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I Just Don't Know What To Do Anymore...

For a long while now, I have had one passion and that was to write. Honest to goodness, that was the only thing I ever really cared and has prevented me from killing myself (not that I am suicidal, but there are some things that you can't face) ((killing myself in the sense, maybe running my car off the road, I'm not into shooting or hanging myself)). But for some time now, during University, my Graduate Program and afterward, it has all become such a waste. I really feel like I have wasted over 4 years of my life because of one piece of advice that has seemed true. When I was young a family friend said, "Don't ever make your passion your job because it will start becoming something you hate doing" and I don't want to hate writing because it is a part of who I am. So for my Major I took the second thing on my list, Digital Art and for my Masters Education in Media and Design. And granted I did great in both but being out of college job searching, there just isn't anyone hiring, for over four months, I have filled out dozens (prolly hundreds) of job applications and handed out about just as many resumes/business cards. With just a couple of emails stating "thank you for your interest" and only one that defined their problem with me I have nothing to show for it. As much as I keep doing side projects, very little freelance and continued education I can't get hired and I just don't know anymore. I really thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought I could predict something, it really felt right and I was good at doing it and I found myself in a dark tunnel with a light at the end, which only lead me further into darkness. I can't believe how messed up things have become and I want so much to thing about how things would be differently, but I can't because its in the past and I can't change it. My varied slight optimism dwindles less and less and the waiting to find my place? Surely, this can't be right. I keep, wishing, hoping and putting myself out there as best as I can, but the world demands more from me before they will give me a chance or get my foot in the door. I have been doing projects (volunteer mostly, freelance, tutoring) to stay a float and build my resume, but haven't I paid my dues yet? Aren't I worth a damn?!? They preach and preach about how getting a good education and getting good grades will be great for you, but its not... This stupid economy has ruined whatever nation this is, America pfft. And I am not turning this into some nationalist thing, I'm just saying that the economy isn't helping me and I wonder even if we weren't in a recession would my chances be better at getting a job? Time and time again I am complemented on my writing skills and my analyzation skills but apparently that isn't worth anything these days and writers can survive in this world, not unless they are putting out 4 books a month (most of which in the romance section), which is not how I operate. I take the time, careful planning to produce a great story with well-developed characters and emotion (the only thing I am really missing are the endings, that I have I just don't get to writing them due to me doing all these other projects) ((and subconsciously I have made a promise to not kill myself until I have finished writing a book)) I am dedicated, I am hard-working and I am passionate but apparently that's not enough anymore and I am sick of not knowing what to do anymore. Giving up is stupid and ridiculous I know but what can I do anymore? I just can't keep this waiting, but its just so frustrating and I re-phrase that because I am not just waiting, I am doing what I need to to get out there and improve myself, but over four months! This is ridiculous. Thank you for taking the time to read this semi-rant, if you want please read my other stories to get a better picture of the puzzle that is my life to understand where I am coming from. If you have any ideas on what to do please comment, thank you again.
bluebarker bluebarker 18-21, M 1 Response Jun 15, 2012

Your Response


Hey man, it's been a long time since I spoke to you.<br />
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What I am about to say is not a comparison to make you feel bad, quite the opposite it's in hopes to motivate you. <br />
I am 28, still I have no degree yet I've worked my way up to a very good paying job that asks for one. at 18 years old I was welder for a production company (not what I wanted), I then worked for fast food, I did technical support for Dell, I became a tree trimmer for a company, I ran my own little business for a bit, ended up working for the Navy, finally I have my current job which is better then the previous ones combined. <br />
Here is the point to what I just said, most all those jobs were not anything close to what I wish to be. However, they did get me closer to where I wanted to be because of the skills and people I met on my way. It's alright to practice humility and take the job which does not match your complete interest, it's actually a commendable deed. Good companies like to see a person do what it takes to achieve even if it means working fast food for a time. <br />
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Another thing about life when I comes to taking your self places, you don't ask, you tell. I don't ask if I can work for anyone, I just tell them I am ready now to start my job with them, just need a date. Why do I tell them instead of ask? First asking gives an option, I take options off the table. Second, it lets them know I am there for them and not just for the job's pay.<br />
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A degree means very little if you are insecure in your own heart, you need to dig into your self and heal those insecurities. Many people get papers but the one thing they are not taught is how to use them. The thought is "degree = job" which is far from the truth. A degree equals added knowledge to the mind, you have to show that knowledge, saying you have it does nothing. <br />
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In the artistic world, short of music, people are bedazzled by what they see so your actions are everything. From the moment you walk into a place to fill out an application your every action is being scrutinised. They way you are walking, your body language, the confidence you exude, all that stuff. <br />
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I know you love to write but here is an even larger questions to ask yourself. What you are and what you love are two different things. What are you? <br />
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Example of what I mean: I love music, I love computers, I love to draw, this list is rather long but. What am is an analyst, I have the unique ability to see how something works like my mind already has the blueprints. Normally the better option is to pursue what you are more than what you love because that is where you'll shine.<br />
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I've never been without a very good income through this entire economic collapse, I have no degree and for that matter not even a diploma so why then was I able to achieve this? I am a white guy, so it's not a minority thing. I have a small social circle and my parents are poor (no mom and dad assistance). So if it's not a paper, not someone I know, and I am not a minority, and I am gay, so how then did I manage to always have a good paying job when things are against me? My friend luck has nothing to do with it, I just tell people what I want, I don't ask, this is one of my strongest methods. <br />
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Asking means insecure, telling means confident. Think about it let's try it: "I want to see if you have a position open and if you can place me in that position?" In this quote the person has an option and can tell you are unsure of yourself. Now let's try this: "I see your company does this task, I want to get started with your company as this is a task I wish to perform, lets make a path I am ready to go!". in this quote your are fired up and ready, your are confident in your skill and readiness to perform the task. <br />
Now do you see what I mean about asking VS telling? In the second quote you did not even ask if the position was open, you just said their company was important and you are something they need. You placed the thought in their mind you are they person that will get **** done. When they say yes then you have to be ready to complete your end of the bargain, you actually need to work head strong on that task and be everything you sold. If you don't you become a lire and become untrustworthy, you don't want that on your resume. <br />
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I hope this spawns some ideas in you.

Additional thought: Every employer has two stacks of applications. One stack is from the people looking for a paycheck, this stack is very tall. The second stack is from people actually wanting to work FOR them, this stack is sometimes only one paper tall. Which stack do you think is most likely to get you the job? Getting a job is a physiological game, if it was not than idiots who don't belong in the position they have would not be in those positions.