I Don't Know What to Do Anymore
I don't know what to do. I literally don't. I keep thinking I'm okay, that I'm expressing myself in a healthy manor, and then BAM once again I'm ******* things up.
I can't talk to anyone about what is really going on in my head because they'll get mad.
So I'll just let everyone know now. I'm just not separating this ****.
Tonight... I ****** up a friendship, I'm not sure I'll have in the morning
I wanted to kill myself.
I really did.
I thought about swallowing all my sleeping pills. Slitting my wrists, but instead I like a dumbass took scissors to my arm, not my wrist, didn't even cut all the way in, just have a swollen cut mark on my arm. I always do that, probably because in the back of my mind I'm acting in the moment because I'm not sure how to deal with pain. So after that, I went to clean, clear my mind and just crying, still crying now. I feel so weak and pathetic.
I pushed plenty of people away.
Tim left, he didn't want anything to do with me.
Richard used me then left.
Pat and Mike raped me, then acted like I was worthless and made me hate myself.
Amanda was only focused on getting me to be her drug buddy and now that I"m not doing that, she's treating me like an acquaintance and I've known her since I was a kid. What happened to that ******* friendship???!!!!!!
My mom killed her ******* self, she didn't see me as worth giving her life a shot, giving sobriety a shot, no I'm ******* nothing to her too.
My dad could never be a dad! he would rather let me not grieve, not do anything, never have a healthy relationship with a man, not have any male role model in my life, because he chose to have me but not raise me, not pull me out of an abusive situation growing up. Every time I reached out to his *** he just shut me down. EVERY GOD DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!! It's his fault I can't stand religion, he hides behind it like it makes him a good person. Like it means he's worth something.
My family? Eh I don't mean **** all anything to them. I could have killed myself, or be a drunk right now, they wouldn't know. They don't know a god damn thing because they don't love me, they think I'm a ******* **** up, that I'm a worthless piece of **** and I will always be a bad person, I got that message loud and ******* clear growing up. I never had them. THey never supported me in anything I did. I call the cops on my mom for assaulting me, and they start threatening me through voicemail while my mom is in jail and telling me I've gone to far, telling me "you don't call the cops on family even if they hit you" and the same ******* family that I sit there and beg for them to pay attention and get my mom to a bottom where she's forced to get help, but no they ignore me. I reach out to them and get turned down over and over again, and being told, Oh don't bring up the alcoholism it will only make matters worse, just deal with it.
Having friends who use me and bully me and try to physically hurt me. Ones that abandon me in time once my money is gone or once my alcohol and stuff is gone. I'm nothing to them.
My mom never would hold me as a kid or teenager nothing. I was shown to not show my emotions. Though I have a friend whose upset and in tears over being adopted and all of the sudden my mom has a soul and can hold her. and talk to her and tell her everything is going to be okay, but me? Nah nothing ever, I'm only her child.
Her ex, who would be abusive towards me, coming to my room to tell me my mom is out of line and everything will be okay, and she gets mad and honestly jealous and all of the sudden she's screaming at him to get away from me she wants to bust her beer bottle over my head, and well..... his abusive ***, covers me with his body so she can't harm me, and she gets mad, and does what? Busts the tv she bought with the beer bottle instead because she can't hurt me.
Always yelling at me every ******* time I sought therapy or help in some way because she said "all you do is sit in there and talk about me, like I'm a bad mother" Well maybe if you weren't and abusive, distant, psycho, lonely, pathetic, DRUNK I wouldn't have had to of talked about you then, huh? No I wouldn't have, but no no you played the victim all the GOD DAMN ******* TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wonder where I get that from mom?????
