So Hollow Inside.

Ever since last summer. . . I've only been able to feel empty inside. Before summer, I knew who I was and what I felt was important in life. Now I just don't know and I can't get myself to care no matter how much I try.

I'm a junior in an engineering program and I absolutelty hate it. I don't like anyone I take classes with, they all seem so pretentious. That's selfish of me though, I shouldn't judge people, but I do. I hate where I live and I hate what I'm becoming. I've been single for over two years just because I don't put forth any effort into looking for a girlfriend, mostly because I don't have enough time and when an oppurtunity does come along. . . I don't even try. I try to be interested. . . but in the end, I just don't even try.

I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and I don't see myself. I see my father. And every day I hate myself even more. I shaved my head, grew a beard, but still I don't see who I am deep down inside.

I'm not sure that I'm even there anymore. I think that part of me died.

I think about killing myself all the time. . . just because I can't stand this person that inhabits my body. But I keep telling myself that it will get better. . .but it only gets worse. Whenever I feel like I may have reached the lowest point, I sink lower, covered by layers and layers of dirt and insecurity.

I told myself today that I'm nothing but a coward. Ever since I started going to college, I've done exactly what my father has told me to do. . . to do the engineering program. I told him the whole way that I hated it and that I didn't want to do it. But he told me that he wouldn't pay for me to do anything else. . . why didn't I tell him to screw off and go live my own life? Was it my own pretentious behavior? Was it me looking at the people working in fast food, at wal-mart in my small dusty town that scared me into the desire for a good salary. Why didn't take the path that I felt I should have taken?

I used to tell myself that there was a destiny in this and a fate. . . but now that lie doesn't even convince myself. I feel no destiny and I feel no fate and I feel no God. I don't care about this world and I don't care about the people in it.

I have this picture of my grandfather. It's the only picture of any family member that I have. I look at it and I see a real man, someone who built himself out of nothing and rose to the top. The son of an irish immagrant, I see a man who had values, who had personality, who had purpose. And I look at myself and I don't see any of that.

I hate myself.
pmaley87 pmaley87
3 Responses Apr 8, 2011

TreadingWater is absolutely right. Besides someone has said that the most righteous paths in our lives are the most toughest and filled with hurdles.<br />
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But hey, don't lose the people you care for in it.

I think that thinking of your grandfather for inspiration is a great idea. It sounds like you've lost yourself along the way somewhere, and that does tend to happen when you feel like someone else is in control of your life, and when you're at the age and time in your life when you really start finding out about who you are and what's important to you. I don't think, though, that you should give up. That's just going to make things worse. Your grandfather worked hard to get where he wanted to be, and that's what you have to do, also. Your father probably thinks that he is doing what's best for you, but sometimes parents try to correct mistakes that they have made in their own lives through their children. Killing yourself would be the most selfish and easiest thing to do, and that's not the answer! You'll find all of the things that you're looking for, but you have got to get up, dust yourself off, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and make something happen. What was the path that you felt like you should've taken but didn't? What would it take to start on that path now? The only thing that is holding you back is yourself, and the only person who can change your life is you. Please don't do anything ridiculous and selfish to harm yourself. You would hurt those who love you more than you could ever imagine.

Don't HATE yourself. Never hate yourself. <br />
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The answers to the questions that you seek are inside. Trust me.<br />
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You said you look up to your grandfather. He will inspire you. His LIFE will. Go ahead and make the life you dream of your reality. Your father may not understand it now, but when he will see you 10 years later he will see you were right all along.<br />
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