Christmas Eve 2008

Christmas Eve 2008

As I sit here alone, I cross another day off the calender. Christmas might be special for some. It has lost its meaning for me.

Last year, Angie, my now former wife,  was with me and it was the most special Christmas of my life. This year, there is nothing.

A date on a calender, to be crossed off and survived.

'Ah, but there's the Christian aspect' say some. Not for me. If there were a God, he would not have allowed what has happened to me, nor a lot of the other things that have gone on in this horrible world. I lost all faith in such things when Angie left me. I think of them as a myth to give hope to those without it.

I read that buses in London now bear the slogan 'There is probably no God, get over it and enjoy life.' I agree to some extent but what on earth is there in life to enjoy ?

I just look forward to the next day, ready to cross it off and to regard it as another day less to live.

I saw on the news that the economic crisis is causing record numbers of suicides. I can understand that. The world is a dismal place, a place to be survived. We live despite it, not because of it.

Death holds no fear for me. I just don't have the courage to commit suicide and I have no access to a gun which seems the most expedient way of drawing matters to a close. And so I carry on, marking off the days and marking time, just waiting.

MichaelJohn MichaelJohn
51-55, M
Dec 24, 2008