This same woman who is supposed to comfort me, when I have a loss. But eight years old, I watched the man who was your husband and divorced before I was ever born, this man who was a father figure to me part of my childhood because he'd come around and see me, give me a dollar every time :-) He was sweet and caring, but like you, an alcoholic. He died of cirrhosis of the liver, and the ******* second I walked into the room, his heart stopped and all I heard was the beeping, I was so god damn young, I felt like I killed him, and I ran to you, but your holding me didn't last long so I ran out of the room and sat in the corner of the door, the poor doctor didn't know what to do, I didn't know, I had no one!!!!! That ******* image has never left my god damn mind, and you did ******* nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then Physllis, she was a family friend, I was really close to her, and she died when I was ten by a drunk driver and it was raining so that made matters worse, I was ******* TEN and you laid in your god damn bed crying, and you were ******* drunk and I had to comfort your stupid sorry ***. I needed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I ******* needed you and you were never ******* there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You knew my depression was bad when I was starting middle school, but what did you do? When you realized I was suicidal you encouraged me to kill myself, even had the nerve to say "let's kill ourselves together" I mean are you ******* kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!! One night I run out of the god damn house with a knife, being a drama queen telling you I wanted to kill myself, I fall, start stabbing the ground and you do nothing, you should have had my *** in a psych ward then, but no, no psych ward, no grounding, you just bitched at me and said how horrible I was.
Then we fight and fight, one day I'm breaking down into tears and begging you to quit drinking and you cry, while you drink, you never even try, never ******* once do you even try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start manipulating you and trying to stir up **** and then I get you to say you wished your miscarriage before me was ME, and that if not that you'd wished you'd had an abortion, I don't care how bitchy and manipulative I'd been, what ******* parent says that god damn ****? Apparently you.
This woman who says my grandparents were amazing people. Bull ******* ****, you had a ****** up life, so you made me have a ****** up life, you keep me in your same god damn cycle, so I'll be as twisted and whorish and as miserable as you were. Your parents were ****** up. No dad lets their little girl have a beer at eight, now I know why you let me try your liquor at eight years old. No parent(s) raise one psycho control freak, three drunks, and only one slightly normal child.
I can't even feel without your bull **** in my head telling me how worthless I am. what a wimp I am, what a ***** I am, how I need to suck it up and get the **** over it.
This same woman, who also used to tell me I need to stop getting such ****** friends, when you wouldn't try to set an example for me. You never done anything. You had your whiskey as your bestest buddy. You never had a day of fun in your ******* life.
You let me stay with you in the hospital for a ******* day while you wait to get admitted into rehab. I cry while they set you up in there. Like a parent watching their child. I wanted the sobriety so bad for you. I cleaned your house, done laundry, and got **** squared away so that you would have a nice clean home to come home to, a new start. But a month later you were drinking again. And when I put my foot down and stop speaking to you. What do you do? Rehab? No no facing your problems would be too easy. You start drinking yourself to death and as you lay there in your blood and ******* ****, you decide oh I'll call 911, and then you know two months of not speaking, I get a facebook message saying your in the hospital and they don't know if you're going to live. You slowly gave up on yourself those 11 months before you died. We lost your brother, an uncle to whom I loved a lot, we were close when I was kid and it stopped as I got older because his drinking took over, but he sobered up and still died of cancer. I never got to say goodbye because our family is so god damn ****** up that my aunt Lilly decides to finally call me, knowing full well I won't speak to her, and says Oh hey just wanted to see how you were doing. When she was actually calling because yall were spending the weekend with my Uncle b/c you knew he didn't have much time left, and no one ever said it was important. and Tuesday Kim gets home from work, your mom called, your uncle died. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to see him. I just get to see him a day later, laying there in his coffin. and what did I get once I was there, seeing that you'd barely done **** and you were hardly walking, I had to sit there and push my mom around in a wheelchair around the funeral home. while family threatens me telling me to take care of you or they'd kick my ***. Telling me that I need to take care of you, it's my job. Despite you know... the fact that you chose this ******* path. You chose to let your addiction take over your ******* life. and they have the nerve to compare your situation with my dead uncle, you ******* chose this he didn't ******* chose Colon Cancer now did he mom???? NO HE ******* DIDN"T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only person who didn't hurt me was my Aunt Barbara. I looked at her and she just held me while I sobbed in her shoulder. She was more of a mother to me than you ever ******* were!