! But No!!!Not even Husband again!!!!WTF!!! Was upset, said ,This is a problem! You expect me to be away for 6-9 months and NO LETTERS! She said maybe special circumstances!!!****!!! This is such a big decision, do I stay or do I go?? Want the new life, but it may split my relationship up, as hes not quite ready to stop yet!   Well came home and reality hit home!! So I drowned my sorrows with a bottle of Baileys!!! Not Good! But yesterday, I got the itch, the itch that needs scratching!!! I rang a dealer, he was coming over same night, couldn't believe LUCK!!! Got fav downers then some cyc!! The ones I inject! I couldn't help it Got soooo excited! Got them without partners consent!! We said " This is your last dig!!! But will it!! I soon as I had it I wanted MORE!!! MORE MORE!!! Enjoyed it! Was back there in my own world!! How will I manage without?? This is soo hard, been at it 18yrs now!!!! Love my digs, despite pain or miss!!! Could not get over how psyched up I was over a drug deal!,Was shaking in anticipation!! Will that ever go away??
So Rehab, day visit, next Tues, to see what goes on, v.v.v. nervous!!! Have to rely on myself, without little helpers!!!God HElp ME! Last dig??? INot sure yet! Don't know how to cope without!!!   Well Yesterday mistake, fell off wagon, had done 7 weeks , no digs but Deja Vu ,back there again!!! Wish me Luck! I sorely need it!!!   Cath
cath17 cath17
36-40, F
2 Responses May 11, 2012

"Sickman" by Alice in Chains.

I Can Feel The Wheel But I Can't Steer,<br />
When My Thoughts Become My Biggest Fear

Which lyrics are these , my musical friend? Cath