I need to write this somewhere to get it out of my head.

I have been feeling extremely suicidal recently and I just had one of the most disturbing yet eye-opening dreams.


I dreamt that I had killed myself like I plan to, but I woke up the next day. I got up and walked down stairs for a drink just like any other morning, but everyone was crying. There were friends of mine in my house crying so hard they couldn't breathe, my biological family were crying and punching things, and I couldn't get anyone to answer me....Not a single person even acknowledged my existence.


I went over to Scruffy who was hiding under the table In the drawing room, at least he reacted to me, but I couldn't let him. I burst into tears out of frustration that NO one would tell me what was going on and now I can't even pet my dog right!?!? I knew Scruffy could see me...But when I tried to play with him he didn't react like he always does. I didn't feel him pressing his little head into my hands as he rolled around licking me, he didn't even move. He just stared then got up and ran into the room of people crying.


I couldn't take this, something was wrong with this picture! I stood up and just kinda stood there for a moment before I heard the front door open...It was Brenda and Denia...But they were sobbing. I ran up to them, but they didn't seem to see me? I couldn't do this! I ran out the door and just kept running...


When I reached the turn off to James River(the road I always loved) I decided to run down it to clear my head....I just kept going on the road for what seemed like a million years before I started crying and talking to myself. I always did that on this road, something about it just makes my deepest thoughts come out....That's when it hit me..I am dead. I succeeded last night, I am in limbo.



I went back to my house and everyone but, Rebecca was gone. So I started talking at her to test my theory...Unfortunately I was right and she couldn't see or hear me. I started crying hysterically and trying to hug her! I wanted to be dead, GONE, not stuck here without communication!!!


Suddenly I am somewhere else, it looks like the library I used to go to Homeschool meetings at? There is a lady here named Sally...She can hear me?! I start practically pacing around her seeing what she can understand! She can hear me, but I don't know her and she doesn't know me. She asks me to stop, she says she feels like she is going crazy. I stop pacing and talking..I just stop everything actually. I just stand there feeling frozen in time.


Suddenly I am back at my house...I am watching my own death. I don't know why but, Brenda and Haleigh are standing on the steps. I must've called one of them in my final moments. I watch my own body heave off the ground slightly as they try to shock me back to life. I look around my room and see everything layed out like I planned, but where is my note?? I keep listening to the paramedics fight to save me...What a eery feeling, I still can't shake it and I am not even dreaming anymore. I watch them try CPR, paddles, and then call it. I watch them pronounce me dead! I just fall apart, that ringing in my ears grows so loud I can't hear and I watch them put ME in a body bag. I watch Brenda, Haleigh, Steve, and Rebecca cry so hard they almost fall over as my body is wheeled by.


I watch them follow it outside just saying "No....No...JUST NO!!" I hate myself in this moment! I realized all to late that I had people who loved me. I had people who would call a ambulance and actually attempt to save my life. People actually cried when my heart stopped. I had people who would've saved me if I would've let them. I HAD A FAMILY!

I left out a lot of this, just the main things are in this. I hope it made enough sense..but it is 2:12 in the morning and I can't see through my tears. This was a painstakingly accurate dream, the things I left out make it even more painful. I have cried so many times just writing this, ThanK God he sent me this message! If God hadn't sent me this....a Well I would've been dead this weekend...Right now actually.
SaphiraJane SaphiraJane
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 16, 2014

I wish I wouldve had a dream like that.. Now i just have nightmares:( of what would have been.