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then a few months later, I start to spend time with you, because you aren't walking your completely bed ridden. They think hospice would be a very real option soon. January goes by and I start to see you once a week, sometimes more if necessary. I sit there talking with you and seeing you lay there. So shriveled up, giant stomach and barely any arms to you, and your legs look like bones with skin just laying over top of you. Then mid March, you call me to inform me that my Aunt B had been in the hospital in a coma for two weeks and you'd just found out recently. One day it's bad, next day it looks like she might be okay, so I hold off going to the hospital, and the Saturday. you call me at 230, oh she's good, they said she's up and talking some. Not totally there, but it's better. Then 330, your number shows up on my phone and she's gone. I never got to say goodbye to her, now I don't blame you for that, but I blame our ******* family. The one person I cared for and loved dearly, died. I never got to say goodbye. Then I go to her viewing. I had to run from you and get Uncle G to push your wheelchair to the front. I went into the bathroom and sobbed and sobbed. I felt so alone and there was my aunt laying dead in a casket up at the front of the church, the only person in this family who ever acknowledged your drinking, the only one who disciplined me, the only one I knew loved me unconditionally. She never made me feel worthless or like I should hate myself like you did. And she's gone. And you are so dead looking and I start to realize that I would be losing you too. You're throwing up. You can't walk, you can't do anything, and you are just sad and you've given up and I can see it. Then you were too sick to go to the funeral. So I go, and check on you later. Once I get there, Aunt L had brought you food, but tossed in the mini fridge beside you, didn't put in in containers so you could eat it. You could barely move let alone pick up that fragile ****** *** plate. I could have ******* found that ***** and kicked her ***. I busted into tears I didn't mean to in front of you. I wanted to be strong for you. and I straighten things up, and leave. I cry and cry on the way home. Then sure enough about a week and a half later, you go back to the hospital, and a month later, you're dead. But let's not forget what is very clear in the last two deaths of the family, you never were there, you couldn't be, I still had to take care of you and while trying to grieve for them, I had to watch you dying too. You were like a child when you were so incompetent. Your meds get bad affects and I have to clean you up when the nurse can't be called. Sitting there trying to delicately to clean your legs and feet, and your body temperature is so low, that even the slightest warmth of a wet rag on your feet and ankles makes you cry and moan like some child who is hurting or throwing a tantrum. Then you know once you were finally in the hospital for the last time. I was in there day after day. Calling places trying to get you to the top of the liver transplant list. and you're sitting there behind my back telling your pastor your ready to die, when do I find this out? At the church before your funeral, because I guess in the hospital wouldn't be a good time to tell me, maybe you enjoyed me trying to help you, trying to save you, and caring and putting myself through hell because I wanted my mom, you got some sick happiness out of it, knowing you'd die. I bet you ******* did you sadistic ******* ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and to top matters off you die, two weeks before my 21st birthday, how ******* convenient. Sadly you couldn't have planned it. But I'm sure if you knew you'd be happy about it.
I wish I knew why you had me. . . I was never enough for you to try. To live. TO be my god damn mother. It's not like you had other kids to take care of, it was me, only me. But I guess that was too much because I came in between you and your bottle.
But this is also the same woman who ya know, when I told her that her exes son was abusing me, and his sisters would help. They'd hold me there, take my pants off and all repeatedly just hit me over and over again, sometimes they'd choke me, but what did you do when I told you all of it finally? "why did you keep going back there, why didn't you tell me then, well oh my I just don't believe you" I don't know mom, maybe you should think.. Hmmm what's Nikki used to... Oh that's right abuse and hiding her emotions. Well mom, congrats. You loved watching me suffer, and I'm sure it would please you if I gave up my life and just ******* gave in and offed myself, but I'm not as pathetic as you are. . I'm not as weak as you are. I may cause myself pain, and not express myself for ****, but I ******* refuse to end up like you, to just give up my life before it's even started. In a way I should thank you for killing yourself. I don't have to worry about wondering if I go to see you and I'll find your drunken body laying there cold and lifeless. I don't have to worry about you going to jail or killing someone. I don't have to be near my family. I don't have to be near my father, cause fact is, I can work out my issues with men, letting him back into my life would be stupid, he hasn't seen me in nearly two years now, so he can go without seeing me til the day he ******* dies. I'm in a ****** up place right now, I have no doubt about that. But I refuse to just give up. and die. Or drink. or do drugs. or whatever stupid *** self destructive bull **** excuse I can find to do. To avoid my problems.
Unlike you mom. I want a life. A good one. With a family. Not you. Not dad. Not any ******* body other than who I chose to have in my life.
You can go **** yourself. Because I'm done.
Oh boy..... not really sure where all of that came from. I wanted to write because I was upset and hurting, and then the above happened. Ummmm :( I feel better now :P
But holy **** I was not expecting this. I have some apologizing to do. . .
