I Don't Know If I Love My Husband
My husband and I have been married for going on 7 years, and we make great parents. Our children are happy and healthy and well cared for. They are, and have always been my main priority. My husband and I got got married pretty hastily. I was a single mother when I met him trying to finish the last few courses to receive my bachelors degree in biology. I had been a single mother for 5 years. It was very difficult for as my son's father, whom i loved with all my heart, abandoned us as soon as he found out I was pregnant. My parents lived 1000 miles away, and I was alone with a baby at age 20.
My husband is a wonderful man. He has a great job and he works hard. He is a wonderful father and role model for both our children, the first not his biologically, but you'd never know. I admit, I had doubts before we got married, but I knew that this was a good man and that he would be a real father to my 4 yr old son. I had dated so many horrible, irresponsible jerks before meeting my husband. Some guys would date me for awhile and then decide they weren't ready to be a father, and I respected that. I know you can't force anyone into parenthood. Lord knows I tried to convince my son's father that he was missing out, and that he would regret one day the lack of a relationship with his own son. And I felt sorry for him. I thought if he could only see his son the way I did, and feel the immense love I felt for this child, that he'd realize there was nothing more precious in the world. He may never understand that, and it is his loss.
I don't think I have ever truly loved my husband, lord knows I have tried. I have prayed, I have cried... I have pleaded with the Lord to make me love this man, the father of my children. I just don't love him, and I don't know why. The beginning of our marriage was rocky, and I got pregnant almost immediately. We moved to his hometown in the deep south, and I have been like a fish out of water ever since. Everything I am seems to keep me an outcast here. I feel like I moved back in time 40 yrs.
In the beginning money was tight until my husband landed a really good job, but with a very long commute. This put me in the position of house wife, as my husband is rarely here. There is really no way that I can work outside the home, as I would still be in the position of taking care of everything at home and with the children, and still pursue a career of my own. Something would have to give, and the kids would be the ones that would suffer. So I stay home, in a country town with no friends and no family, and no one around me that quite gets me, or where I come from. I am so terribly lonely.
I want to go to gradschool to study poultry diseases. I want to do something outside the home, something important, something that matters. I am very ambitious. I want to be around people that I can talk to about science. My husband and I disagree on just about everything concerning religion and philosophy. And I am fine to let us disagree, but it still puts a wedge between us. I want to be inspired. I am also very artistic, and creative. I write poetry, and stories, and music. I play guitar and write my own songs and draw. I recently switched my medium to paint, and I've sold numerous paintings. There is so much I want to do, and places I want to go, and passions inside me that I am bursting at the seams. My husband as quoted by him just today wishes the world would go back to the 1950's like his grandfathers time. He wishes we could just have a "normal" life where he works hard, and I take care of the kids and the house. That just isn't who I am. And I feel so terribly guilty about it. We just want different things, we are very different people. I can bend all day to try to maintain a lifestyle that makes him happy...but I am not happy. I am tired of fighting, and I am ready to throw in the towel, so today when he asked me for the 50th time if I loved him, i finally said no. I care about him, there is no doubt about that, and I do not hate him. I may have some built up resentment for the ways he has treated me over the years, but I could never hate him. So he said that if I do not love him then there is no reason we should stay married and I agreed. I said that I was willing to stay with him, despite the lack of love on my part. I said I would be faithful, and would continue to take care of our children, as long as we move closer to his job so that I am able to continue gradschool.
Can our marriage work without love? I don't want to put our kids through any kind of dramatic change, because they are doing so well. My first son, already lost his real dad because I got myself pregnant so young... and it isn't his fault that I screwed up again. I try to do what is best for my kids. I try so hard. And people are gonna say things like, well if you don't take care of your needs than you can't be a good parent, but I am a good parent. But will I eventually break? What is truly important? AND WHY DON'T I LOVE MY HUSBAND?? Everything would be so much easier if I could just love my husband.
My husband is a wonderful man. He has a great job and he works hard. He is a wonderful father and role model for both our children, the first not his biologically, but you'd never know. I admit, I had doubts before we got married, but I knew that this was a good man and that he would be a real father to my 4 yr old son. I had dated so many horrible, irresponsible jerks before meeting my husband. Some guys would date me for awhile and then decide they weren't ready to be a father, and I respected that. I know you can't force anyone into parenthood. Lord knows I tried to convince my son's father that he was missing out, and that he would regret one day the lack of a relationship with his own son. And I felt sorry for him. I thought if he could only see his son the way I did, and feel the immense love I felt for this child, that he'd realize there was nothing more precious in the world. He may never understand that, and it is his loss.
I don't think I have ever truly loved my husband, lord knows I have tried. I have prayed, I have cried... I have pleaded with the Lord to make me love this man, the father of my children. I just don't love him, and I don't know why. The beginning of our marriage was rocky, and I got pregnant almost immediately. We moved to his hometown in the deep south, and I have been like a fish out of water ever since. Everything I am seems to keep me an outcast here. I feel like I moved back in time 40 yrs.
In the beginning money was tight until my husband landed a really good job, but with a very long commute. This put me in the position of house wife, as my husband is rarely here. There is really no way that I can work outside the home, as I would still be in the position of taking care of everything at home and with the children, and still pursue a career of my own. Something would have to give, and the kids would be the ones that would suffer. So I stay home, in a country town with no friends and no family, and no one around me that quite gets me, or where I come from. I am so terribly lonely.
I want to go to gradschool to study poultry diseases. I want to do something outside the home, something important, something that matters. I am very ambitious. I want to be around people that I can talk to about science. My husband and I disagree on just about everything concerning religion and philosophy. And I am fine to let us disagree, but it still puts a wedge between us. I want to be inspired. I am also very artistic, and creative. I write poetry, and stories, and music. I play guitar and write my own songs and draw. I recently switched my medium to paint, and I've sold numerous paintings. There is so much I want to do, and places I want to go, and passions inside me that I am bursting at the seams. My husband as quoted by him just today wishes the world would go back to the 1950's like his grandfathers time. He wishes we could just have a "normal" life where he works hard, and I take care of the kids and the house. That just isn't who I am. And I feel so terribly guilty about it. We just want different things, we are very different people. I can bend all day to try to maintain a lifestyle that makes him happy...but I am not happy. I am tired of fighting, and I am ready to throw in the towel, so today when he asked me for the 50th time if I loved him, i finally said no. I care about him, there is no doubt about that, and I do not hate him. I may have some built up resentment for the ways he has treated me over the years, but I could never hate him. So he said that if I do not love him then there is no reason we should stay married and I agreed. I said that I was willing to stay with him, despite the lack of love on my part. I said I would be faithful, and would continue to take care of our children, as long as we move closer to his job so that I am able to continue gradschool.
Can our marriage work without love? I don't want to put our kids through any kind of dramatic change, because they are doing so well. My first son, already lost his real dad because I got myself pregnant so young... and it isn't his fault that I screwed up again. I try to do what is best for my kids. I try so hard. And people are gonna say things like, well if you don't take care of your needs than you can't be a good parent, but I am a good parent. But will I eventually break? What is truly important? AND WHY DON'T I LOVE MY HUSBAND?? Everything would be so much easier if I could just love my husband.
By:
HeMeUs
Age:
31-35
,
Female
