I'M John

Hi, I'm John. I'm depressed and anxious every hour of every day. From the time I was 4 or 5 to when I was 14 I was constantly physically and mentally abused by my father. In highschool I was bullied, humiliated, and jumped on a regular basis until I dropped out and earned my G.E.D. I'm 19 now, but before I get to that, I'll discuss a few events from the past 2 or 3 years. When I left high school and started G.E.D classes, I started to become a complete recluse. After leaving school I lost contact with my friends, they stopped answering my calls and I realized I was completely alone. The rejection from my group of friends and past experiences with my father and other siblings lead me lose all remorse and faith in the rest of the world. I enjoyed staying home and listening/writing music. My trust in the world was gone and I was convinced I was alone. Living with memories of my childhood and past paired with the two years of solitude has changed me. Mentally, things don't feel like they did before. I feel like an alien everywhere I am. After a year and a half of no contact with anyone apart from my mother and the random people I would see at the occasional trip to the store, my old friend from elementary school reached out to me. He invited me over and I met his friends. Long story short, slowly I reached out to him more and hung around with his friends. This inspired me to start going to local shows (bands) in basements and garages again, which lead to me starting a band, which is where I am now. This all happened very fast and I have trouble remember a lot of my past. Entire chapters of my life have been erased in my head. I don't know who I am anymore, and I feel like I was never anyone to begin with. I walk around with an emptiness in my chest that haunts everything I do. I lie to myself and be someone that I'm not to my friends because I feel like they won't like who I actually am. I don't know who I actually am. I feel completely trapped in my own mind. If I don't have plans to do something or I can't occupy my time to my satisfaction I immediately have a panic attack and hyperventilate. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
Kernylol Kernylol
18-21, M
1 Response Feb 10, 2013

I'm so sorry that you had to go through so much torment and abuse as a child and now as an adult. I know your sorry all too well. But know that your feelings and thoughts are directly related to the abuse you've gone through. Also for being someone else is a survival tactic so that you will not get abused or abandoned again. It normal and people without abuse have this very same thing. It comes from not wanting to be rejected from " tribal" ( social) groups. That's why people in groups especially new people to the group adapt fast. Like saying the same cool words, dressing the same as the group, liking the same activities, etc. The raw truth is everyone wants to be loved and not rejected. So we invent ways to avoid rejection. I think it would be a great idea if yo could read a child education book about the different steps a child goes through by age and what happens to children who are not nurtured. PLEASE DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. You are worthy, beautiful, and have a big life to live. Have you ever watched that movie Parenthood with Keanu Reeves? I love the line in it, Keanu says... You gotta get a license to drive, hunt or fish but you don't have to get a license to have or raise a baby. There are very cruel people out there in the world, that should have there babies taken away because they don't deserve a precious child.
While you are finding you way, please write to me or friend me. I'm new to this commnity and not sure how to do that yet. Lastly, thank you for your story. I don't feel so alone anymore, or a freak.. Knowing someone has gone through the Sam thing and has the same identical feelings. If there is anything you want more info on I'd be glad to share what my research and therapy has taught me. Congratulations on you band, that's sooo awesome! Take care, hugs and I'll write soon.