I can't talk to anyone about what is really going on in my head because they'll get mad.
So I'll just let everyone know now. I'm just not separating this ****.
Tonight... I ****** up a friendship, I'm not sure I'll have in the morning
I wanted to kill myself.
I really did.
I thought about swallowing all my sleeping pills. Slitting my wrists, but instead I like a dumbass took scissors to my arm, not my wrist, didn't even cut all the way in, just have a swollen cut mark on my arm. I always do that, probably because in the back of my mind I'm acting in the moment because I'm not sure how to deal with pain. So after that, I went to clean, clear my mind and just crying, still crying now. I feel so weak and pathetic.
I pushed plenty of people away.
Tim left, he didn't want anything to do with me.
Richard used me then left.
Pat and Mike raped me, then acted like I was worthless and made me hate myself.
Amanda was only focused on getting me to be her drug buddy and now that I"m not doing that, she's treating me like an acquaintance and I've known her since I was a kid. What happened to that ******* friendship???!!!!!!
My mom killed her ******* self, she didn't see me as worth giving her life a shot, giving sobriety a shot, no I'm ******* nothing to her too.
My dad could never be a dad! he would rather let me not grieve, not do anything, never have a healthy relationship with a man, not have any male role model in my life, because he chose to have me but not raise me, not pull me out of an abusive situation growing up. Every time I reached out to his *** he just shut me down. EVERY GOD DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!! It's his fault I can't stand religion, he hides behind it like it makes him a good person. Like it means he's worth something.
My family? Eh I don't mean **** all anything to them. I could have killed myself, or be a drunk right now, they wouldn't know. They don't know a god damn thing because they don't love me, they think I'm a ******* **** up, that I'm a worthless piece of **** and I will always be a bad person, I got that message loud and ******* clear growing up. I never had them. THey never supported me in anything I did. I call the cops on my mom for assaulting me, and they start threatening me through voicemail while my mom is in jail and telling me I've gone to far, telling me "you don't call the cops on family even if they hit you" and the same ******* family that I sit there and beg for them to pay attention and get my mom to a bottom where she's forced to get help, but no they ignore me. I reach out to them and get turned down over and over again, and being told, Oh don't bring up the alcoholism it will only make matters worse, just deal with it.
Having friends who use me and bully me and try to physically hurt me. Ones that abandon me in time once my money is gone or once my alcohol and stuff is gone. I'm nothing to them.
My mom never would hold me as a kid or teenager nothing. I was shown to not show my emotions. Though I have a friend whose upset and in tears over being adopted and all of the sudden my mom has a soul and can hold her. and talk to her and tell her everything is going to be okay, but me? Nah nothing ever, I'm only her child.
Her ex, who would be abusive towards me, coming to my room to tell me my mom is out of line and everything will be okay, and she gets mad and honestly jealous and all of the sudden she's screaming at him to get away from me she wants to bust her beer bottle over my head, and well..... his abusive ***, covers me with his body so she can't harm me, and she gets mad, and does what? Busts the tv she bought with the beer bottle instead because she can't hurt me.
Always yelling at me every ******* time I sought therapy or help in some way because she said "all you do is sit in there and talk about me, like I'm a bad mother" Well maybe if you weren't and abusive, distant, psycho, lonely, pathetic, DRUNK I wouldn't have had to of talked about you then, huh? No I wouldn't have, but no no you played the victim all the GOD DAMN ******* TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wonder where I get that from mom?????
This same woman who is supposed to comfort me, when I have a loss. But eight years old, I watched the man who was your husband and divorced before I was ever born, this man who was a father figure to me part of my childhood because he'd come around and see me, give me a dollar every time :-) He was sweet and caring, but like you, an alcoholic. He died of cirrhosis of the liver, and the ******* second I walked into the room, his heart stopped and all I heard was the beeping, I was so god damn young, I felt like I killed him, and I ran to you, but your holding me didn't last long so I ran out of the room and sat in the corner of the door, the poor doctor didn't know what to do, I didn't know, I had no one!!!!! That ******* image has never left my god damn mind, and you did ******* nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then Physllis, she was a family friend, I was really close to her, and she died when I was ten by a drunk driver and it was raining so that made matters worse, I was ******* TEN and you laid in your god damn bed crying, and you were ******* drunk and I had to comfort your stupid sorry ***. I needed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I ******* needed you and you were never ******* there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You knew my depression was bad when I was starting middle school, but what did you do? When you realized I was suicidal you encouraged me to kill myself, even had the nerve to say "let's kill ourselves together" I mean are you ******* kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!! One night I run out of the god damn house with a knife, being a drama queen telling you I wanted to kill myself, I fall, start stabbing the ground and you do nothing, you should have had my *** in a psych ward then, but no, no psych ward, no grounding, you just bitched at me and said how horrible I was.
