Up One Day, Down The Next

My sister's emotions are like a yoyo. Up then down, happy then sad. Its very hard to keep up with her and which one its gonna be.
When we were younger we got along in the same way most siblings do. As the two girls we were expected to play together and my brother always got to bring a friend.
In my first year of highschool, I was instructed not to go looking for her and to embarrass her. It meant I was too scared to even go and ask her for lunch money when I forgot. That was the beginning of a small chasm that became much bigger over the years.
Now I am almost 30 and feel I need to hold her at an arms length. I am too scared to let her into my life for fear that she will leave another scar. My mother urges me to think of her more, and to call her and to show her more love, but just thinking about it wears me down into an emotional slump.
We are total opposites. What she thinks is important and is news, are things I frown upon or find immature. So listening to her latest news makes me cringe and I find I am listening simply to be polite and inside I'm really trying to block it out. I can't respond in the way I would if I was having a conversation with a friend, as she takes it to heart, we fight and hang up angry at each other.
It is impossible to be in the same room for any length of time without our attitudes getting snippy, talking to each other in curt ways, or outright fighting.
Its hurts my mother to see it, but she understands, as she also finds her frustrating at times.
I am sure she has some sort of personality disorder, that keeps her self-centred and incapable of empathy.
The main thing that tears my heart, is that I have some good memories of time together when we were kids, and also that my mother would like us to get along.
I've tried, but she sucks the life out of me. Especially that time where I reached out to her, only to find out she slept with my best friend and chose drugs and fun times over helping me when my wallet got stolen. I find distance is the only thing I can do to keep from taking all her problems onto my own shoulders. Thing is all her woes are brought on to her by her own actions, she just cant see it. Then my mother and I are expected to patch it all up and make her feel better. Sometimes its like talking to a brick wall, her thoughts go in circles. Just as you think you have got through and talked her around to a solution, she jumps back to the beginning. Its so taxing.
I would like to find peace with her someday, but I'm not sure that I ever will. It seems we are too different and just too impatient with each other.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 24, 2013