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The Biggest Lie I Continuously Tell Myself

On most days, I know perfectly well what I need to do.  Sometimes, I wish very much that I did not know.  In a way, I long for the time when I did not know, and it did not matter if I knew or not, because someone would always be there to help bail me out if things went awry.  I know what to do, and I know that I will have to dig myself out, and some days, I just can't seem to look forward to it.  As a child, I dreamed of one day having the opportunity to learn through trial and error without fear of judgment, but now, as I sit in that very moment, I am filled with the terror of having no boundaries to rail against.  This place of non-judgment is at present an extremely lonely place, and I don't know if my ego can take it.  It wants to be led, criticized, judged and dominated.  It wants company, and I don't know if I can hold out much longer...I don't want to give in to it.  Why am I so frightened to realize that I could be happy without it sometimes?  I have a chance to put it on hold for once, to do something that will neither feed it nor crush it...just something that might actually bring me some peace of mind, but it keeps telling me, "Come on, you don't really know what to do, do you?  You realize, you could ruin everything?".   Why must it bother me with such relativistic angst?  So I don't know what to do, but I do know that I need to do.  If it ruins everything...at least I gave it a shot. So I'm counting down...I'm starting today.  Completely blind.  Pure trial and error.  Come on, Tate...you know what to do...

deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Apr 3, 2008

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Hia, I agree very much with 'Bainyblonde''s comments. We're all in the same boat, having to take the chance in all aspects of life and not knowing the outcome. Living is a risk, communicating our authentic self is a risk. But, hey, as we do it more and more we learn and we learn and we learn that all we can do is to be ourself and if someone accepts us all well and good and if not then they're not meant to be in our lives. So, have the courage to step out and know taht God loves us all and the right people will also. velvetflow

If you are young, and it sounds as if you are, then there is probably no way you will "ruin everything." Trial and error is how we learn. Being on your own is scary at first for everyone. It is part of the rite of passage of becoming an adult. Be patient and know this will pass.

I deeply empathise with the sentiment, although perhaps not the exact circumstance - you've certainly captured the sensation and feeling and *bite* of these traps that we set for ourselves.<br />
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They sound so easy to overcome when put out as a dilemma on paper... <i>why not just *do*</i>... but it's no matter so easily overcome, no more so than cutting off a limb to escape an emotional bear-trap.

Me too...