Two months ago yesterday, my boyfriend of 11.5 months broke up with me. I was not expecting it, despite the fighting. I always felt that the good parts were with so much more than the bad parts. He suffers from depression, and never let me know how much the bad parts were weighing on him.

Throughout out relationship, we had fallen in love, moved in together, and were building a life together. We moved separately when the bank took the house we were renting, each to be closer to our jobs. The last month consisted of a lot of bickering. His depression was weighing on me mostly because it inhibited discussion. I would want to gently bring up a topic regarding US that I wanted to discuss and subsequently improve, but he would always take it personally, blame himself, and shut down. You could see the light leave his eyes, he would fall silent, and he would look at the floor, shoulders slouched, mouth shut. Toward the end, this began to infuriate me, because no matter how patient I had been throughout the rest of our relationship, I still had no idea how to help him work through his depression.

So, I yelled a couple times. For him, yelling triggers painful childhood memories, and so I tried so hard not to. And I was never yelling at him - just at his depression, which I always felt did not define him. But he felt it was at him. For me, silence is unbearable. Silence for me is what yelling is to him. And so I would yell in my panic.

When he broke it off, I was shattered. This person that I had not gone a day without speaking to for 11.5 months no longer wanted to text me good morning. This person that would send me "lovins" on fb messenger each day at lunch left me to eat in silence. This person who had been my caretaker when I broke my arm would never again have my back. I felt abandoned.

The break up itself pained me a lot too. We had an in-depth discussion about a bunch if issues that had cropped up - something I had been promoting throughout our relationship! He started giving me all of these puzzle pieces that make up all that is him, finally wiping away the fog. I cannot solve problems I do not know exist, and finally he was giving me something to fix! I could now identify exactly what needed to change, and a whole slew of solutions came rumbling to the surface. But at the end of the talk, I told him I didn't want to break up, and yet he did.

I was willing to try so much harder, and that is what pains me the most. This person I had come to trust as my rock did not want to fight for me the way I wanted to fight for him. I did not mean what he meant to me. How long was I deluded? Had it always been this way? Why did he not want to fix these problems - how can he be okay without reaching closure? Why do I still miss him so even when so much time has passed? When I was ready to stop mourning the death of what we had built together only days after the breakup?

Why does my heart keep beating in my chest when I can't see the things I used to love as anything but gray? When will the passing of time be linear again, and easy for me to place once more? And when will the dreams of us being happy, and of you leaving me, and of you choosing to love someone new, stop?

David, I miss you.
Qooirk Qooirk
26-30, F
Aug 23, 2014