It Just Hit Me

I have known for awhile now my husband and I are having problems. We have grown apart, I am lonely in my marriage, I have become unhappy in many ways. There is no passion or intimacy anymore. There is plenty of sex but not the kind that I want. The kind filled with love and intimacy. I know we have problems but I always thought to myself.........I love him very much, its just not enough. For the first time tonight I started wondering if I really do still love him. Tonight we went out and for the first time in forever we didnt fight. We had a good night, everything went fine. It was the first time in forever we have had a really good night like this. While we were out he told me that he was going to have eight days in a row off. A year ago, that would have made me so happy. I would have been excited, all that time to spend with him. This time it filled me with something between panic and disgust. Eight whole days at home with him! It was then I realized that there was more wrong than I realized If I reacted that strongly to him being home. Even if our marriage is doing badly I shouldnt hate being around him that much. When he is home for longer than a day now though, we fight. All the time and horrible fights. So now I dont really like spending time with him. Those feelings started making me take a good long look at other feelings. It was then that I realized, do I really love him? I know I used to. He used to have every ounce of love I could give. Now........I dont know. Once I started examining my feelings other things came into the light. I used to love to tell him "I love you" and now I avoid saying it. I don't know why. The only reason I can think of is that I dont mean it anymore. This makes me sad. It was bad enough being in a marriage that was falling apart but knowing that I loved him made it different, it made me want to try and stick it out or hope it would get fixed, even while preparing to leave. Now, I don't know if it could be fixed ever, because if I don't love him, then there is no point. Its a lot to think about.
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2 Responses Dec 15, 2012

Wow, that's... really sad. I hit a similar moment... but in my case, I still love my wife dearly but know I can no longer trust her and can't still be together with her. Don't let it get you down. Love is immortal. Perhaps things are just too far gone for you to allow it to cloud your judgement any more. Maybe you're not allowing the love to come out, even internally - because things are too far gone. That's okay. When he's a memory you'll remember that you do love him still, and that will be enough. It will warm you back up inside and be alright.

only you know how much your heart can take sweetie.