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I Know The Father, It Is Me... But, Does My Daughter Know Me?

I know this is about people who do not know their Father. But, I am a Father who lost his dauther...sort of.

My ex divorced me because I have a severe anxiety disorder, coupled with depression... to a point that I am on SSDI. I had no idea I actually had it. I just was nervous all the time throughout my life. But, I had stanima... and that stanima found me a beautiful wife and something I always wanted so bad.

A daughter.

I had a ssister 13 years older than me, and becasue of the dominating and abusive nature of my mother, she left, got married, then devorced right away and lived on her own...and stayed away me and my parents as much as she could. Ahe had a child...a boy...9 years younger than me...and becasue of fenances, my mother baby sat him...

He was my brother (technically my nephew) and we had a great time together and love each other like two brothers ever could. But, my sister was gone... ripped away from me... becasue of family problems... 18 years old and gone... leaving her baby 5 year old brother alone in hell...

So, when I got married? There was a child I would liked to have had... and I was hoping and praying for daughter! My sister left me in dust! I lost her! Deep inside of me, now that I was married, I really wanted to have a daughter. I wanted her to grow up with me. I wanted to see everything. I wanted to be a part of her life. I wanted to see her grow. I wanted her to be a handful. I wanted to see something that all my friends said I should never see. My daughter be a teen-ager! ...and, I couldn't wait! Especially the moody teen part...the sparing and comprimises and seeing her try to go from 13 to 35 in just one day!

You have to understand. Ever since I started liking girls, things changed for me. Before that time, my best friend was a girl who could climb trees better than I could. 13 years old... my most dependable playmate was starting to like guys and she was gone. I liked girls... yet, what do you do, touch them or see how high they can climb a tree? Girl's were special...and my best friend took the spot as my impromptu sister...not living with me... but still... like a sister.

There were so many things I wanted to do, when I could finally have a daughter of my own. I would always be there for her. There would be no way on earth that she and I would not have a loving relationship. When she was little, we would play together, when she became a moody teen, I would be right there to help her figure out what to do in all situations... even sex... and, I would make sure she could, "flap her wings," which meant risk! Yes, risk!! Risking your daughter to come up with the right decisions, and if not, picking her up and getting her back up on her feet! Somethings she must do hereself and a father watches...and rescues... becasue how would she be able to take on this complicated world if she can't do it herself? Right?

So, when I got married... and it was time for my ex to give birth? A baby girl came out. I can not descibe my happiness. Her mom was so exhausted from giving birth, becasue it was a difficult pregnance that she couldn't even hold the girl, as she was put on her mother...crying.

This cry... I have have no idea how to explain it? I knew that cry the moment she came out the birth canal. I swear I could have found 100 babies and pin-pointed my daughter... easily. For everytime she ever cried thereafter, I knew that cry! I KNEW IT!

She was placed on her mom... my wife couldn't even hold her she was so exhausteds...so she cried... and then she was cleaned up and stabbed for a blood test...and she cried bloody murder. She was not happy. Understatement. Until she was put in towels and blankets which seemed to make quiet a little as her eyes looked back and forth trying to figure out what was happening now...

She was placed in my arms. And, I held her. Instant...silence!

Her little face didn't know if she chould cry again or explore the surroundings of this new world she did not like. Until, I said her name. "Vicky!" Her little face just stopped. The crying indicision stopped... and she peered into my face.

"Vicky."

She looked up at me in total wonder. I am not kidding. wonder and her eyes dialated to see me...

And, that's when it happened. A connection. A father/daughter connection. It was like she was thinking, "I have heard you... and I think I know you. I must be safe so... I think I will just keep looking at this nice face... becasuse I am OK, now... I was nice and comfortable in my Mom's womb, but I know you and it's OK now...