Then we fight and fight, one day I'm breaking down into tears and begging you to quit drinking and you cry, while you drink, you never even try, never ******* once do you even try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start manipulating you and trying to stir up **** and then I get you to say you wished your miscarriage before me was ME, and that if not that you'd wished you'd had an abortion, I don't care how bitchy and manipulative I'd been, what ******* parent says that god damn ****? Apparently you.
This woman who says my grandparents were amazing people. Bull ******* ****, you had a ****** up life, so you made me have a ****** up life, you keep me in your same god damn cycle, so I'll be as twisted and whorish and as miserable as you were. Your parents were ****** up. No dad lets their little girl have a beer at eight, now I know why you let me try your liquor at eight years old. No parent(s) raise one psycho control freak, three drunks, and only one slightly normal child.
I can't even feel without your bull **** in my head telling me how worthless I am. what a wimp I am, what a ***** I am, how I need to suck it up and get the **** over it.
This same woman, who also used to tell me I need to stop getting such ****** friends, when you wouldn't try to set an example for me. You never done anything. You had your whiskey as your bestest buddy. You never had a day of fun in your ******* life.
You let me stay with you in the hospital for a ******* day while you wait to get admitted into rehab. I cry while they set you up in there. Like a parent watching their child. I wanted the sobriety so bad for you. I cleaned your house, done laundry, and got **** squared away so that you would have a nice clean home to come home to, a new start. But a month later you were drinking again. And when I put my foot down and stop speaking to you. What do you do? Rehab? No no facing your problems would be too easy. You start drinking yourself to death and as you lay there in your blood and ******* ****, you decide oh I'll call 911, and then you know two months of not speaking, I get a facebook message saying your in the hospital and they don't know if you're going to live. You slowly gave up on yourself those 11 months before you died. We lost your brother, an uncle to whom I loved a lot, we were close when I was kid and it stopped as I got older because his drinking took over, but he sobered up and still died of cancer. I never got to say goodbye because our family is so god damn ****** up that my aunt Lilly decides to finally call me, knowing full well I won't speak to her, and says Oh hey just wanted to see how you were doing. When she was actually calling because yall were spending the weekend with my Uncle b/c you knew he didn't have much time left, and no one ever said it was important. and Tuesday Kim gets home from work, your mom called, your uncle died. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to see him. I just get to see him a day later, laying there in his coffin. and what did I get once I was there, seeing that you'd barely done **** and you were hardly walking, I had to sit there and push my mom around in a wheelchair around the funeral home. while family threatens me telling me to take care of you or they'd kick my ***. Telling me that I need to take care of you, it's my job. Despite you know... the fact that you chose this ******* path. You chose to let your addiction take over your ******* life. and they have the nerve to compare your situation with my dead uncle, you ******* chose this he didn't ******* chose Colon Cancer now did he mom???? NO HE ******* DIDN"T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only person who didn't hurt me was my Aunt Barbara. I looked at her and she just held me while I sobbed in her shoulder. She was more of a mother to me than you ever ******* were!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then a few months later, I start to spend time with you, because you aren't walking your completely bed ridden. They think hospice would be a very real option soon. January goes by and I start to see you once a week, sometimes more if necessary. I sit there talking with you and seeing you lay there. So shriveled up, giant stomach and barely any arms to you, and your legs look like bones with skin just laying over top of you. Then mid March, you call me to inform me that my Aunt B had been in the hospital in a coma for two weeks and you'd just found out recently. One day it's bad, next day it looks like she might be okay, so I hold off going to the hospital, and the Saturday. you call me at 230, oh she's good, they said she's up and talking some. Not totally there, but it's better. Then 330, your number shows up on my phone and she's gone. I never got to say goodbye to her, now I don't blame you for that, but I blame our ******* family. The one person I cared for and loved dearly, died. I never got to say goodbye. Then I go to her viewing. I had to run