Splitting Me

You know how Bruce Wayne is Batman and Peter Parker is Spiderman? How they go out and be someone else and keep it all organized between the two egos? I sort of feel I have a split of two lives but not exactly as easy and organized as putting on a spandex outfit and go out crime fighting. No I'm pretty damn sure I don't have a real mental issue, not bi-polar, not split personality. I just waver between two very different mindsets, one is the more natural one I probably should be, the other one I don't think I could ever aspire to. Let's just say for simplicity sake there's "Andrew" he's just sort of a normal straight guy, a bit of an introvert and sometimes timid guy. He tends to keep to himself and works a lot on a few hobbies like drawing, writing, and guitar. On the other hand though there's "Amy", she's a bit of a clingy girl who gets lonely sort of quickly and tends to be more of a day dreamer. The problem is Used to play a secret life to appease both sides but after it got more desperate and harder I gave up on the latter, Amy. So now I live out the more normal way I should but now and then slowly revert back and have fever pitches of the Amy side. It's so confusing and makes me feel bad. I don't really want to go full-fledged into this other persona, I would lose most of what I have now, take a chunk out of my life transitioning, and most likely be alienated by friends and family. But as the normal Andrew I don't really go far and feel pretty down. I keep wantig to flirt with the other side and being the other person. But the few times I take my chances full into that it makes me depressed afterwards.
I feel I am trying to break out into two people at the same time. It's crazy! I really don't know who I am! Either side of this messed up coin isn't looking all too good.
UnfinishedEmily UnfinishedEmily
2 Responses May 21, 2012

please don't be deppresed about your other self,and know that there are thousands of us going through the same torment in ourselves as well. you are not alone! but in a way we are alone!

Well Amy I am in the same fix. My outer self is male and not a very exciting male at that. Just average and nondisc<x>ript. The Laura that lives inside of me is much more out going and loves to go shopping and dress in style and look pretty. It used to be I had to fight with myself to keep in one persona or the other. Now I have come to a sort of compromise. I'm married and my wife doesn't undertand my two parts. She only sees the male side of me and that is all she wants to see. That puts me into a dillema. I want to be Laura and can't be unless I allow my present life to distroy itself. I have come to a comproise that kind of gives Laura some time in the light. I wear as much fem clothes as I can to keep Laura alive, but I have to do it with male clothes on the outside. Now both parts of me are happy to a degree. When my wife is away from the house for a few hours Laura comes out to take center stage for a while. I love those times because that is when I feel the most real. If I had my way I would live as Laura all the time.