I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore
I am somewhat torn at the moment. I'm an introvert and i think a lot and seeing as though I'm in high school my life's is full of dilemma. I have been depressed for series of months or weeks in the past few years of my life and I think I have learned and realized a lot about who I am. I'm a confident person, a dancer, I love to thrift, antiquing, old Disney movies, I don't shop at name brand stores, dont eat fast food, and I don't let myself be treated poorly by men. I am quite down to earth and I would like think self aware. Some would call me a bit of a "hipster" but I don't really like that...
Anyways I am a feminist, Im not at all a girly girl but lately Im not so sure of what I'm really like. My freshman year I stopped wearing makeup, only wore sports bras, didn't want to be sexy, didn't try to impress guys. Ive also never had a boyfriend in high school and my only kiss was in middle school. And its not by choice, lets just say the boys aren't exactly lining up for me. I used to be very girly or what you consider to be a normal girl. Ive been anti-girl for four years now but I'm starting to question what I stand for.... I just feel like I am still not treated equal just for being a woman and i think thats what sparked my anti girly thing. I feel like men still disrespect us and think of themselves as stronger and dominant over us. Especially guys in high school who only see us for the physical and skin deep features that we present. I'm just not over the fact the fact that women were deprived of their born right as equals for such a HUGE portion of history. That my ancestors we treated of less importance just for being a women. That some men still don't treat us equal. It drives me insane thinking that such a rediculous and primitive way of thinking could still exist and I feel like I have to stand up for the women who did so much for me and fought for women's rights even though I was never able to meet them.
Anyways I feel like me giving into the pressure of trying to be sexy and presenting myself as a sex symbol is doing an injustice to woman kind itself. I feel guilty and selfish if I were to dress in high heels and a shirt that were to show my cleavage. The thought of it makes me kind of uncomfortable. But Im starting to think I don't understand what it really is to be a woman. I mean why should I feel awkward about showing off my breasts, theyre there aren't they! Embracing my natural figure isn't me trying to be sexy it's what I am right? And I have been hypocritical telling my friends that I don't agree with how they act and dress becaue I too want to feel sexy and desirable but I lied to myself and ignored those desires because I was too proud to think that I was just like all the girls who are "girly" Dressing more guyish isn't proving a damn thing to anyone. I mean we are different then men we are naturally sexy and being girly doesn't mean that I am treating myself less equally does it? Should I embrace the natural sexiness within?
I think that I want to be more sexy and be noticed by men and even if it is superficial that's the way I feel and I need to embrace that! I can't keep trying to make myself one way when I'm really another! People have mocked me by calling me a lesbian (as if it were something to make fun of) and it has made me insecure about my sexuality even though I know I am most certainly straight. And people have told me how awkward and unsexy I am and I have let myself beleive that I really truly am not. But in actuality I am in my own way! With my dancing and my ironic style of high wasted pants and vintage clothes.
So I would really love to hear anyone's perspective on my situation. I think I know the balance of my thrifty quirky style and how I can incorporate sexiness into it without compromising my beliefs. Not having to be an extremist anymore, filling the gap between being comfortable being sexy and still being myself. Im just scared to actually go out and do it. To have people see me change and me accepting that i have been somewhat wrong. But what is beign a woman to you? Do you think there is anything wrong with being girly? Advice you wish you would have known? Or some you have to give?
Anyways I am a feminist, Im not at all a girly girl but lately Im not so sure of what I'm really like. My freshman year I stopped wearing makeup, only wore sports bras, didn't want to be sexy, didn't try to impress guys. Ive also never had a boyfriend in high school and my only kiss was in middle school. And its not by choice, lets just say the boys aren't exactly lining up for me. I used to be very girly or what you consider to be a normal girl. Ive been anti-girl for four years now but I'm starting to question what I stand for.... I just feel like I am still not treated equal just for being a woman and i think thats what sparked my anti girly thing. I feel like men still disrespect us and think of themselves as stronger and dominant over us. Especially guys in high school who only see us for the physical and skin deep features that we present. I'm just not over the fact the fact that women were deprived of their born right as equals for such a HUGE portion of history. That my ancestors we treated of less importance just for being a women. That some men still don't treat us equal. It drives me insane thinking that such a rediculous and primitive way of thinking could still exist and I feel like I have to stand up for the women who did so much for me and fought for women's rights even though I was never able to meet them.
Anyways I feel like me giving into the pressure of trying to be sexy and presenting myself as a sex symbol is doing an injustice to woman kind itself. I feel guilty and selfish if I were to dress in high heels and a shirt that were to show my cleavage. The thought of it makes me kind of uncomfortable. But Im starting to think I don't understand what it really is to be a woman. I mean why should I feel awkward about showing off my breasts, theyre there aren't they! Embracing my natural figure isn't me trying to be sexy it's what I am right? And I have been hypocritical telling my friends that I don't agree with how they act and dress becaue I too want to feel sexy and desirable but I lied to myself and ignored those desires because I was too proud to think that I was just like all the girls who are "girly" Dressing more guyish isn't proving a damn thing to anyone. I mean we are different then men we are naturally sexy and being girly doesn't mean that I am treating myself less equally does it? Should I embrace the natural sexiness within?
I think that I want to be more sexy and be noticed by men and even if it is superficial that's the way I feel and I need to embrace that! I can't keep trying to make myself one way when I'm really another! People have mocked me by calling me a lesbian (as if it were something to make fun of) and it has made me insecure about my sexuality even though I know I am most certainly straight. And people have told me how awkward and unsexy I am and I have let myself beleive that I really truly am not. But in actuality I am in my own way! With my dancing and my ironic style of high wasted pants and vintage clothes.
So I would really love to hear anyone's perspective on my situation. I think I know the balance of my thrifty quirky style and how I can incorporate sexiness into it without compromising my beliefs. Not having to be an extremist anymore, filling the gap between being comfortable being sexy and still being myself. Im just scared to actually go out and do it. To have people see me change and me accepting that i have been somewhat wrong. But what is beign a woman to you? Do you think there is anything wrong with being girly? Advice you wish you would have known? Or some you have to give?
By:
Ezmarelda
Age:
18-21
,
Female