from you and get Uncle G to push your wheelchair to the front. I went into the bathroom and sobbed and sobbed. I felt so alone and there was my aunt laying dead in a casket up at the front of the church, the only person in this family who ever acknowledged your drinking, the only one who disciplined me, the only one I knew loved me unconditionally. She never made me feel worthless or like I should hate myself like you did. And she's gone. And you are so dead looking and I start to realize that I would be losing you too. You're throwing up. You can't walk, you can't do anything, and you are just sad and you've given up and I can see it. Then you were too sick to go to the funeral. So I go, and check on you later. Once I get there, Aunt L had brought you food, but tossed in the mini fridge beside you, didn't put in in containers so you could eat it. You could barely move let alone pick up that fragile ****** *** plate. I could have ******* found that ***** and kicked her ***. I busted into tears I didn't mean to in front of you. I wanted to be strong for you. and I straighten things up, and leave. I cry and cry on the way home. Then sure enough about a week and a half later, you go back to the hospital, and a month later, you're dead. But let's not forget what is very clear in the last two deaths of the family, you never were there, you couldn't be, I still had to take care of you and while trying to grieve for them, I had to watch you dying too. You were like a child when you were so incompetent. Your meds get bad affects and I have to clean you up when the nurse can't be called. Sitting there trying to delicately to clean your legs and feet, and your body temperature is so low, that even the slightest warmth of a wet rag on your feet and ankles makes you cry and moan like some child who is hurting or throwing a tantrum. Then you know once you were finally in the hospital for the last time. I was in there day after day. Calling places trying to get you to the top of the liver transplant list. and you're sitting there behind my back telling your pastor your ready to die, when do I find this out? At the church before your funeral, because I guess in the hospital wouldn't be a good time to tell me, maybe you enjoyed me trying to help you, trying to save you, and caring and putting myself through hell because I wanted my mom, you got some sick happiness out of it, knowing you'd die. I bet you ******* did you sadistic ******* ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and to top matters off you die, two weeks before my 21st birthday, how ******* convenient. Sadly you couldn't have planned it. But I'm sure if you knew you'd be happy about it.
I wish I knew why you had me. . . I was never enough for you to try. To live. TO be my god damn mother. It's not like you had other kids to take care of, it was me, only me. But I guess that was too much because I came in between you and your bottle.
But this is also the same woman who ya know, when I told her that her exes son was abusing me, and his sisters would help. They'd hold me there, take my pants off and all repeatedly just hit me over and over again, sometimes they'd choke me, but what did you do when I told you all of it finally? "why did you keep going back there, why didn't you tell me then, well oh my I just don't believe you" I don't know mom, maybe you should think.. Hmmm what's Nikki used to... Oh that's right abuse and hiding her emotions. Well mom, congrats. You loved watching me suffer, and I'm sure it would please you if I gave up my life and just ******* gave in and offed myself, but I'm not as pathetic as you are. . I'm not as weak as you are. I may cause myself pain, and not express myself for ****, but I ******* refuse to end up like you, to just give up my life before it's even started. In a way I should thank you for killing yourself. I don't have to worry about wondering if I go to see you and I'll find your drunken body laying there cold and lifeless. I don't have to worry about you going to jail or killing someone. I don't have to be near my family. I don't have to be near my father, cause fact is, I can work out my issues with men, letting him back into my life would be stupid, he hasn't seen me in nearly two years now, so he can go without seeing me til the day he ******* dies. I'm in a ****** up place right now, I have no doubt about that. But I refuse to just give up. and die. Or drink. or do drugs. or whatever stupid *** self destructive bull **** excuse I can find to do. To avoid my problems.
Unlike you mom. I want a life. A good one. With a family. Not you. Not dad. Not any ******* body other than who I chose to have in my life.
You can go **** yourself. Because I'm done.
Oh boy..... not really sure where all of that came from. I wanted to write because I was upset and hurting, and then the above happened. Ummmm :( I feel better now :P
But holy **** I was not expecting this. I have some apologizing to do. . .
Age:
22-25
,
Female
