I Want To Get To Know Her Before I Lose My Chance

My parents split up before I was old enough to remember them being together. I lived with my mother as a child, visiting my father on the weekends. I used to visit my grandmother every summer, while I lived with my mother. My grandmother and I had a wonderful relationship, but it changed once I moved out of my mother's home and into my father's.

I chose to move when I was 13, I left my mother for reasons I believed were entirely just. I couldn't handle the alcohol 'den' my mother turned our home into.

Sadly, it wasn't an easy transition. My mother never wanted me to leave, so I had to make that decision and follow through with it on my own. Once I made it to my father's house, he dealt with my mother using the court system... and I basically flipped my mother off and said goodbye.

Needless to say, my grandmother was not pleased. Shortly after I left my mother's home, my grandmother and I stayed in touch... but it was clear that the dynamic changed... I was a young teenager, trying to find myself and deal with the still unresolved pain from my childhood.

I felt like my grandmother blamed me. She never said an unkind word to me until I left my mother.

I never understood why or how she could justify blaming me for leaving my alcoholic mother. I felt like she expected me to stay with my mother to take care of her, but I couldn't be the caretaker of my mother anymore... I needed to take care of myself and nurture me. How could that be my fault?

For a long time when my grandmother and I would speak on the phone, she would call me "a little ****" for not calling her often enough or spending enough time with my mother. This kind of talk struck a chord deep within me, and as an extremely volatile and rebellious teenager I basically flipped her off and said goodbye to her as well.

Some time has passed; I am 24 now. I feel the call of my heritage and I miss my grandmother so much. After my grandfather passed I felt unbearable despair, wishing I could have known him... missing someone I was so close to, yet never knew.

My grandmother has had open heart surgery, a hip replacement, a stroke, and many more terrifying ailments since our relationship turned sour. Every time I get a call from my mom with bad news, I dread the worst of course.

I've written her countless letters, explaining my fears as well as my anger, expressing my desire to be a more active part of her life, and mostly expressing my love.... but I've never had the guts to actually send her these letters. They simply float around my house, lying within piles of other documents as if they are emotional landmines, just waiting to explode when I tread near them.

Her time is near, and she and I have never been more distanced. How do I do this? Are we doomed?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 21, 2013