Confused

I am not quite sure what I am going to get out of this but I guess I am looking for someone who has been there and may be able to give me some helpful advice.  All of my family and friends know their father and I really feel like I do not have anyone to relate to.  I have never met my father.  I have met his mother, and all 4 of his brothers and their wives and family.  They gave me the advice to write me father a letter to let him know I am interested in a relationship. He left my mom when she was two months pregnant with me.  When my mom filed for child support he claimed I wasn't his and said my mom, "slept around."  I knew he didn't want to be in my life, but I had the hope that if I contacted him, he would be open to a relationship.  Of course when i wrote him a letter in october, he sent back the letter and all the pictures i sent with it.  I knew this was going to be the response I was going to get, but I am still suffering with the thought that I was rejected by the one man in my life who is suppose to love me forever.  Any suggestions to overcome the dull emotional pain?

tricolored tricolored
22-25
2 Responses Mar 11, 2010

Dear Tricolored, When I signed up just now, your title "confused" jumped out at me because that's just how I feel. I recently found out that I don't know who my father is. My mother divorced the man I thought was my father when I was 3. It turns out she knew he might not be my father- but left me to live with him anyway, even when she knew he was abusive! It helped me understand why the man I thought was my father was so abusive toward me, but I feel so isolated and alone and confused by everything and everyone. I felt like this was the biggest thing I have ever faced and it affected me in so many ways, but no one could really understand what I am going through. My mom went right into playing the victim and won't tell me the truth- probably because I will find out that she did some pretty devious things that she doesn't want me to know about, starting with the truth about why they got divorced and possibly going after my real father for money. She was never worried about me or how her actions affected my life. It sounds like you are young and you have a mom that was there for you. Not only that, your "fathers" family has embraced you to some extent. I think that's really wonderful. I have had some wonderful, kind people carry me along in my life and I appreciate them a lot. But I am 47 years old and I can tell you that I have NEVER felt wanted the way a girl feels when she has her fathers love. I know because my daughter has that love from her father and I have seen what it looks like. Marrying a good man that I love and who wanted and loves his daughter is the single most healing thing for me in my entire life. I waited till I was 28 to have a child, and I knew I was with a man that wanted children desperately before I had her. Knowing I didn't do to another child what was done to me made a HUGE difference in helping me sort it all out. I think it's always going to be hard... The hole in your heart where your father belongs is never going to be filled by anything else. But that's OK. You can still have the experience of knowing a Father by giving one to your own children. Pick a good one!!! Don't get into a hurry to have kids with a ***** donor and repeat the past with your own children. I hope that gives you something to think about. It helped me to share with you, so thank you for being here.

I am so sorry.Im in my early 50s and am still trying to find something of my father-who Im sure has died by now-and his family.Its just plain mean that your father sent back your letter and photos-but who knows whats going on with him. Issues of his own?! Perhaps the only thing you can easily do now is to send one more note-Id send a post card,so that he would really have to take a look at it-and just let him know that youre still interested in a friendship someday.If it happens that nothing comes of it-perhaps just as well.If hes so uninterested -for what ever reason-in meeting you,perhaps its one of those truly tough instances thaat its just not worth trying to pursue. At least youll have really tried. All else you can do is to find friends who can be something of family to you . Good luck . Were you my kid-Id be happy to have you back in my life . John