Slowly Suffacating

From the time I wake to the time I close my eyes, I literally feel the heaviness of my life gone wrong.  My husband has been unemployed for almost 2 years, and I, a housewife for 16 years moved into the workforce.  We have been supporting a family of seven on 23,000 a year.  We lost our house, van, and everything of value.  We traded our wedding rings for someone to pay our utilities for a month.  I feel as though I have been ******** of everything.  My husband, now suffering from depression has not been much support.  Life's burdens now lay on my shoulders.  Things continue to get worse.  Our car is breaking down, we have no medical insurance, two kids need glasses, 1 has a filling that's loose, and my five year old needs an EKG.  My marriage to my high school sweetheart and husband of 19 years is suffering.  I feel so alone.  And I don't see any way out.  We have been struggling for 4 years now.  It has been a downward spiral.  I don't see any way out.  I've looked in to schooling as an LVN, but they don't pay that much.  I don't know what to do.  I know my kids count on me, and see me a the rock in the family.  Like they know that I will be the one to fix things.  But I can't.  I don't have a way out.  I don't have anyone to turn to, and I feel myself withering away.  I don't want to open my eyes in the morning, and I wouldn't if none of my kids didn't say good morning, or kiss me when they got up in the morning.  The truth is, I don't have much to give anymore.  I fake a smile, but I am shriveling like a raisin inside.  I am so tired, I feel like I can't breath even when I am sitting.  I feel like life is suffocating me.  I have no way out, and not much energy to move forward.  I feel guilty in saying that I feel like giving up because I know my kids are counting on me, but I don't know how much longer I can bare.  I am so tired, and I see no way out.  There is no end or resolution in site.  I am feeling week physically and emotionally.  It seems so selfish when I see it in writing, and I am trying so hard to fight it.  I have always been a happy and encouraging person, always seeing the positive in everything.  I know 4 years of struggling doesn't seem like suffering, but it has been to us.  My kids miss out on so much.  They are such good kids.  They deserve so much more.  I use to tell them that things will get better...the truth is, I don't think they will.  I don't know if this is really what this sight is about, but I have no one else to talk to.  I goggled "i don't know what to do about my life" and this came up.  So here I am.  Tired, lost and suffocating.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!

barelystanding barelystanding
1 Response Jul 28, 2010

Hey I'm a college graduate and haven't had a job in two years. Just lost my apartment, and got kicked out of grad school. I don't have any kids, but a disabled sister who counts on me. She gets a check and I'm in school living off of financial aide which just actually got cut. My folks don't have jobs either.. I don't feel like waking up also but just try to keep the faith. You are not alone, I will keep you in my prayers. Don't get up, I know its rough.