Yet Another Anxiety Episode?

To make a long story short, my life is weird and always has been. I'm not sure how long ago this started, but I started developing psychotic symptoms while under great amounts of stress. I say I don't know how long ago this happened because I haven't noticed the connection between my craziness and anxiety until very recently. Anyhow the past couple weeks have been terrible. I was working long hours doing jobs that are high stress for me. I just lost it.

The first thing that hit me was the emotional pain. It hurts, agonizingly so. It's as if someone is torturing my spirit. I know that sounds cheesy, but I would literally be writhing incapacitated on my bed, filled with this sharp energy that cried for me to lash out, at my room, at other people, at myself, anything. Then the rest of it came. I started seeing the colors, bright pinks and blues that swirled through my room, making it like the inside of a lava lamp. Other such trippy hallucinations went on as well, the floor and walls swirling and swelling. Then there were also those vivid, intense mental images that tend to come to me during these episodes, which help to soothe the pain. Focusing on every detail of the image sort of exhausts my brain I guess. Sometimes the images are beautiful, sometimes horrific. I write about them often.

Anyhow aside from that mess, I've also been delusional. I can see this now that I am coming down from my episode as my stressful weeks have ended. I kept hearing songs on the radio and thinking it was God or the Devil communicating with me. They all just seemed so relevant to what was going on in my life. Being unable to sleep at night from the pain, fear, and sometimes for no reason at all. Feeling as if demons were in the room, seeing their hideous faces when I closed my eyes. No one could sleep with that kind of thing going on. My thoughts were scrambled, either racing and jumbled or painfully repetitive. I moved through the days like a robot, living through routine, hiding my inner madness until I could go home and be alone for the day.

I know something is wrong with me. I have never gotten answers. Strange things like this have happened to me all my life and I never thought anything of them until I got older. Sometimes I feel like I'm driven more crazy by lacking answers then by this phenomenon. I try to write down all of my experiences, in the hopes that they'll be useful to me someday. Anyways, I'm glad the attack is winding down. I want to be able to sleep easy again.
Hush92 Hush92
22-25, F
Aug 4, 2013