Going back to last summer, I met a guy, fell in love, and I was sucked into a whole different world. The world I used to be against. The one I never wanted to so much as breathe upon. Every day and every night I was out with him and his friends. They'd be selling weed and drinking... LIfe was one big party, and I felt so special to be included in it. He fed me lies. He manipulated me. He used me to the point of almost no return. I stuck around thinking maybe it will change. I handed out chances too many times, and every one he just let me down. When we parted ways, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I waited up by my phone for his call. I hated myself. I was disgusted that I'd let it go that far. I spiraled into a depression that the coldness of winter seemed to make worse. I stopped living. I started to just merely exist. I was numb all the way around, and I'd cry myself to sleep wondering how in the hell do I pull myself out of this? I started close to where we left off. I looked for all the wrong things to fill the empty spaces, and now that my winter numbness has worn off, I find myself in a deep hole. No doubt about it I helped dig it. I didn't resist when people pushed me into it. I wanted to feel something real, and I don't even know what is anymore. My friends have drifted away. The bad ones are there though, always quick to take my hand and tug me back into that world. Where certain things are my lovers, and for a moment of happiness, I am quick to trade forever. Looking back to my younger years, I was headstrong and independant. Strong willed. What happened to that girl? I burst into tears and run out. I am upset. I have killed her, and I barely even feel it. How did I miss this? I don't know where to go anymore. The road I walk is blurry, and the hands that held me once long ago have deserted me. And I have deserted them in my ignorance. I am waiting for time to heal me and made me whole again. What else is missing because time... has certainly left me here to face my fears.
Written on May 5th, 2010