I Don't Know If My Story Is Domestic Violence And Need Advice


Hello.... im a female and i'm 20 years old.... i met my 23 yr old b0yfriend in july 2008 and i m0ved in with him in january 2009. i g0t pregnant within 2 m0nths 0f living with him. i was never SO HAPPY. all ive ever wanted in life was a family 0f my very 0wn. he treated me so nice and always expressed his love. at times we would disagree but we would make up within a kouple of hours. i trusted him. he was my world and i finally thought i had my soulmate and was sooo happy that i FINALLY had someone who was willing to be faithful to me. he was never the type to just stay home though. he would go out every other weekend to bars and would always be out and about. he has dealt with being homeless and was only accepted by his parents SOME of da time-- so i guess dat is why he is so comfortable with the "street life". alth0ugh he has told me i was the best thing dat ever happened to him and how he was happy i was going to have his son. i told him dat i will allow him to go out wenever he felt during my pregnancy because when the baby would be born he would need to spend his time at home. he agreed. after i had the baby (december 16th 2009) ; he never st0pped g0ing 0ut 0n weekends. that triggered ALOT of arguements to the point that i didnt know what to do anymore. i tried to stand in front 0f da do0r and he would grab me and pull me away taking advantage of his strength and leave anyway. me being blinded i would end up forgiving him the next day. we began to ALWAYS have altercations that would end up in us yelling at each0ther; me crying, and him kalling me many horrible names that didnt describe even close to the person i really was. (b*tch; hoe; stupid; idiot). he began to take advantage of the extreme love i had for him as if he KNEW i was never going to leave. since then we've been in many altercations where he's smacked me, or would spank my back or legs so hard he'd leave a handprint. he NEVER punched me though. It then got to da point where i would threaten my life just so he would kome home a little early or not go out.(im not suicidal) but not even that helped. i still although would give him love and take care of him and cook and clean and watch da baby and did everything i had to do and i was ALWAYS faithful to da point where i never spoke to or had any guy friends. which is ok with me. i sto0d with him because he was FAITHFUL and dats something ive always LONGED for in a man. but i then started getting suspision of him cheating (MY WORST FEAR) .... s0 in da beginning of june 2010--i finally to0k his phone one night and went thru the text messages and seen that he was talking to another girl who went to his same college. my heart SHATTERED. i felt so much hurt and pain. i felt so self-conscious. i woke him up and confronted him and a fight began. i forgave him again because he promised me he wouldnt do it again. the next day i was looking out the window (the college was right in front of my building) and seen her hand him a coffee and he still was associating with her! i finally saw the advantage he was taking out of me so i left to live with my sister and he comes to see the baby every weekend. (because aside from all dis madness- HE LOVES HIS SON UNCONDITIONALLY AND IS A GREATTT DAD) ...so we were then trying to work out what was left in our relationship for the month of july 2010. i was still at my sisters and i wanted 2 believe everything sweet he was telling me but i refused to b the dummie again. so just last monday b4 i left back to my sisters house after spending the weekend with him and our son; i went thru his phone while he was in the shower. he was talking to the SAME girl and put her under a name "blah blah's cousin" .... (i remembered her number) s0 i automatically KNEW. and the messages were her telling him dat she needs "time" and all this other stuff about her "feelings".... i felt so hurt again but i realized that i had no need to kry because it was expected. i shed a couple of tears and then told him I AM DONE! ... he saw the confidence this time in me and knew i would leave him for good. he then began to lose his mind and hovered over me to hold me down and told me "LISTEN TO ME !! U NEED TO LET ME EXPLAIN!!!" but i told him "NO!!" ....he then began saying "LISTEN TO ME!!! UR NOT GOING ANYWHERE!! IF I KANT HAVE U THEN NO BODY KAN HAVE U! U HEAR ME!!?? BECAUSE IF I FIND ANOTHER GUY IM GUNNA BREAK HIS EVERY BONE!!!" he then continued to see how i didnt care and i continued to push him away -- and then he started making a whole show and telling me he was going to kill himself. he grabbed one of his ties from his suit and was "choking himself". and i put it in quotations because i analyzed what he was doing. he would tighten da tie around his neck when i would look and ONLY when i would look ...until i finally grabbed the tie off him and smacked him across the face and told him to knock some sense into himself. after all the madness; he began to sit down like a normal person and tell me that he wants me and only me and how hes so sorry and how he wants to go get some help because he doesnt want to lose his family. i dont know what to do anymore. i told him i cant b with him and i need time to focus on me and our son. i told him when he decides to make actual changes instead of feeding me these fairy tale endings that will never happen; then maybe ill speak to him again. but he IS the father of my son. so i do HAVE to associate with him at some times. he truly is an awesome dad tho. he takes care of the baby and gets his every need and he reads him children books so i will never take my son out of his life. but im just not sure if i should completely take him out of mine. please respond. im still kind of young and i need opinions on what to do.... i never told any one my story and this JUST recently happened. thank u so much !

-k0nfused :(
K0nfused K0nfused
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 21, 2010

This is how it starts, then it escalates to him beating you an then possibly the kid. This is never okay, violence is not the answer. Please get help an leave his sorry *** your kid will learn the same things from him if you don't an the cycle will continue. Get help

Slapping, spanking, grabbing, yelling (calling names,) forcing you to stay, is all abuse - physical and emotional. Punching is not a requirement for abuse: ANY actions that are violent, coercive, unwanted, belittling, etc. are abusive. The relationship is toxic, bringing out the worst in you and him. Perhaps you have to stay in some sort of contact with him because you have a child together (I don't know the legal requirements of this sort of situation). Though, if he is willing to be abusive toward you, is it not possible he would be abusive toward the child? <br />
I am not an expert and I don't know you or your situation really (your story is long but can't tell the WHOLE story) - but, I would say it sounds like your relationship is over and has been for a while and both of you are holding on to each other because of fear of loss, a misguided need to fulfill some sort of moral imperative toward each other, or "simply" because you don't know what else to do. You can try getting professional relationship help, but since you are being physically abused I would say: get as far away from him as possible. If you have to keep him in your child's life, so be it, but he shouldn't be in yours any more. He clearly wants something else in his life - but he has an obligation (legal or otherwise) to contribute to taking care of the child, even if its only sending you money to help support the kid. <br />
Though it is certainly over shadowed by what he is doing to you: telling him he can't go out, blocking the door, and smacking him (even though he is being an idiot), threatening his actions with your life, is abusive toward him. Just something to keep in mind. Leave yourself blameless in the situation. I am NOT saying that what he is doing is o.k., or that you are somehow worse than him, or as bad as him, or anything like that. Just realize that your actions contribute to the picture that things are wrong between the two of you.....<br />
Your story is domestic violence. Never let ANYONE hurt you in ANY way - whether it be with words or actions. Your life could be in danger. If you can't make yourself leave him, get professional help.<br />
<br />
p.s. cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, if he cheated on you, you should leave him - in my humble opinion.

please; i know it's a long story; but i just try to put many details so whoever reads can fully understand the situation. please leave comments ! :(