Sexuality is confusing

I didn't doubt my sexuality until october of last year, when I had my first boyfriend. We had dated for a month and I was really attracted to him. Talking on the phone one night, he asked me if I was bi sexual. Not being totally naive I had heard rumors that guys found that attractive so naturally I lied ( or at least thought I did ) and said I wasn't sure about my sexuality.

Afterward he asked me if I had ever been attracted to a girl. Seriously considering it, I realized that if I were to consider any girl attractive both emotionally and physically it would be a girl in my ninth grade class ( I am now a junior) one whose name I won't say, who I considered both pretty and funny ^.^. Reflecting back on it, I didn't actually think I was attracted to her, but I do remember thinking she had a really pretty smile and a nice body. So I told him I thought she was pretty and whatnot. No surprise when he asked if I would consider fooling around with her, again not sure, I decided to lie and said maybe. At the time I was sure I was straight. He called me bi-curious.

Eventually he and I broke up but I hold no hard feelings. So that brings me to now. I have always considered myself straight. I didn't think there was a chance I wasn't, I liked guys and that was that right?

But recently I've realized that the idea of fooling around with a girl although not mind blowing doesn't seem so bad, I don't fantasize about girls the way I do about guys but I don't disregard them either. I would love to have a deep meaningful relationship with a guy, yet the idea of a deep meaningful relationship with a girl whom I trust doesn't sound so bad, it almost sounds good. I don't know what to make of these thoughts. Sometimes I'll catch myself thinking something like she has a hot body, or would it be so bad to be attracted to her? I don't know if I'm just instinctively checking girls out to compare myself to them or if it's more than that.

My cousin and uncle, whose a professional dancer, are both openly gay, as a result my family is very accepting of different sexualities. I have no doubt my family would openly accept me, but I have never given any outward signs of liking my same sex. My cousin for example was pretty obvious about that since he was very young and my uncle was also. I on the other hand although no where near a girly girl have never been masculine, and since there is not lezbian or bisexual female in my family I have no one to ask about these things.

Today for example it came to a head when I was looking for a bathing suit online and found myself maybe not aroused but definetly hotter after looking at so many girls in bikinis. I dont think thats happened before, but how can I be sure. I wish there was a way to know for sure... for now I'm just trying to figure this out...

ttauri ttauri
18-21, F
9 Responses Mar 14, 2009

it's good ur in a supportive family, it makes who u are a little clearer cause u got the freedom to question urself. of course that alone doesn't give u the answer, u still have alot of hard work to do to keep getting a better understanding of who u are. i think it's very healthy ur questioning ur sexuality, it means ur not standing by accepting everything that's thrown ur way, u wanna examine things deeper. it's a very mature attitude. i think ur looking for the freedom to be able to date a girl which itself is not a bad thing to know u can do. i think alot of my own bicuriosity is driven by that desire for that kinda freedom. in fact sexuality is pretty complicated as ur probably very aware, u can absolutely fall for some1 of 1 sex but still appreciate the sexuality of some1 of the other sex. doesn't mean u wanna go as far with 1 sex as the other but totally doesn't mean it's wrong if u do. so when u were looking @ those girls in bathing suits, it was definately having an affect on u. is that wrong? certainly not as i'm sure u agree. does that mean u would be open to having sex with 1 of them? i don't know & u might not be so sure either. but that's ok, ur meant to go out & find things out in life. i think u should be open to meeting the right girl & see how far things go. no harm in that & if ur in that kinda situation things will be clearer for u. just let things kinda happen & don't do nething ur not comfortable with. if something feels right u will know it, if it doesn't u will know it too. maybe ur confusing sexual feelings for admiration or jealosy, or maybe vice versa. i think exploring things with the right girl will give u some answers.

and yeah most guys do like the thought of girls being bi. so make sure whatever u do, whatever direction u go u do it for urself & no1 else. well maybe the girl if that's the direction u go lol. i kinda think u should of asked the same question of ur bf @ the time. he asked u so it would be fair if u asked him too, don't u think?

kinsey scale , is all that i need to say.

I know almost exactly how you're feeling and what you're going through! I've always been attracted to guys but now I'm attracted to girls too and I can easily see myself having a relationship with a girl. You're story's really helped me, so thanks! :)

I can relate to this a couple of ways. When I was little I always wanted to be a boy and I 'got married' to a girl in my pre-K class and I was really a pretty big tomboy until around 5th or 6th grade when I started to get a lot more girly. I've never been physically attracted to girls, always boys. But i have wondered what a relationship with a girl would be like... is that bad? :

hey good post, im having the same problem, except the opposite, im a guy :S

Thank you guys for your comments, having someone else's perspectives and opinions always helps as it puts things in perspective. <br />
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Thank you guys so much for taking the time to express ur opinions. I wrote this to express myself and am happy to know that in doing so was able to recieve great feedback. ^.^ thanx a bunch

Thank you guys for your comments, having someone else's perspectives and opinions always helps as it puts things in perspective. <br />
<br />
Thank you guys so much for taking the time to express ur opinions. I wrote this to express myself and am happy to know that in doing so was able to recieve great feedback. ^.^ thanx a bunch

You know, one way to define the state you're in right now - but only IF it'll make you feel better to define it, may be to say to yourself "Perhaps I'm what they call "Questing/questioning", which is really the short form for the things you wrote here.<br />
To me it sounds like there are a few more complex things than merely new sexual attractions going on, but these are just comments from the peanut gallery. For instance:<br />
You come from an open minded family...(ps: Good for you AND them! That's such a blessing, isn't it? If you were bisexual, it would make life 100 times easier, right?)..but maybe because of their open-mindedness, which you're both exposed to and have likely inherited - all _very_ good things - you're more willing to be philisophical (instead of, say, reactionary or alarmist when wondering about your own sexuality!) - and power to you for it! But I find I'm kinda like that too, and just for the sake of knowing you're making the right decisions and giving yourself all the room you need to devote to a question of such depth, maybe that good quality may make you more eager to just cleanly label yourself and get it over with, if only to know yourself better...it sounded like you and your family are a philosophical and psychology/analysis/logic-driven bunch, is all I mean, which I can relate to.<br />
But the other factor that may be a bit unfair to you is how accomodating you seem to have been, out of earnest love, to your boyfriend, to let him in to your world, even though, perhaps - maybe I'm wrong - you may have felt a slight worry here and there that "maybe these questions are kind of exploitative of me?"...but, being tolerant, you went along, and though unafraid to examine your self, he was the one who opened this can of worms *now* - even if just at an earlier time than when this question would have eventually taken priority in your mind?<br />
I dunno ;-) That's the impression I got from the first half of your letter.<br />
So, to THAT half, I'd say just remember to make sure you're not being too giving of your private mental turf with someone who may not give back in kind - and don't let others define you or drag you in to something before you're ready.<br />
This opinion of mine ISN'T meant to patronize nor is it based on the "you're young/you have lots of time" mantra, but rather, I've met similar men, and those men too "got something" out of hearing my self-questioning. ;-) <br />
So, whatever the truth is about your identity in the end, it's _yours_, so be generous with yourSELF, and not TOO generous with them, I'd say! ;-)

I couldn't agree more. I've thought of girls for a while in that "way", and I wouldn't mind having a relationship with one one day. I think for me,though,I don't want to slap a label on something right yet and say that I'm bi. I think as long as if you want to experience it first without hurt feelings then it's okay. <br />
It would be easier to read about somebody feeling the same way you are feeling. So in a way I should thank you,haha,for posting this.