Why Life?

Who knew life will be such a *****, why aren’t we told young how to stay alive in today’s society. Why do we love only have it bite us right back in the ***. Those who say were always happy enjoy it while it last it will hurt when it ends. Don’t think I haven’t enjoyed my life I have lived few know my accomplishments other then my wife and kids. Even they are my greatest and best things I’ve done also the most painful ones I will ever do. Bring such beautiful children into this ****** up world we live in and all of us have created it this way. So I wonder about all these questions I ask myself all about why we are not informed or prepared for while we are all children? Do you know why I have a good idea of why.
Being a parent myself at such a young age I come to see why we don’t prepare our children for the truth about the way the world really is, and this is what leads to murders and suicides in our society. We try our best to protract our young ones from everything that can harm them and in doing so I set them up for this ****** awakening when they grow up. I was always taught to keep to myself don’t let your guard down it leads to pain. Pain is weakness, weakness leads to failure, and failure leads to death. I saw this first handed with my older brother he let his guard down for a female and that caused him to have a weakness, which caused him death, the details don’t matter to you but watch who you let into you there always end up being a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I write this and think of while up late night over and over why my life is what it is. I don’t regret anything I have done except let my hart get the best of me. This has been the best thing that has happen to me but also the hardest thing to do and the most painful thing I’ve done. Always wondering what is she doing do her words really mean what they say or are they just there. Always worried about losing that one person who managed you get into your heart and soul. Often I start fights due to the fact that’s what I know from growing up in that child hood. They get longer and harder every time it happens and more I wonder when it will end. Do I find help in drugs, drinking, or reckless actions what is the best way to help me deal with this? Drugs haven’t work the ones I’ve done drinking, work reckless behavior hasn’t worked just caused more issues what next what will finely help… Death? Maybe that’s the way out of this pain and nightmare but it will end the best thing I’ve done and could ever do. What is there in this world to help solve these issues? Seeing what happens when death gets the best of us and makes us leave the little angels alone in life without help. What will become of them? You’ll never know what is to become of them when you let life get the best of you. Are they really the ones to pay for your mistakes in life? Sure your pain will be gone but the one you created will start to see the way pain works at such a young age and who know if they will end up next to you. Is that some thing you can really rest with in your mind many say you live on in them you are reborn or your soul gets judged for your actions no one know what becomes of you when you’re dead, only that you live n in your children and family life and memories. Can you stand the thought you might be the reason your child takes your way out if you decide to take the easy way out. Maybe you don’t have kids or family? Remember you might not know someone might care about you that person might be too scared to tell you that you do matter there is always someone for everyone… just give everyone a try if you don’t have that one person who loves you and if you do have them hopefully they really love you the way they say. It’s harder for men to love but when they love it’s just as much if not more and that’s why it might seem they are being over protective but understand we love harder than females. We also hold anger a lot longer than you. Just know it’s not always your fault but someone in the past that still has us angry. Those feeling are not easily removed. Our love for you will not changed but we are what happens to us so if we know failure or pain too well that’s what defines us . It’s not going to change soon or easily, prove your love and stand by us we will come around eventually. Hopefully your still there with us. Just remember I love you and always will you are the one I chose and you chose me sorry for the pain but that’s all I know is how to hurt and suffer. We all changed over time your changes are just more apparent to me because it’s easier to see yours instead of mine and better to blame your changes instead of mine. You are the rezone I’m still here don’t forget that no matter what happens that will be the day life has proven its stronger than a man’s will to stay around. Why did I let you into my heart and soul I ask myself today???
Maybe it the fact you made me feel something I have felt in a long time. Maybe it’s your beauty. Or your ******, his way you made me feel I was loved that someone did care about. No it’s not that … it was that you made me a better me you really did care about me and not just interested in what I can do for you or your family it was what you did to me. How treaded my children how you tried to befriend my family, my friends and my ideas. These just so few of the reasons why I let my guard down and let you into my soul and my heart. Pease I beg of you don’t make me regret my feeling toward you they will never change and always will be there no matter what happens you will always be the one I love and always will love. But of course you’ll take this the wrong way and start another fight but what should I do. Other than try to make you see how I see things. A man that can’t provide everything his kids want things his wife deserves. Not much of a man at all if you can’t support your family what kind of life are they going to have is all I can think of all night as I toss and turn lying there awake thinking why my life is so cursed while being blessed with this family. Why can’t I do the simplest things to support my family? Why, why, and why agine this why I’m not happy with my life but it’s all my fault no one else’s only if I wasn’t or didn’t …… there is much that can proceed this but nothing will except sorry for the life I gave you and will give you hopefully it gets better for our children sake and mine . It hurts to see they don’t have what they want and need. They toys they like the cloths they want new stuff why this is so hard to live with. Who can I talk to who can me show weakness to? I can’t be you my family I won’t talk to strangers who will be able to show weakness …..There is no one I can do this with the few I talked to for help are gone and why ….. no matter what I try it fails it’s hard to stay optimistic when life is failing me when your failing me that’s the hardest thing to imagine without you or my kids you guys are my heart beat and soul I am nothing without those in my life . This thing is the only thing I can show my weakness to due to it can’t judge me or reject me how pathetic is that..
am00 am00
22-25, M
Dec 5, 2012