Mirrors And ReflectionsWas with the same person for 18 years, married for 13 of them, we strived to build a family, endured endless hardships and trials, finally adopted two wonderful girls and just over a month after what I thought had been *our* dream had come true, the family colapsed and we seperated.
This has left me to look back at my life and the person I was, to see the mistakes that I did and to slowly acknowledge and accept the good that I did. I was not perfect, far from it, but I was not the devil that somehow she has decided that I was. In between what she believes me to be and what those around me see, I am left to wonder... who am I?
From the very start I was a dedicated worker, giving my all to the tasks at hand, taking great pride in doing it all faster and better than people expected. Am I defined by my work?
I always knew that I needed to be loved, to feel the tenderness and caring of someone next to me because I could not bare to be alone, and because of that I took far more emotionally than I gave. Am I defined by my emotional needs?
I dremt of having a family with two girls, to see them smile, laugh and grow up to be young ladies with the universe open to them, but I was too busy with paying bills to fully dedicate myself to them. Am I defined by my priorities?
Who am I?
As a father I now dedicate all of my time and energy to my girls and cherish each and every moment I am given with them, time that is constantly challenged and stolen from me because of false allogations brought up against me by the person whom I once loved, cherished and married. I am not the father I once was.
As a worker I try my best to continue as I did but my heart is no longer there due to the hardships that this seperation has brought into my life. I am lucky enough that I have the support and encouragement of everyone around me, but still I am not the worker I once was.
As a man and husband I thought I was doing what was expected of me, to work and pay bills, to make sure that life was stable for my wife and children, but I spent too much time and effort working on paying these bills and getting rid of debts instead of enjoying life and the moments given to us. Now I do my best to survive alone, without the warmth and love of someone, and knowing that I am capable of giving far more love than I had ever thought possible. I am not the man that I once was.
Who am I?
I have changed and yet I still want to help others, to bring smiles onto their lips instead of my own, to have others be glad that I am there. I have learned that I am a lover, not a fighter, but life has forced me into this new role for the sake of my girls. My needs, my priorities are not my own, they are for my girls because I fear for them, fear for their future which I believe is being taken from them because of religious beliefs that are nothing more than brainwashing.
Who am I! A creation of the universe around me, a being formed of fire and emotions, a man in need of love and a father able to give more love than can be measured or even imagined.
Who am I! A piece of an endless puzzle trying to understand itself without sacirifcing his heart, his body or his soul.
Who am I? I am what others want me to be... wish me to be... need me to be, and my girls are the first to guide me to the person I am.
Falcran 41-45, M 3 Responses 2 Jan 21, 2012