I Don't Know Anymore..........

I had a pretty good grasp on who I was about 7 yrs ago. During these past 7 yrs, I gave up my dream, I moved to England for my husbands career, I picked up smoking, I drank and partied every weekend. I was the life of the party. Shoot, I was the party. I didn't even know who I was anymore because I made some pretty crappy decisions when I was drunk. I was pretty happy these past 7 yrs even though I walked away from my dreams. I improvised and found fulfillment in my being the hostess with the mostess and playing flip cup and beer pong. Just last year I decided it was time for a few changes. The first change was to quit smoking. From there I quit throwing parties, I quit drinking and I stopped enjoying life. Well at least what I seemed to have thought life was about anyway. I didn't laugh as much as I use to, I didn't enjoy going to the BBQ'S anymore and I just didn't feel the need to surround myself with friends. I surrounded myself with work. I knew who I was when I was in NY, working at Applebee's in Times Square, living in a town house with roomates, going to auditions. I didn't party and I didn't drink and I was totally ok with that. I looked in the mirror and I loved what I saw. I glowed, I shined ,I was me and that was great. I loved my boyfriend so much that I had to make a choice. A love like this just might only happen once in my life. So I made a choice and to this day I can't regret loving him as I do. I can't regret following him in his Air Force career. After 7 years, my love is still strong. I think I just loved him so much that I lost myself in him. We loved to party and have a great time. 7 years later I am stepping back and wondering, where did that girl go? Self evaluation can cost a fourtune. It could cost you your happiness if you realize that you don't like what you see. I have to find that girl again but it may very well cost me my marriage. I thought I could walk away from my dream but it haunts me and 7 years later I find myself once again at a crossroad. I don't think that even with a love as strong as the love I have for my husband, I can turn my head the other way. I thought I could deal with the deployments. I have dealt with them for a long time but now I am asking myself, can I give up a lifetime of dreams for only 6 mths a year with the man that I love? Once upon a time I thought I could. Now I just don't know anymore. I just don't know anything anymore.

Acting4u Acting4u
31-35
2 Responses Mar 14, 2009

sounds like a really difficult situation...<br />
im reading a book at the moment "eat, pray, love" by Elizabeth Gilbert<br />
its a true story and in the book she just realises one day shes not happy...<br />
she leaves her husband and home... and decides that she wants to learn italian..<br />
but because she does :) and so she goes off and decides just to do whatever she wants..<br />
it worked for her..on her journey of ..'whatever she wants' she found herslef..<br />
im not sayingyou should do what she did...but maybe take a leaf from her book (excuse the pun :P ) and do what you want.. maybe only small things but by doing this you may be able to find yourself..(perhaps by accident) in a new way and a new place. :) xx good luck xx

im sorry if it sounds wrong to say that ive enjoyed listening to your story. I want to say that you are in the point of life that everything you want to be can be. And who you are is the create of love. I always wanted to act but a big fear hit my heart. I know that I can help you discover you. And it would be a great practice for me. I send you great love <br />
EC