Torn On The Matter.

Marriage isn't exactly something I should be worrying about right now. I'm in my early twenties, and my boyfriend and I both agreed that getting married this young is a bad idea. If things go to plan we should be moving in together next year after what will be two years of long distance. Things are good. I guess it's just a habit of mine, to look so far into the future and worry.

I always thought I'd want marriage one day. I guess I've just thought of it as a rite of passage. I always thought it'd be sweet to be connected to someone like that. I didn't think much about it though other than that I'd want to keep my maiden name and some wedding stuff due to watching tv shows.

My main worry? Kids.

I am childfree and plan on staying that way. I won't go into why as I posted that story in another group.

I'm terrified of being divorced though because my husband suddenly desperately wants to be a father, something he can't have with me. I am scared to give up a huge part of my life to someone to just have it fall apart. I talk about it with every guy I date, my boyfriend insists he's ok with the fact that I don't want children, but I am still paranoid, I've heard stories of guys who have been with girls who don't want children, said it was ok, but secretly were expecting them to change their minds. Sure some women do, I can't be certain I won't, but I sure wouldn't want someone to gamble with me like that. My boyfriend insists he's not expecting that, and perhaps he isn't, but I don't think I could ever 100% trust a man to not change...I know what a hypocrite I sound, I am just too scared of being hurt. Being broken up with would hurt enough, a divorce would hurt even more.

Secondly I have the fact that I am a very private person.

Extremely private, I've had talks with the boyfriend about how when we live together I still will keep my private things private. It's not that I have anything sneaky to hide, I just by nature am private. I need my own space a lot too, else I get stressy and evil. I will always be an autonamous person no matter who I live with, I can't be entirely joined and share everything with someone. Not a single person on the planet knows everything about me and I keep things that way. I love my boyfriend, I am hardly distant or cold towards him, we really enjoy time together, I just think marriage connects people too much for my comfort. I want to keep being independant.

Sure it'd be nice to have a pretty dress and a big celebration, but after just marriage. Marriage itself is what needs to be considered, I just don't know if I'll ever be ready to commit like that. I can see myself being with a partner for a lifetime but still with the option to go, even if I never use that option, just to know I'm not chained. That sounds horrible doesn't it? Well I think my opinions are weird too. All in all my intentions are good, I am just too scared over a lack of control and I just don't think I am marriage material. I am not certain on my view, but I lean towards no right now.

I love, want to be loved, want a lifelong partner, but without a legal contract binding me to him. I need full independant control over my life.

DoktorSchnitzel DoktorSchnitzel
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 30, 2010

My boyfriend and I live in different countries too, luckily they're not too far away. We're moving in together, it'll be ok as I will make *sure* I visit my home country and that people visit my new home, but marriage is not on the cards yet and I am not sure if I'll ever be ready.