From then on, I burped her, changed her diaper, fed her, and most of all...tried to put her down to go to sleep. Yet, she was just like me! "I do not want to sleep because everything is interesting to me...and sleep is an inconvienence... why do we sleep anyways? Stupid thing that we do... I could be learning something , like astro-pyshics..." So, I'd try to put her down in her crib... and she would not do that. So, she found a nice confortable spot she found much more to her liking. Curled up on my shoulder when I would lie down on the couch... fast asleep. Then, wake up...and tackle Bio-chemisty...

3 years old. I got my first Cam-corder...Sony...great one... 500 bucks and I am filming her... and she looks at the camera and puts her little finger to her cheeks and gives a classic pose... of , "Now, I am a princess!" What, how can she do that? How does know that? Coming home... the front door opens becasue mom is bringing stuff in the door...and, Vicky runs.. and, like marathon runner hurdles all obsticles to see me... and jumps in the air to land on top of me!

7 years old. My anxiety disorder got worse. My ex found another man...had a child...another girl...named Lisa... a divorce happened... and we no longer together. The last time I remember us together for visitaion was when she bought a toy horse she really wanted... I have that picture... it's sweet and hurts...

My anxiety disorder created a problem... the amount I could receive because of the income my other jobs had was so low that I could no longer live there... so 12 years ago, I had to move... far away... to a place where the housing was lower than Chicago...160 miles away... and my daughter and I are seperated...

Vicky lives with a new family... Lisa...who I have no idea who she really is except for Vicky telling me she keeps following her around... and I feel for this little innocent girl who is trying to be like me daughter... following her every step... trying to be like her. Vicky was always complaining... but, I could read between the lines... LIsa needed Vicky. Then two more children with this new husband... Nathan and Ben... A foursome. A family. And, if I fought for my daughter? What could I provide? Poverty? No complete family?

Vicky still has my last name... probably because my ex wants my 1/3 SSDI payments for Vicky...which I do not mind paying at all... IT'S GOING TO MY DAUGHTER, but that's 1/3 of my income...which makes me in a bind...

But, there was something I heard my ex say when we were married. If someone really wanted to see you they would make a way... yeah right! When I am left with hardly anything because of a problem that was part of a vow, from "sickness and in health?" I live in the country... To take a bus means...(no trains here) changing in Chicago, going back to the outskirts... finding a motel... taxies... finding another bus or train... to Chicago... to take a bus again 160 miles back... no trains stop where I am. And, the cost? half what I make in a month...?

My car is a second hand beater with the reliability of nothing... so... even though I would love to see my daughter? How do I? I just make enough to put food on my own table... surviving on poverty... which makes me stranded 160 miles away... paycheck to paycheck...and my ex-doesn't care.

I have lost many years of what I had so hoped to see 7years to 20 years. we communicate on the computer. We hardly know each other. But, we communicate... and I call her every Christmas and Birthday... and, yet, she does not call her step father, Dad. She calles me, "Dad." Like clockwork, we talk. And, I hope one day we will be runited and can catch up on everything I lost. Becasue she really is the only thing left that is worth living for.

I know some of you have no Dad or have one and he doesn't care about you. To me? I do not understand that? One thing I do know, that there is father figures all around you. This does not take the place of the real thing, but if you can find a man who really cares about you? Study him... see him... learn from him...

Because, even with my knowledge of bad guys out there and the warnings I would give about strangers, I would do my utmost best to help a little girl out... if lost... or I was dating a woman who had a child... that person will see an adult guy...and it is my duty as a father myself to be as fatherly as I could ever be... because it is so important. It is important for someone to represent the BEST guy/father as possible...
Sparrowhawk1161 Sparrowhawk1161 51-55, M 1 Response Apr 18, 2012

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Sorry I'm so late getting to this story. Yes, I feel it's a shame that so many men out there unwilling to be fathers. My ex was one of the deadbeat dads you hear about, but....every time I could, I made sure to take my children to see their father. Not for HIS sake, but for theirs. It's so wrong to use a child as a weapon against a parent he/she loves. It's really child abuse. I hope you get your reunion!!!!!