I May Have Made A Mistake, But Maybe Not..

I have been dating a gent who is 9 years my junior for about 5 months now. We moved like lightning speed; living together for 4 of those months. At first I was trepidatious, but my longest relationship to date had just ended and I was enjoying the ride. I soon became irritated by him extremely easily. I figured that it may pass; maybe I was being too hard on him. He is the most loving and attentive boyfriend I have ever had and makes a huge effort to make me feel good about myself. Since we moved in together we argue pretty much every day. I have to ask him over and over to do any chores, including the ones that we agreed were exclusively his. He also owes me a lot of money for rent, yet he seems quite casual about it.
I recently had a relapse of mental illness and attempted suicide which he said was his only deal breaker. He did not leave me however, and stayed by my side. When I returned home he took care of me even longer than expected as I caught the flu. I have not been back on medication since, so my mood has been pretty up and down. This past week I've felt like everything he says or does is incredibly obnoxious. I am so indebted to him for his love and care through this difficult time, but I also resent him immensely for some reason.
After days of passive aggression we talked about it and he decided to go to a friends for a week. He said that he just went through hell for me and I should have told him all of this the day I woke up in the hospital. I think he means that he would have just left me then and there. He has a new job which requires his computer, so I said that he didn't have to leave and that I would sleep on the couch, but he  insisted that there is no way he would be staying here and he would take it with him.

Now that he is gone I am sad and miss him already. He is so angry with me and I think he wants to leave. It will be so hard to let him go because I do really love him but I'm not sure that he will be interested in coming back at all when the week is up. I wish I hadn't said anything, because I really don't know what I want and why exactly I feel this way. It has just been so much holding all of these feelings inside that they began seeping out and finally exploded. I feel as though I may have made a huge mistake by just letting everything out after all that has happened recently, but if I hadn't it would have just continued to fester inside of me and I might not have come to the understanding place I am in now.
I really don't know what to do or say. I realize now that he was really good to me and that I never had a chance to heal from my last break-up but I have pulled the rug out from under myself and there is no going back. Even if by some miracle he decides to stay, it won't be the same and I don't know that he will be able to forgive me. Maybe it's best to just try to pick myself up and move on.

eatenpie eatenpie
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 21, 2013

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