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Age Hasn't Provided Much Clarity Of What To Do, Only What Not To Do....sigh.

Fell into my line of work accidentally - traded in dreams for a steady paycheck. Thirty years later I want to do something that I love, and make money at it. Unfortunately it's not looking promising. I am just on autopilot, going through the motions in two week increments. Work/pay bills. Repeat. I suppose it's not so bleak as I do take a chance and just blow a check on a roadtrip here and there.

Last roadtrip was to do some photography at the Salton Sea, the sea that was born by accident and is now dying. It's about three hours south of Los Angeles. Only the hardscrabble desert rats are surviving there. Looks like a ghost town - ruins from a failed 60's attempt to make this accidental sea into a resort destination.

Ate at the one cafe in town - Ski Inn. Anthony Bourdain even visited there once, just because it's so bizarre.

Visiting this outpost that is all but forgotten by others caught up in the daily grind gave me a new perspective and reinforced my experience that somehow people can survive on just about nothing.

When I lost my job in 2008 and was jobless/homeless for a full year it was devastating. But today I am sitting in a relatively comfortable room, watching netflix off and on, using wifi, and have started dinner from a couple of choices that were in the freezer. Leaps and bounds of betterment from 2008 - but still just hanging on by a thread. I work with many affluent (like extremely affluent) people. I can't imagine being able to have the freedom that money brings, not to buy expensive items but to use it for life experiences including helping others.

I am so tired of measuring out remaining money to make sure I have enough gas in the car to get to work, and provide meals for myself and two kids. I just would like to have enough cash in the bank that these daily matters are not so thought consuming.

To get back to the story part of this - I don't want to trade in my semi-better social existence for living in a remote area for a fraction of the cost.

I am getting older, I can't keep up this pace. I am tired. I want to enjoy life. I don't know what to do with myself. At all.

iskabibble iskabibble 51-55, F Mar 17, 2012

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