I Dont Know How To Start Over

for the last 10 years i've been living with my husband Leo's chronic pain.  he died in may.  it was unexpected by all the doctors who saw him but he knew he was dying and he told me so.  i didnt quite believe him but i wasnt  as shocked as other people who knew him were.  no one knew how he suffered except for me.  i was his witness and i witnessed a lot.  

so now im on my own.  im 50 years old, we had no children.  i have brothers and sisters and a couple of friends. most of them abandoned us as we could never commit to any plans since leo's pain was often triggered by the slightest anxiety.  at least this was true after the first few years of his sickness and became truer the longer he suffered.  i dont feel bitter about those friends, they were just not into having a bad time, they were too young to be thinking about such things.  even people who are older and still healthy find it difficult to face someone who suffers.  im not too sure that i would have stuck around if he wasnt my husband. i am grateful for my family now that leo is gone but they didnt give me much support through it all until it was too late so im careful not to grow to dependent on their sincerity.  also i have to deal with my own disease (parkinsons disease - like michael j fox) and its a lot.    

i feel sort of stranded.  just yesterday was the first time I thought about trying to find what i need on the internet .  this may sound unfeeling to some people because it hasnt been a long time that leo has been gone.  but i dont care how people are going to judge me, they will only understand if i had a chance to explain to them but they always judge first and i dont feel like explaining to people like that.  there just isnt time.  i want to find someone to be with, and the sooner the better.  

i can honestly say that i never, not once, felt animosity towards leo for being sick.  i never felt like leaving him.  he was my husband and we were in this together.  it astounded me at first when people started to suggest to me that i should, or i might want to, or how could i not, leave him!  but now that leo is gone i can hardly contain myself.  i just want to do some living before my pd takes away my independence.   i know leo would want me to move on quickly.  he felt terrible that he needed me so much and that i was alone.  

i found ep after a checking out a few sites for dating (never saw myself as an internet dater) and one sight for dating for people with disabilities just turned me off.  i dont consider my pd the most important thing about me. i am trying to do the right things for myself;  I am an artist, i am a prolific painter, i volunteer at a local school, i belong to a pd support group and I am taking a class one night a week but none of these occupations has brought me any happiness.  i suppose it will take time is what most  people will advise but i hope it wont take too long. i want to start over now.  i am a little surprised but its how i feel.

clarkee clarkee
8 Responses Feb 15, 2010

Prepare your future with help when your condition gets worse. In the mean time join a group that like meet or travel.

Oh Gosh, we are soo different yet I'd love to go on a road trip together.<br />
There are 2 beaches I want to revisit. Jade & Moonstone Beach Then we go right past Hearts (sp?) Castle. Or up the 10 mile driveway! Stay as specific as you have been and even more. You will have all the loving Lovliness you seek in surprising unexpected ways. (unless one marries for money, I think that is how it works anyway. Oh Happy Day!

I am sorry for the difficult times you and Leo went through and applaud your love and devotion. I also love your positive attitude and know you will be living life to the full.

I think u are very brave, the year about to end so I wish u feel much better now and my best wishes to u for a very merry Christmas that u deserve.<br />
<br />
Also wishing u an excellent new year.<br />
<br />
Many respect to u......<br />
<br />
Soma, Jordan

You can put herbs in capsules, I had to do it when my son was 3 years old, he didn't like the taste but the capsules solved the problem. The cleanse takes 30 days and is repeated twice a year. Dr Hilda Clark and Dr Sandra Cabot both have information in their books. <br />
<br />
We used the Dr Hilda Clark advice because the hospital were treating my son with a toxic substance for a bowel condition and his liver was showing signs of damage. Fortunately the liver has a remarkable way of recovering with herbal remedies

I have also heard that cleansing the liver can make the body function more efficiently and make you feel more comfortable

I want to hug you and offer friendship and support. I am a woman 56, on my own (divorced)... grown up son, was a single parent for 16 years.<br />
<br />
I take short courses at the local community college to get me out of the house, also I am very active within my church.... <br />
<br />
Have you had any grief counseling ? It is good to talk !<br />
<br />
hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss<br />

Petuliaclark, I am so saddened to read of the cruel hand you have been dealt, and I sympathise with you in your pain and grief. Thank You for sharing your poignant story, which reminds us that people do not lose their humanity and dignity if they suffer a serious medical condition.<br />
<br />
You are obviously an intelligent, sensitive and creative person, as capable and deserving of love as any other. You are the sort of person I would certainly seek as a friend. I don't know if we are even on the same continent, but thanks to EP, we can be friends anyway! And I hope you can find the real-world happiness you deserve.