Its Safer Alone Now

Hi All
I am unable to allow anyone to get close to me these days. I have some good friends and come from a great family. I had always been a bit quite but gradually I started to relax around women and had some great relationships and a good healthy sex life, but I think I was always a bit insecure and would fall in love after a couple of dates.

In the end I did meet someone when I was 27 and married her. It was not a good marrage and my wife had many problems, she hated my parents even though they constantly helped her out I worked as many hours as I could to support her but it was never enough and I always had to sell stuff to keep us afloat she had a child already which I adopted as my own and supported him the best way I could. Then she fell pregnant with my Daughter Laura who was born disabled and a few years later with my son Chris. By now I had managed to get the best job I could and worked for the Prison Service. I thought at last I would be able to support my family and my wife would be happy. We bought a little house in Littlehampton and a Car and I thought at last we was going to be OK.

But alas it was not to be my wife seemed to resent my Job and keeped saying she was going to get a much better job then me. The money kept running out as well just as it had done in smaller job or unemployed it just never made any changes. I was going from bad to worse she had stopped being affectionate and we had stopped making love for two years which drove my nuts, I loved her and the kids dearly and i needed her. She would keep phoning the Prison and asking where I was and demanding they sent me home for some reason or another. In the end the Prison SSO called her in for a meeting to try and sort this out.

Eventualy though I had to make a choice My Job or My Family. There was really only one option and I choose my family of course and lost the one thing that could have supported us my Prison Service Career.

I got a job in Engineering which I had done years ago, The money was good to. But it was night shifts. Because I had to get home and take the children to school and collect them again I would have no sleep during the day so would go to work tierd. My wife would often not get up till after midday including Christmas Day which would upset the children they was so young and like any other child at Christmas be excited and look forward to a magical day. They never really came.

I know I should have been much stronger but there was really nothing I could have done or said to change anything.

My wife who had never worked said she would like to do an Open University course and get a career I thought though expensive might do her good to meet some other people and get into a working enviroment, so I paid for the course and she did study. But I was going off the rails myself and was doing everything I could to increase the money coming in and provide for the kids. Even shop lifting now, I had never broken the law but now I was a common thief stealing from stores all over town and maybe hoping to get caught. I had not spoken to my Parents in 3 years because it would upset my wife. This almost killed my mother and my grandmother died without seeing her great grand children, something I will always regret.

So my wife was now on a OU course and meeting new friends, I thought this must be good. But she also met a Man and had an affair. I had lost my jop as an Engineer due to falling asleep at work and now worked for a plastic manufacturer money was not too bad.

On returning home one day my wife told me she wanted some space and I should go and live with my parents for awhile. She was having an affair which I was not certain off at this time. But I agreed to go, to be honest I need a break, I left with two black sacks of stuff which was all that was left of my belongings and all I owned.

I would phone my wife everyday to check she was OK and the kids where alright. Soon it became clear that she never wanted me back and threatened if I did return she would ask her bloke back and have sex with him in front of me.

So I settled down at the family home of my Parents they of course where happy I was home and supported me. Though I really was a mess. Finally I got a bedsit then a flat then a job in a college. Ties had broken down completely it was impossable to talk to my ex and the weeks turned into years, though I did make regular payments to the CSA and bought out the house as they had moved.

I always felt as though it was all my fault and very guilty, I worried about the children and what they thought and how they was keeping. Somehow the weeks turned into years. I did meet a number of females and had some really nice times and they taught me what it was really like to be with someone interesting, sharing and caring. That opened my eyes a lot.

Then one day I heard from my Ex via Facebook saying my Daughter wanted to meet up. I was so excited. My father had recently passed away and my Mom was very worried that things would go wrong and I would get hurt again. But I wanted to give them a chance ands try to repay the missing years. I still felt it had been my fault.

I met my son and daughter in a huge house which they said was theirs, It was Febuary the house was freezing and there was little food. I took them out to dinner and we sat and talked my children had grown up My son was 19 and my Daughter was 21. we get on well. But where was my Ex Wife? I soon learnt she was living in Bulgaria where she had moved with a bloke who must have been Bulgarian but was said to have commited suicide shortly after arriving leaving lots of debt in the UK and my son was having to deal with Baliffs knocking on the door.. My wife was once again out of money, she had been claiming Council Tax, Housing Benefit and Carers Allowence she should have been using to support the children but instead was using to support herself. However she had been found to be claiming frauduantly and was summond to court, of course she was In Bulgaria so did not attend. And had been told that once she returns to England she will be arrested. She was still claiming Child Benefit though and getting away with that so went after me for CSA again and claimed back money for the time I had been unemployed totalling around £8000. Which I had to pay disbite her not being with the children at the time. Nothing I could do would convince the Child Benefit and CSA of this Fraud. I got myself in debt and almost lost my flat because I was now giving money to support my children and paying out 100s of pounds a month to the CSA. The children wanted me to lie to the council and say their mother was living with them. Which I had to refuse to do. I had been down this road before when I was married. This resulted in a Phone Call from my Ex calling me all the names under the sun. I am afraid I told her what I thought her and instead of Hiding in Bulgaria she should come home and face the music and look after the children I even said I would do what ever I could to help her.
However this just made things worse and she turned to kid away from me which sent me spiraling into deep depression.

I soon also found out she had another child by another man. Which was very odd because when we was married she told me she miscarried and had to have her womb removed. She also had remarried but that guy had hit her, and then she met the guy who killed himself.

This is a bit rushed and I have really just skimmed over points. But I find now I cannot let people too close to me. I work at a Uni with 1000s of Students and I love them, maybe I treat them as Sons and Daughters a bit. I do from time to time meet females. And sometime we arrange to meet but I always make an excuse and say I cannot go. Its better to be alone I feel these days.
spr5858 spr5858
51-55, M
Dec 14, 2012