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Indifference Can Sometimes Hurt People, But Can You Really Blame Someone Who Doesnt Even Know They Are Hurting You?

Its weird. Its hard to even try and explain this story because i dont know how, hah ironic isnt it? What can I say? I feel like i never know whats going on with me or around me, but I think should. I feel like everyone is awake and im in some kind of weird dream world or something. I dont care about anything, I dont know how i feel, I dont know what I want, I just dont know anything. My mom gets really mad at me for this because she thinks that im already old enough to defend myself and such. She says that I need to learn how to speak and say what Im thinking. Its not like I dont want to say what Im thinking, and its not like im shy or scared or anything, I just really dont know. When someone asks me simple questions like "do you want water?" "what movie would you like to watch?" "how are you?" I always respond the same thing "I dont know." Its the truth though...People think im avoiding the question but im not... I always try to make up an answer because well i got tired of people getting mad at me for being so indecisive. Sometimes I do know, but not right away...Minutes later after someone asks me something I finnally come up with a good answer but by that point i already answered the question with something else. Uhm its not just in normal conversations, its pretty much in EVERYTHING. Its starting to annoy me because I noticed that this happens also in my "romantic relationships" with people. I dont know how i feel about anyone, I dont know if i like them or want them. Its like...as long as im not sick of a person yet it means I like that person. I know it doesnt but thats about how close i get to actually liking someone that way. But someone more exciting can come along and I thats when I notice i didnt actually like the first person, i just didnt dislike that person until i got bored. Anyone can actually come along and confuse me into liking them. Like thats actually happened before alot of times, friends say oph you like him and I probably didnt even notice that person and just because they say so alot I suddenly start being attracted to him but its fake...Im not sure if this is even making sense anymore, I know its not okay. It also happens with my moods, I can be smiling and then crying and then being mad but not know why. Its like I react to things without having a reason to, or when im supposed to react to things I dont. I feel like theres something wrong with me. I mean, shouldnt I know what I feel? I should know myself enough to atleast make a proper decision. I should probably start caring more but im not sure how to do that or what to even care about. Im just..really indifferent about everything.
fairynila fairynila 16-17, F Jul 27, 2011

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