Who Am I?

My entire life, I have been whoever others wanted me to be.  This started with my mother, who was a very controlling individual with many emotioinal and mental problems.  She taught me from an early age to hate men, because she did, and that included my father and brothers.  Now, this is the strange part. She would tell me I was supposed to love my family, then when she would become angry or mental, she would "teach" me, through her words and actions, that they were all scum and not worthy of loving.  Mixed up?  Yes, very. 

My mother died 2 years ago and I have discovered many things about her and myself that are opening my eyes to the control that she had over my life.  I am now remarried to my 5th husband whom I love very much and am in a great relationship with him.  My brothers and I all have good relationships for which I am thankful. But, I know that the past years have left scars for all of us.

My father died 10 years ago, but we too, had become closer, against my mother's wishes, and I have no regrets now as I know I was the creation of someone else's dilusions. 

I am trying to unlearn what I was taught for so many years though and that was to be whoever someone else wanted me to be.  If my mother was in a bad mood, then I too developed a bad mood.  When she was happy, I was happy.

This pattern developed in every relationship I have ever had, thus making it difficult for me to know who I am.  Who do I want to be?  What do I like to do?  I have no idea.  I am lost when it comes to being me.  I don't know who I am anymore. I don't believe that I have ever known who I am and this makes me very sad and depressed.  I am afraid that my mental state will never let me clear all of the past cobwebs and memories. 

I am working very hard to discover myself.  Maybe one day, I will.

tosha tosha
41-45, F
1 Response Nov 12, 2007

I liken myself to you in a way, except I am male. My mother was controlling and was involved in Christianity so I was involved in it and she took things way too literally so basically everything was satanic. She married when she was 18 and I believe she resents my father for marrying her at a young age and she thought I would marry a girl so she tried to keep me from flirting from talking to etc with girls. Hence I think that's why I'm bi. But anyways, in all of this anger toward men, I feel the same way that I'm not sure want I want out of life because what I want... is what my mother wants and I'm fighting violently against it since hating males is hating myself. I wanted to let you know, you are not alone.