Split

My childhood was a sociably controlled one. I had friends but I never mingled with strangers. In middle/high school I was a loner. Nobody noticed me so I remained quiet and unresponsive to the world. Now I am in college and am becoming more sociable. The problem is, I can't remember anything about me. Before, I used to think of ways to injure people that would irritate or hurt me and now I am laughing and having fun with them. I used to be in a world of darkness and now I am suddenly thrust into a world of light. I am lost, scared, and confused. I don't know what things I like or hate. I don't know if what I think is wrong or okay. I just don't know anything. 
I do not want to lose the darkness. It kept me going through my years and it is a part of me. But it doesn't fit with the light side of me. I want to live in a world of peace and happiness. So how do I balance a happy world with dark thoughts? I am trying to figure that out.
But what I do know, or have come to realize is that: my favorite color is green, I don't want to date but have a friend for life, my wedding song will be 'no other' from super junior, and that I am not a bad person.
Just because it is dark, does not make it evil. Just because I can look at you and see you falling apart under the pressure and rejoice does not make me evil. I like seeing people's reactions. I am amused at how humans act in certain situations. I enjoy seeing what will happen next. Yes, they are suffering and maybe i should have more sympathy. But if I gave more sympathy, I would only be a giver. Givers are nice but their lives get burned up too quickly. I am not a cruel  person in the respect that I do not go out and hurt people. You can call me mean, as I do not immediately aid those who are struggling. But I will not call myself mean. What do teachers and parents do? They let you make your mistakes then help guide you to clean them up. Why should I throw myself on top of a fire when you were just about to put it out with a fire extinguisher? If I had waited, nobody would have gotten hurt. It is not my place to intervene in foreign matters and it is not my problem if you have no credibility with me. If you have proven to not be a kind soul then why should I waste my skills on you? Am I really mean, or am I just sane? I don't know. Perhaps that is what I will figure out next.
sukaza4meshon sukaza4meshon
18-21, F
May 7, 2012