I feel like I know who I am I just do not know who I have been the past few weeks. I think I was on a "bender" if you will; I get like this sometimes in August where I am a stone cold ***** and drink more then normal and of course there is the going on more dates then normal. I really want to change. I think people know around this time that this is normally how I get. I can be a real jackass. The first is always a hard time for me because I lost someone who I loved very much on the first and I tend to just make it a ****** up month before hand. I know, I know it makes no scenes in the least, I get it I don't need to hear it.

The issue is that I really hate the absence of people that I really enjoy talking to due to how I get around this time and I know even if I asked them if they recognize the change and can just obtain that it happens like this once a year and ask them to stick it out with me I don't think it would even be a fair inquire.

I tend to be a enigmatic person to those that I care about because I do not want them to be well I don't know scared off I suppose.

I wrote in my blog for the fist time gee maybe this month last night and I felt a lot better but I also felt a lot more clarity for myself (thats why its best to write a few glasses of wine in then the real self truth comes out). That is the good thing about me if I write it out I see things more clear, the murky mud becomes the crystal clear river that I have hoped to be on. I actually wrote last night about my binder the past few weeks about how I feel like a babbling brook in winter calm on the outside and a lot going on in the inside. Looking back I feel just like baloney that I have done some of the things that I have. One of my issues is I just have a hard time at apologizing to people that I have hurt and making it seem sincere. it is-- it is it's genuine and I just have a hard time covering that, so sometimes I tend to make things worse then I do better... that is always a issue I have an is not all that great of a quality to have.

I started my blog after a relationship gone bad and it was really just to get my emotions of my chest and just out and it seems to have worked. Although now it is a modpoge of everything from fashion, to what is going on in life, to dating to pets to now friendship.

I do not know if it was the calamity of some things that have occurred over the past few days or the feeling of retroversion never being abel to happen that is what has brought me to the "light" so to speak.

The light what is the light for me right now, the light for me is not losing friendships, not losing ability to decipher what is right from wrong. The ability and hope to be able to amend a situation that has fallen short or maybe situation"s" would be more appropriate and accurate as well.

I found EP by mistake but it has been the best and the most unfavorable thing that has happened to me. I think it gave me the online confidence to be all "**** yeah mother ******" when in real life I am shy...meek..apprehensive of people, unless it's sex...for some reason I ooze confidence I do not in the day to day ordinariness of life. If I could go back in time I would have done everything different well except one thing and that was something I enjoyed doing and I hope the person did as well even if that friendship (if I dare say that without fear of correction) came to a screeching halt; because of narcissistic despair and over-sharing both on my part.

If I could do the last two months all over again I would. There is no doubt about that. My brother and I always joke about binders we say you must follow the binder and where your binder takes you. Although before the birth of his precious, precious daughter his binder would have take him two blocks up to the bar and two crawling home on the weekends not a good look for someone of his stature in our community but like everyone else I think he has desires that may not be getting fulfilled or maybe that is just me trying to have that you know twin esp . For myself my binder took me on a wild sexfuild ride with the feeling of shame and regret every morning. It took me on a wild online ride of confidence and letting go of who I really I am and I wish I could go back and start all over again with hello my name is _______ and; I am well, who I am.

Work has been a roller coaster as well. My job title has shifted and although that means a better tittle better pay-- it also means a lot more time in the four walls of a person (okay so I over exaggerate). I miss being out in the field I miss being able to be around people I love my office mate but I also hate the interactions of one person all day. Although I should be happy with the relationship that her and I have we joke around a lot, laugh a lot, complains together a lot of other things.

So where, where is this all coming from??? Why such big transformation. This is why..this is why. A few weeks ago (for those who do not know I work hospice.) we knew that someones time was coming to an end, although this person was there happy go lucky self, health wise they were tumbling down hill fast. You can tell sometimes. That is what scares me about when it's time, some hospice nurses will tell you they can tell hours before it's almost as if the air shifts, the smells in the air change, it's almost like a heavy hearted hard to breath feeling. Well this was all going on in this home. I was there and was asked by the person if it hurts to go. I told this person, no, it doesn't it's like being born it's just the start of a new chapter of your life, letting go of the old, starting the new. Feeling young again, being able to do things you have always longed for the past few months and being free of pain without the aids of drugs.I told this person it is something you don't wish to come fast, but if it is approaching that it's not a bad thing... not a bad thing. Now in my head I was saying what the f are you babbling about?!? You are pumping bullshit a mile wide... do I believe this? Am I saying this because of the attachment I have to this family, am I saying this to make myself feel better? I am going to lose my job yup there it goes I am fired because I am saying everything wrong that I could say. Well the past three days I can say with confidence have not been my best so when my boss called me to come down to her office I thought yup this is just another great day isn't it. Every step felt like I was walking the green mile. When I walked in and saw the spouse there I knew I was really screwed now. My boss asked me to sit and said we needed to "talk" yup this is it my bender is brining me to be fired.... but no nothing of the sort! I sat and listened to stories of the spouse I worked for about there life the birth of children stories I had heard but for some reason felt different now. Why was I brought to this meeting, fait maybe seeing that I need to change my bender I am not sure but she told me and my boss how they have never had a better experience with a end of life support staff that she was so grateful and wanted my boss to know what was going on behind the scenes. Wow.... she was so grateful and I was the one who I think should have been because I needed this right now.

I may not know who I am, I may not have one clue one idea who I am but I know this... I do not want to be a bar ****, or someone just hooks up to feel better about things. Don't get me wrong I love sex! I mean I have a yearning and a deep desire for sex!... but why not take it slow, keep it to the guy I enjoy being with and if I have any incidental chance of being able to rectify what start of a friendship I had with someone else then I would be happy to stick to those and the sexual things that both bring to the table.

I want to go back to who I was even if I do not know 100% who that is I am willing to find out. My bender has been a good one (as in wow what a consequential way to start before the 1st) but it has NOT been all atrocious it has brought me closer to if not finding myself then finding who I wish to NOT be it has brought me to, a few great friendships that hopefully can be rectified, it has brought me one step closer to knowing I do not want kids but has also brought me a step closer to being ok around them, it has shown me Pompeii Bastile video and that was a big one too I feel in the video, he is running away from all his vises and I watch it not only because he is SMOKING HOT ugh when he is standing there fist clenched oh god ok see this is what I do to myself, but because I relate oh goodness do I relate, that is me and I do not want to run anymore I do not want the vises to help me threw no, not any longer. (must say I totally recommend the song and video should you have not heard or seen it, ladies he is in tight pants and leather jacket although I am a sucker for suits this is a look I could get use too!) ok back to the bender here....

There you have it walls down, showing another side of myself. The person is is fighting clawing to get out and I am tired of cloaking her, its ok to be vulnerable its ok to show weakness its a human trait and maybe my bender has taught me that. Although I am not looking to give up my wine, bubble baths with classical music and a good reacher book anytime soon *he is my want to be badass self* I can give up this tuff *****, ice queen act... that at the end of the day...it's not me.

I am sorry for anyone who has been hurt by my bender should given the chance I promise to be the best friend I can be... My life is going to be staying on the party of not hooking up with random men and am going to be working on my blog and reading my books and just learning to except myself and my past and just live.... just live.

Sorry for the long post if anyone suffered threw it to this point! PLEASE if you are going to comment be nice; some people on here can be really cruel but I know you open yourself up to that when you let guards down.

Have a wonderful day everyone Wednesday can be the worst day of the week :)
Chicgeekgal Chicgeekgal
26-30, F
Aug 20, 2014