How It Started, Why It Continued

It started about three years ago, for me. I had an eating disorder. "I don't eat in front of people" was a perfect excuse for why I wasn't eating, period. And as I began to adopt disgusting disordered habits (like chewing up food and then spitting it out), the dining process became especially shameful. Then gradually, even as I began to recover, it became a fear, something terrifying. Now, my eating habits are better than they used to be (I'm nearly fully recovered, yay), but there's something about eating in front of people.

They're watching me--that's not paranoia, it's simply that people look at each other. They see what I put in my mouth--that's personal, private, mine. None of their business. What if, for example, something falls off my fork? I barely notice when it happens to other people, but for me, it's terribly mortifying and I feel like I'm being judged for it. What if I get a fleck of something on my face? Again, I barely notice for other people... but surely I'll be viewed as a pig, a slob, disgusting. I am disgusting.

Also, here's some food for thought (pun intended). We obviously don't watch it going out--that's something private, obviously not to be shared. Why would we want to watch it going in?

The world needs to come up with some more social activities that don't involve basic functions necessary for staying alive.
SpazzAvalanche SpazzAvalanche
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 6, 2010

Nononame--Yes, I really do feel that way. It keeps you alive, and that's all. It's ewwy.<br />
My (now-ex) boyfriend helped me a lot with the recovery process, but ultimately it comes down to you. You have to learn how to say, "Dammit, I'm hot and I'm going to eat, and it won't kill me to have a healthy BMI." Say it even before you believe it... and at some point, you will.

Nononame--Yes, I really do feel that way. It keeps you alive, and that's all. It's ewwy.<br />
My (now-ex) boyfriend helped me a lot with the recovery process, but ultimately it comes down to you. You have to learn how to say, "Dammit, I'm hot and I'm going to eat, and it won't kill me to have a healthy BMI." Say it even before you believe it... and at some point, you will.

wow u speak my thoughts. i dont think i ever in my life have felt confortable eating in front of anybody. it gives me extreme anxioty, food is freaking discusting, as well as the person eating it. is that how u feel or felt? you said you were almost recovered may i ask how?