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I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore

Time Can Heal Anything, So Why Isn't It Healing Me?

By: breathethestars
Written on May 5th, 2010

Going back to last summer, I met a guy, fell in love, and I was sucked into a whole different world. The world I used to be against. The one I never wanted to so much as breathe upon. Every day and every night I was out with him and his friends. They'd be selling weed and drinking... LIfe was one big party, and I felt so special to be included in it. He fed me lies. He manipulated me. He used me to the point of almost no return. I stuck around thinking maybe it will change. I handed out chances too many times, and every one he just let me down. When we parted ways, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I waited up by my phone for his call. I hated myself. I was disgusted that I'd let it go that far. I spiraled into a depression that the coldness of winter seemed to make worse. I stopped living. I started to just merely exist. I was numb all the way around, and I'd cry myself to sleep wondering how in the hell do I pull myself out of this? I started close to where we left off. I looked for all the wrong things to fill the empty spaces, and now that my winter numbness has worn off, I find myself in a deep hole. No doubt about it I helped dig it. I didn't resist when people pushed me into it. I wanted to feel something real, and I don't even know what is anymore. My friends have drifted away. The bad ones are there though, always quick to take my hand and tug me back into that world. Where certain things are my lovers, and for a moment of happiness, I am quick to trade forever. Looking back to my younger years, I was headstrong and independant. Strong willed. What happened to that girl? I burst into tears and run out. I am upset. I have killed her, and I barely even feel it. How did I miss this? I don't know where to go anymore. The road I walk is blurry, and the hands that held me once long ago have deserted me. And I have deserted them in my ignorance. I am waiting for time to heal me and made me whole again. What else is missing because time... has certainly left me here to face my fears.

By: breathethestars
Age: 18-21 , Female
1,323 people have read this story

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2 responses
  • waves23
    waves23

    I went through the same thing 6 yrs ago and prior to that I. Had a horrible childhood. Now first I must say as consuming as the way you felt was it was not love but it will take a real love one that is both giving and receiving for you to understand that. It took me 6 years, several mistakes, 2 beautiful children, and a lot of moving forward to realize it. There are still nights were I am haunted by the person I was the things I did and the things I allowed to happen to and around me. What helped? I left all the people from that world behind...it was hard sometimes I missed them dearly but I had to remember and believe that's not who I was. I read books I loved, music that did not bring me back to that place, excercised because it causes endorphins and does help. I cried when I needed to I moved forward everytime I thought I missed that person or time I reminded myself of how fake it all really was. I also prayed daily ...something called the serenity prayer but for you it could be lyrics or a quotei got rid of all and every keepsake burned and trashed them... a cleansing. I also stop using drugs alcoholdiet pills anything that was an artifficial high....becaue I make bad decisions......and most ppl do on them. Time only heals all wounds when you make changes and move forward......otherwise you are stuck in the static lost in the snow consumed by the white noise frozen in time. We are all strong beautiful people.....now live.

    Dec 7, 2012
    1 like
  • Lilyx13
    Lilyx13

    Even though I've never been in love but I can relate a lot to your question. Through my struggles I have learned that time does not heal alone. Time only provides us a "space" to pick up the pieces and mend little by little and even though time goes on the cracks will always be there. And no , I am not trying to be pessimistic or bring you down. The truth is that you have to take the step to better yourself and when you take that step you don't have to be alone. Find someone to share your pains and over come this with a positive attitude knowing that even though time may never fully heal, you have learned, you have grown and you are stronger because of it. I am proud of my emotional scars because they remind me not that I was weak but that I was strong to overcome them. Accept them and move on ( not the words you wanna hear) it's not easy , you'll need time but not impossible. Good luck , take care and remember there is always someone out there that shares your pain.

    May 21, 2010
    1 like