So Hollow Inside.Ever since last summer. . . I've only been able to feel empty inside. Before summer, I knew who I was and what I felt was important in life. Now I just don't know and I can't get myself to care no matter how much I try.
I'm a junior in an engineering program and I absolutelty hate it. I don't like anyone I take classes with, they all seem so pretentious. That's selfish of me though, I shouldn't judge people, but I do. I hate where I live and I hate what I'm becoming. I've been single for over two years just because I don't put forth any effort into looking for a girlfriend, mostly because I don't have enough time and when an oppurtunity does come along. . . I don't even try. I try to be interested. . . but in the end, I just don't even try.
I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and I don't see myself. I see my father. And every day I hate myself even more. I shaved my head, grew a beard, but still I don't see who I am deep down inside.
I'm not sure that I'm even there anymore. I think that part of me died.
I think about killing myself all the time. . . just because I can't stand this person that inhabits my body. But I keep telling myself that it will get better. . .but it only gets worse. Whenever I feel like I may have reached the lowest point, I sink lower, covered by la
I told myself today that I'm nothing but a coward. Ever since I started going to college, I've done exactly what my father has told me to do. . . to do the engineering program. I told him the whole way that I hated it and that I didn't want to do it. But he told me that he wouldn't pay for me to do anything else. . . why didn't I tell him to screw off and go live my own life? Was it my own pretentious behavior? Was it me looking at the people working in fast food, at wal-mart in my small dusty town that scared me into the desire for a good salary. Why didn't take the path that I felt I should have taken?
I used to tell myself that there was a destiny in this and a fate. . . but now that lie doesn't even convince myself. I feel no destiny and I feel no fate and I feel no God. I don't care about this world and I don't care about the people in it.
I have this picture of my grandfather. It's the only picture of any family member that I have. I look at it and I see a real man, someone who built himself out of nothing and rose to the top. The son of an irish immagrant, I see a man who had values, who had personality, who had purpose. And I look at myself and I don't see any of that.
I hate myself.