He Says I Abandoned Him When He Was At His Lowest .....

I met a man who moved with me, assuring me that his job would bring in good income and we would be fine with him living in my house (I had heard stories of men freeloading off women and didnt want to become another statistic). He moved into my house with his grocery bag of belongings basically. Within a couple months his construction job slowed and he was at home often but 'calling places' to find when and where more work would be starting. Meanwhile, I would come home to a dirty house and he would get angry if I asked him to pick up his clothes and use a hamper or wash dishes. He would get angry that I wouldnt give him money for a six pack when I was about to have our baby a year later and he had not been working for 3 weeks. After a year of being in love with this man and hoping he would find a stable job for all of us, I had to ask him to leave. Of course, he put me on a guilt trip of how I was 'money hungry' and 'abandoning him because he was down on his luck and not making much money. All I ever wanted (and this I told him tons of times over that year he lived with me) was that he get a stable 40 hour week job-even if it only paid $10 hour. He insisted that his pride would not let him work for that when he could work for almost twice that doing construction. But if construction had you working one or two days per week or less some months how is that a good thing? Anyway, we kept in touch dating occassionally for another year or two (what can I say? :He would call me begging and crying to come back home but I stood my ground even though he was charming and I still loved him. Deep down hoped he would change for the better and I could let him return. What happened? He lived off and on in hotels, and eventually found a woman to move in with who also had her own home. He says he will marry her soon and for now he is even working a warehouse job regularly. He says that she would NEVER put him out of her home and that whatever job he chose to do was fine with her. He said he has changed. I wonder has he or is this just temporary? Can someone please tell me why I feel so depressed over all this? We were so perfect together besides the issue with his job and he had proposed to me one year after we met but I told him we should hold off a bit.
paredvm paredvm
2 Responses Apr 15, 2011

I notice that even though you say that everything was so perfect, you also mention your resentment when he was not pulling his full weight in the home. You are feeling bad because suddenly he has this new woman in whose home he is now living and he has said that he has changed. My thought on this is that although it is painful for you, I am wondering how much support he actually gave you during your time together. If he loved you so much, why has he moved in with another woman into HER home and why is he not providing a home that he is supplying. I am also of the mind that you have made a fortunate escape and that perhaps there might be a little work for you to do on valuing yourself more so that you can learn that you are valuable and deserve a man who will actually support and truly love you. Men like this continue in the same vein. Do not be surprised if you learn in the future that this woman too has let him down and he has moved on to woman No. 3, then 4, then 5. If he is a grown man and has learned to use women instead of being an adult man who is a provider and protector for his family, a pattern is in place. Just be thankful that it finished before you had spent ten or more years with this gigolo.

I'm sorry you didn't get any comments sooner. I am kicking a similar bum to the curb this week and would bet you my next two hard-earned paychecks that he'll have another woman to live with before two more paydays. They use their charm against us. They can be a lot of fun, but it's expensive, isn't it? I would just love for a man, or anyone, to treat me to a good time, a nice weekend they saved and planned for, but I know that any good times I have will have to start with me. He took two, not one, but two vacations last year. He gets a Social Security check and pays half the rent, and that's it, works on his friends yard once a week, but no job for six years. Yes, he's retirement age, but then so am I and I just keep working to pay our bills! Just move on and don't look back, except for sharing your child, very complicated. It's easier when you can have zero contact. Well I'm 65 and I'm ready to go it alone, as scary as that is. No one to go to dinner with, no one to talk to when I get home, no romance, he's pretty good in that department...one more reason why I know he'll have another woman to mooch off in no time. He'll beg too, and this time I won't let him back in. I hope you're doing well, either way with or without him, but hope that you are back in control of your life and being treated with respect. Best Wishes, Sister.