Am I Just A Desperate Gullable Fool?

Am I so starved for affection and desperate to feel like somebody cares about me that I fancy myself falling in love with anyone who treats me nice and speaks nicely to me and acts like they might care a little? I seem to always set myself up for failure and heartache when I realize they really don't care as I thought they did and don't treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated. Then I fall deeper into the spiralled pit of lonliness, depression and despair. I'm so afraid to be hurt again that I want to close myself off to all possibilities of relationship yet that only makes me feel lonely and I think I'm desperate for affection seeking it from any source I can get it even if it's not true affection. I feel like I'm such a ****** up mess that nobody in their right mind would want anything to do with me. If anyone expresses interest, I flat out tell them they are crazy. This tug of war needs to end! I need to find a way to stop pushing away people that might care and pulling towards me the people that are toxic to me.I want to give up and disapear from everyone yet I long so desperately to be held in the arms of someone who truly loves me!
kzoodiana kzoodiana
36-40, F
2 Responses May 14, 2012

the joy in life is all around, fill your heart and head with it.

I totally feel for you. I am in the same boat.<br />
the only thing Stopping me from disapearing<br />
is my 12 yo son i could not be that selfish to<br />
him. i Have had a bout of depression for <br />
about 1-2 weeks now, havent been to work<br />
in ten days, mind you i have been there for<br />
14+ years.<br />
I have been hurt too many times i am<br />
scared to fall in love again but still<br />
scared to be alone<br />
Dont worry you will find the right person<br />
and when you do it will be magic<br />
I am not religous but tonight i will<br />
say a prayer for you hopping that<br />
you can meet Mr. Nice Guy soon.<br />
Chin up and please take care