We Are Supposed To Love, But I Just Can't.

I am 21 years old. Since I was eight I can remember not loving my mom. My biggest fear is that I will be similar to her when I grow up, and this is why I don't want kids. Since I have been home for my three weeks of holiday break, I have emotionally broken down four times- uncontrollable sobbing for hours, and self shame that I feel for letting her into my life again. The typical model for 'emotional abuse' is calling someone 'stupid' or 'an idiot', but the emotional abuse that I experience from my mother is not as clear as these examples. If I am busy thinking about something and she starts talking to me I will respond with "not right now" with no attitude, and she will respond by firmly walking away and ranting to my father in the next room or floor and deliberately yell the phrases "she's not allowed here anymore", "how did she end up like this", "I can't stand her", "snarky attitude" so that I can hear them. The immaturity and spitefulness of these comments hits me like thirty pound stones landing on my abdomen.  Hearing these comments break me down. They just tear me apart on the inside, and in a way I feel incredibly belittled, disrespected, and vulnerable.

I'm sure as all of you can imagine, it's hard to feel the way we feel when the classic "mother-daughter" models we grow up with are where a mother and a daughter have an undying love for each other, personally I just can't love her. I can barely like her, yet I have enough respect that I can not hate her. It just makes it incredibly hard for my friends or other people to understand where I am coming from. Even though my friends can't understand, they have always supported me, and have always been there if I needed a shoulder to cry on. Because of this, I treat my friends like kings and queens. I will fight for them, and protect them, and wish the best for them. I just feel wronged for not wanting to feel this way about my mother. But I have come to understand that this just happens to be my situation, and that sometimes, even though as much as we want to be a piece in that classic mother-daughter portrayal, we just do not belong.
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3 Responses Jan 6, 2013

I fear having children too because I DON'T want to be like her. I keep telling myself I don't have to be like her. I hate that we can't get along. She yells that I don't respect her and always throws my dad in the middle too. The thing is I'm an adult and expect her to respect me too. Just because she's my mother doesn't mean she can control my life. She'll calls me up just to tell me what I should be doing in my life. I love her and my dad, but they are just brining me down and I'm going to try my hardest to cut them out.

I know how you feel ever since i was twelve my mom has done the exact same thing its allright my friends and i feel the same way about my mom and tehirs because they act like my mom. Just be strong i know exactly how you feel i cry all the time its gonna be better i promise stay strong you are better than to think that you are a bad person i know you are someone to be admired

sometimes the people in our lives are there to challenge...it can be heart rending...however in between the lines of your words...I hear your strength...and it is so very normal to mourn sometimes what could have been ( or actually should have been)...someone once said to me that I was a survivor...okay... and then they said now I must learn how to live...Best of the
Best to you in your journey!!!!!