Dont Feel Love For My Wife Anymore!

When we started our relationship the first 2 years were great, then we had a gap where we were buying a flat together and it all changed, she no longer was fun or sexually interested and even when she was interested i was more concerned with getting back at her for being so cold so i showed that i did not need her by refusing it. We are both pretty good people and i know she really loves me but we got married 1 and half years ago after being engaged for 6 years altogether been 9 years all in all. I think i only went through with it because i was excpected to and did not want to face the consequences of cancelling it all.

She now wants children as i do but i am afraid that we will not last and the spark has gone out and will not reignite so how do u have kids without regular sex, she has no idea about pleasing me and even when i try to introduce some fun she cant get out of her routine. She is a great person but a crap partner and i think i love her as a person but not a lover anymore. I feel stuck in a rut and people keep saying i should stick with it but i am not happy but i know this is going to kill her and turn both our lives upside down.

Would really like some advice on this from someone who does not know me or my wife without seeing bloody know it all docters and parents!

 

feelingnolove feelingnolove
31-35, M
7 Responses Mar 9, 2010

It sounds like you have so much anger towards your wife that no matter what you do, it won't work. It has deadened all your feelings for her. And you also got back at her out of resentment. I appreciate your honesty. You don't want to see know-it-all doctors, which also sounds angry. Before having children, or getting a divorce, or staying unhappy and resentful, I would see if you can talk to a counselor and get the anger out. How long have you been feeling this way? If it's been a while and nothing has changed, how are you going to move through it all by yourself? When we're angry we usually can't see the other person's point of view. Your wife might feel resentful towards you as well. I do think that you can move through it but need some outside help. We usually learn our relationships skills from our parents who were human and don't know it all. So now we don't know it all either but can't see what we don't know.

I completely relate to your story "She is a good person, but a crappy partner" - Except I have two young kids and I'm stuck. She told me yesterday that she has no sex drive because I want to have it so much. She's tried hard by giving me a bj almost every other day... but she says that is now causing her resentment. Her not wanting to have sex is a big turn off for me. And if we were dating it would be easy to end it. If we were married without kids, then it would be bit harder - but doable. But I'm married with two kids and don't want to screw that up over sex.

Check out the movie Fire Proof. Follow the example the watch it with her.

Have you told her all of this? She is the first person you should be speaking to, not random people online. Sit down and have an honest conversation with her. Maybe one or both of you are still trying to 'get back at' the other one for some past misdeed. Sounds stupid, but it can happen. Especially when you spend a lot of time with someone and you are both proud people. Find out WHY she feels the way she does and acts the way she does. There may be another reason behind it that is nothing to do with you. This happened to me in my last relationship. I didn't even realise it at first. I hated the fact that my boyfriend was so focused on work that he spent less time with me. So when he DID want to spend time with me I was less interested and 'punished' him (in my head at least) by not wanting sex. In return, he stopped caring and made less effort to win me over as he thought I just had a lower libido or something and because of that I stopepd caring altogether and we just argued all the time and neevr made any effort for the other person. It just spiralled down until we broke up. I didn't realise why until afterwards. We have made up since and we are still friends, although we are both with other people now.

Then do you both a favor and leave instead of wasting yours and her time.

You need to have a serious conversation about your relationship and figure out what you both need to either make or break the relationship. Children will not hold together or make a happy marriage out of one that is struggling to survive also ,it will take work on both your parts to make it better it is not a solo situation. Sorry to hear you are hurting my best wishes .

DON'T have children. This may sound cruel, but you are already in the process of leaving - you just haven't fully accepted this yet. May I suggest you visit the "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" forum and read widely there. You will see that, even if your marriage is not sexless, the differences in libido can be devastating over the long term.