I Just Need Someone To Talk ToI apologize in advance for what may seem like a monstrosity of chaos in the words I'm about to say. I understand completely that these struggles and feelings I'm expressing cannot merely be fixed through an email, and I've come to terms that sometimes everyone needs a little help from a professional...and I have hope and faith that I will get there, but today I just need someone to listen, or to read per say, a one-sided bounce board. So whether I'm classified as crazy for sharing my story with a complete stranger, I don't care, because sometimes that does more work in us than any professional, doctorate degree, or medication could ever fathom doing.
My name is Amanda. I am twenty years old and I think my life can be defined as the epitome of dysfunctional. In what seems like such a short time, I feel as if I have lost touch with what used to be such strong, deep roots in my faith, my family, and most importantly, myself. I grew up in a christian home. My parents were very involved in our church, my mother being the secretary, worship leader, and bible study teacher in addition to her nursing job while my father helped out in any way he could. I grew up in that church. It's members became my family and you can say that my relationship with the Lord during these years were at its peak. My family left that church when I was twelve years old, quite abruptly. I may have been young, but it did not take long to figure out that this unexpected move was way out of realm for what one would call normal. The pastor of my church, along with his father were finally discovered with a long history of abuse and molestation in a number of many churches before my own, reason being, my mother had too been one of his several victims and the first to come forward about it.
I lost my mom that day she came forward. Not from the impact of a tragic car accident or against the fight of some incurable disease, whatever reason you may choose to call it, from that day forward my mom decided to sever herself physically, spiritually, and emotionally from me and my family. As time went by, I began to watch my mother transition from one of those most influential people in my life, into nothing more than a foreign body. She grew quite accustomed to alcohol. My friend, my protector, my hand to hold and shoulder to cry on, my mommy...who was once the spiritual leader and light of my household, abandoned all of her self-worth and values for a mere combination of synthetic chemical compounds that could engulf her faster than I could say, I love you. It wasn't easy to deal with her new lifestyle. As she bought happiness by the bottle, I fought for every ounce of her attention just to gain my own happiness, in ways I regret to say were not so healthy. I struggled with eating disorders, self-inflicted injury, and much more. Years went by, and like many other motherless daughters out there, I struggled through the milestones of my teenage years alone. I survived the toll of puberty, and the countless vacant seats at each dance competition with a light in my heart and a smile on my face, but I fear that none of these little triumphs could have helped me overcome one of the biggest obstacles that was yet to come.
I hate the phrase ignorance equals bliss, because I highly doubt that even the greatest amount of insensitivity could have granted me the slightest bit of happiness in what I soon learned. My mother was not entirely truthful in her allegations with the public and my family. She had been involved in a lengthy affair with this so claimed pastor, one with her complete knowledge and will. I grew quite angry with my mom at this point, and though her actions make it easy to feel hate and disappointment towards her, it's just as hard not to love her...she's still my mom. As you can imagine, my parents marriage at this point was beginning to die off per say. There was a lot of screaming and fighting and screaming and fighting growing up, but they never did anyone a favor by separating. It was hard handling all of this junk as a teenager, but I managed to get by just in time to graduate high school and move on towards college. I thought things would get better. I thought I would finally be able to get away from it all.
To abbreviate what seems to have been a lifetime since then, my parents finally ended their seemingly, meaningless marriage this past summer in response to the discovery of my mother's second affair with a man much younger than she is. They live happily together now which has made juggling the new tradition of a divided Christmas and holidays quite difficult. To make matters worse, my mom was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and I don't know what to feel anymore. All my life, I've wanted my mom to suffer, and now she will. I don't know if I can forgive myself for thinking those thoughts all these years.
Aside from dealing with the struggle of standing firm in my faith amongst the thoughts of my past, and learning to love my mom despite our differences, the final battle I am fighting now is trying to discover myself in light of the mess I'm in. I guess I never had time to do that growing up. So here I am today, twenty years old, a sophomore in college, and I have no idea of what to do next with my life. Do what makes you happy is what everyone is saying today. Having a career in the medical field is all I've ever known, which don't get me wrong finds me great joy and satisfaction, but if I could sing, act, dance, compose, and write my way through medical school, I would. I'm so lost in utterly confused in this world. I don't know who I am, where I stand with God or my own family for that matter...and I don't know if I'll ever figure them out again, but I just wanted to tell someone today.
Thank you for listening.