I Can't Think Of A Title For This.

Okay.

I used to have a profile on here 3 years ago when I was 16.
I met a woman who wanted to kill herself, at the time I had manic depression but I hadn't been diagnosed properly. She wanted to die, but rightly so realised it would be a waste to just kill herself, instead she wanted someone to kill her who could enjoy it.
We got talking and realised I could be a suitable candidate, I wanted to kill someone, I've wanted to for a long time, never really known why, unlike many people on EP I've had a safe, privileged childhood with parents that cared for me, and to my knowledge not too many traumatic experiences. Nevertheless I found myself angry inside and violent. It doesn't show too much on the outside and I remain relaxed and fairly emotionless on the outside.

Being a 16-year-old trying to organise killing someone who lives a few hundred miles away isn't particularly easy and long story short it never happened and we lost contact.
I enjoyed having someone who shared a darker side, who I could talk to freely about anything, we'd talk about perhaps cutting pieces of her away first and cooking them to eat together. Violent sex with bondage and blood. I was addicted to the idea of it.

Now I'm 19 years old today and I find myself confused, I have no reason to have these feelings, I spend every other moment of my day thinking about hurting people, I'm very very lonely and I can't communicate with anyone about this.

I enjoy music and drawing, I work as a chef and I'm doing a degree in Forensic Science, I have an IQ of 175 which I've put so much effort into improving, I live most of my day in my memory palace and all of my night lucid dreaming, sometimes I fantasise about killing enough people to be incarcerated and be able to live my entire life in my palace and dreams.

I struggle to understand human emotions, and although I share some of them, sometimes I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside, I'm dying to indulge, my self-control surprises me, I play with knives all day long and think about how easy it could be. I'm not on here looking for help, I like being the way I am, I enjoy it.
I'm here because I'm alone and want someone to talk to about all of this, in real life I'm not very friendly, I tend to avoid people and feel disgusted when I have to talk to people.

I have a passion for knowledge, music, sex and food. I've often thought about the taste of human flesh, I can't imagine I'd die without tasting it, the same as I can't imagine I'll die without taking someone with me.

I'm just looking for someone I can talk to about these things, I realise I'm rambling, and our conversations don't have to be intelligent. Just some company.

If you want to skype me it's p.hanlon1993 (it's not a real name. I really hope to hear from someone. I'll repost this story in appropriate groups until I feel it's worthwhile writing more)
hanlon93 hanlon93
18-21, M
Sep 6, 2012